When I came into this world, I was dropped right into the cradle of Communism. Under the influence of family, school, and society, I determined very early on that I would become a Communist member when I grew up. Because I was born into a family with both parents in the military, my ambition was realized without a hitch at age twenty. Later, I even "gloriously" became a member of the People's Congress.

During the Cultural Revolution, when the Lin Biao incident occurred, even my father who had put his faith in the Communist Party for forty years started to question the party. I stood firm. Later, the fall of the Gang of Four woke a lot of people up to cruel reality. I still held onto a thread of hope. Not until the sounds of bullets ringing out on June 4, did I wake up from my hope and idealism. The place at the bottom of my heart where my trust in Communism was became vacant and blank. Thereafter, I believed in nothing, nothing, including the supernatural. I only believed in my own struggle to compete.

In 1992, I and eighteen other teachers were fortunate enough to travel to America to participate in a training program. We began our training in the North Hill University. In the first week after our arrival, we were invited to go to a dinner meeting at a Chinese Christian church. We were all given a Bible and the book Streams in the Desert at the meeting. That was the first time I had been in a church. I was captivated by the atmosphere of peace and harmony of the place. I also liked the beautiful music sung by the choir. I liked even better the sincere caring expressed among people there. They did not seem concerned about protecting themselves from making blunders that would bring trouble when talking to each other. However, I became disappointed after a few more visits. All I heard was just empty talk about God. I did not think God existed. I felt it was meaningless and a sheer waste of time to dwell on an assumption that was false. These people were really nice, but so foolish! Mrs. Lee was the church contact with us. She was tender and kind. It was wonderful to make friends with her. But I refused her invitation to go back to the church. Yet she continued to call and never stopped her concern for our welfare. I often felt guilty for refusing her, but I really couldn't force myself to listen to the things that I thought untrue.

Then, Chinese New Year was approaching, Mrs. Lee invited some friends and me to have New Year's Eve dinner at her house. The dinner was elaborate and delicious. As we were leaving, she stuck into my purse a bunch of assorted candies. Under the light, I watched her face and movement, I was struck by her loving kindness! I was reminded of my childhood when my mother used to put goodies into my bag. She barely knew us, yet she was full of love for us, knowing full well that we could never repay her, I was deeply moved! Before I left, she wanted to share the "Four Spiritual Laws" with me. I really could not refuse her. But I really could not listen either. She asked me: "Are you willing to accept Lord Jesus to be your personal savior?" I was totally embarrassed and did not know how to respond. I did not believe Jesus was my savior, yet I could not bring myself to say no to her expecting eyes. So I said: "I accept" in violation of how I really felt. She was so very happy! Then she asked me how I was feeling. In order not to disappoint her, I said I felt good.

After that, there was no change in my thinking. I thought all the preaching was to teach man to be good and that Christians were sincere in their love for others. If everyone in the whole world all had this faith, perhaps all kinds of crime and weird behaviors would lose their grip and disappear. As for me, I still could not swallow the Bible. I thought the Bible was full of stories of mythology. Faith was still a blank in my heart. I would rather believe in myself. I did not want to fall into another trap.

My training program finished in March. I transferred to C S Fullerton and lived with a young American couple. They were Christians. I went with them to an American church for worship service. I dug out my Bible and started to read. I wonder why. Maybe I was too lonely. Anyway, this time I was able to read on and the more I read the more I liked to read. I read the Bible everyday. I told Mrs. Lee about it. She was very happy and taught me how to study the Bible.

One day, I suddenly woke up at about 5 a.m. and a sense of indescribable burden came upon me. I thought of my uncertain future---not much future going back to China; America is no heaven either. Where should I go in life's long journey? The more I thought the more I felt hopeless......... I tried to pray to God for the first time. I asked him to let me go back to sleep. Shortly after, I went to sleep. When I woke up, it was evening already. And, my heart was full of joy-- a joy without source! I then remembered I had a dream during the two hours I was back asleep. In the dream, I saw my life as a movie, all my successes from childhood to adulthood, including getting into university, graduate school, my marriage and having children, even when I won an award for my composition in elementary school. All these scenes had caused me to say to myself in the dream: "Zhao Li, it is not due to your ability that you possessed these, it is because God loves you." I was stunned at this thought from myself. But, I did not dispute or rebel. I accepted it! Yes, there were many people in my circle that were more capable, more intelligent than I. But, they did not have the opportunities that I had. So, with gratitude, I wrote down in my diary what happened that morning.

On the third morning after that dream, I woke up and seemed to have heard these words: "God does not want you to go back to China just yet, He will let you go back to preach the Gospel when it is free to preach there." How could this be possible? I was probably hallucinating! I had not really believed in the Lord Jesus yet! Later when I was taking a shower, I heard the words again, especially "He will let you preach". Those words were so clear in my ears, as if someone really was talking to me. Suddenly, I felt very scared. So I called Mrs. Lee right away. She excitedly told me that God has chosen me and I should obey. And told me to talk to the pastor. There was also a Mrs. He who was very concerned about us. So I called her also to pour out what was happening to me. She asked me to meet with her to talk the following afternoon. However, she lost her purse the next day and was very anxious. She asked me to pray for her. After she had reported the loss, the purse was found. Afterwards, she told me she wasn't concerned about finding the purse any longer after reporting her loss, and the purse was found was because I prayed, and God wanted to show me that He is the true living God who answers prayers. This incident led me to believe that God can do the things humans cannot do. Thereafter, there were other happenings that were also of a supernatural nature. It further convinced me of God's love and power. The door to my heart became wide open and I began to trust and worship this awesome God.

Ever since I have accepted Jesus as my savior, my thinking and concepts have gone through a fundamental change. My whole life changed--- a life reborn.

The changes were: First, I felt very relaxed and happy. Everything made me happy! All the beauty in nature was made by God, and I have a share in it. Before, when I noticed the blue sky, the floating clouds, the trees and flowers, the mountains, the rivers in this foreign country, I did not feel I had any part in it. It always brought on a tinge of sadness. Now, I felt a strong sense of peace at the sight of the beauty around me. I had never felt that way before. Secondly, before, I thought highly of myself. I was confident of my ability and my design for my own future. I even timed when I would become an associate professor. Yet, at the same time, I was full of anxiety. My thoughts were constantly swimming between fame and fortune. Now, I am not even concerned about what is happening the day after tomorrow. With God living in my heart, I feel secure, peaceful, steady and do not worry about the future anymore. Fame, fortune and position are not important any longer. Everything will be fine in God's care. Thirdly, I felt a sense of freedom in dealing with others. My relationship with others had a fundamental transformation. I used to not let anyone go if he/she offended me in the slightest. I had to reason with him/her. Now, when I felt I was wronged or misunderstood, I know how to put myself in other's shoes, and became more tolerant and understanding. This has improved my relationship with others. All these changes are indeed God's grace. He has given me a new heart. He has shown me the meaning and value of life.

As I began to understand man's original sin, sinful nature and sinful behavior, then I realized to change human behavior cannot be dependent upon politics, laws, rules and regulations, especially not on police, prisons, and the death penalty. The only redemption of sin is through the blood of Jesus. I deeply believe Jesus Christ is the hope for China, and the whole world.

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