Oh human beings! How easily and inadvertently they reveal their ugliness and beauty, which don't seem to belong to them but they do nonetheless.

Recently I have been pondering between the two, from whatever happens around me to news that travels from far away, from what was shown on TV last night to real old stories.

For me the real old story is no other than the few yellowish pictures of the June 4^th Movement. I have saved them from one of the magazines. One of these pictures shows a few familiar and unforgettable faces that seem to be telling a kind of true need for human nature¡Xa kind of unadorned anxiety for the true self and liberty. What words are available for me to use to describe such sentimentality? I feel a kind of beauty overflowing, the beauty of human nature. I am not talking about the pictures, nor the Movement itself. I am talking about the signals that I gather from those faces, the signals that come from the core of life.

Another picture shows a bunch of people trying to erect a statue of liberty. I once imagined that ever since the first day they started making the statue they had been trying very hard to pass along a dream interwoven in their heart. When human beings are involved in ideological activities, they usually try to find a real entity and expect it to help express their inner abstraction. The inescapable tragedy, however, is that at the time the real entity starts to take its form, the abstract ideology has digressed from its original intent. When they are ready to proclaim the destruction of an idol, they unconsciously raise another idol. When they finally figure out a new direction for themselves, they unconsciously end up in the path they want to abandon in the first place. Are they really willing to be stuck that way? We have to admit we are falling into an ugly battle. I am not talking about the ideology, nor the statue itself. I am still talking about the signals from the core of life.

Last summer I met an old Chinese visitor, who was talking about why she didn't want to become a Christian, and she said: "In the old days, I got too many idols in my mind. Today, I don't want anything. I only want to be my own master, and I don't want another master to come and control me¡K" I was touched. What I heard was like a heavy sigh of life. From my standpoint, one who has tasted Jesus, I certainly could say a lot to her, such as Jesus is not just another leader, to accept Jesus is not to accept another control, and to believe is not to lose freedom. But I chose to listen. It was not that I wanted to listen to what she had to say, but I wanted to hear the echo of her heart, or the sigh that came from a wounded yet hopeful heart. Indeed, searching for truth has become wandering; yearning for liberty has become aimless; endeavoring has become struggling. The lady still wanted to examine herself because she wanted to find her true peace she had lost, even for a tiny bit. I call this beauty. Oh the everlasting Lord! What she was looking for was you, and aren't you also knocking at her door? Please knock a bit harder!

The Gospel of John Chapter 8 records this story: A woman who had committed adultery was brought to Jesus by a few teachers of the law and the Pharisees, who asked Jesus what to do with her. They indeed wanted Jesus to agree to them or they would accuse Jesus through this incident. Think about the June 4^th Movement, and then think about this story. They are not just historical records about sins and punishment, or about religion and conscience. They are about human dilemma which, since the beginning of history, we as human beings have never been able to get away with. Human nature has been wandering between the two extremes. On the one hand, the group of people try hard to uncover other people's sins and bring accusations to them for the sake of religion and piety; on the other hand, the same group of people quietly walk away for the sake of their conscience. Furthermore, when Jesus asked the woman if anybody had brought charges against her, her answer was "no" but not "no sin". Who can say she hadn't repented because she already answered to the Lord according to her true self.

Here I feel the ugliness of human nature in their frenzy of intellectuality. I also feel their true sentiment in their helpless echo of conscience. They try to control themselves and they also give themselves up. They try to protect themselves and they also uncover themselves. They take and they give; they hate and they love; they retaliate and they pardon; they cover their sins and they repent; they reject God and they also need God. Their ego shifts between ugliness and beauty. And this constant shift is torturing their own heart and soul.

I have never found the truth. But truth has found me because of my hunger for truth, my anxiety for my hometown, my ignorance for the eternal and my lamentation for sins. God and His love have found me. So what I am trying to say is: the ugliness of human nature probably is not detestation because of fright, it is our unconscious self torture on the edge of sins and desperation. The beauty of human nature is probably not just sentimentality or yearning for love, but it is a heart of acceptance. It is to accept true life and peace. Oh God, how you will treasure such a heart!