A Wolf From the North

Our life is but a dream. Why is apparent understanding so often haunted by aimlessness and weariness?

By Pi Pi

A thousand miles of lonely graveyard

At one time I knew nothing about religion, but was convinced that all religions were nonsense. I believed that science alone was the key to everything. For this reason, I was often contemptuous of religious practices and I was determined that I would never be fooled.

Then, during my third year of study at Qinghua University in Beijing, my father passed away He died of a cerebral hemorrhage in early October. Death struck him quickly and unexpectedly, but my family did not want to tell me the bad news because they did not want to upset my studies. But I began to sense that something was wrong because I realized that my father had suddenly stopped writing to me, while my mother and sister continued to send me my allowance and letters of encouragement. So I wrote to them demanding to know what was going on. Two months later, they finally told me the truth. Although I had figured something was wrong, I was still shocked at the terrible news.

I did not know what to do. I could not forgive myself for not being with him during the last moments of his life. While he was near death, there I was happily enjoying the lovely fireworks in the night sky on Independence Day. Yet it was he who had loved me the most and whom I too had loved the most in the world. Between life and death, the lonely graveyard stretches a thousand miles; and yet there is no place for words of grief. My whole life went dark. At about that time I had been deeply hurt by some other things, and all this made me more deeply aware of the world's dark side as well as of the ugliness and selfishness of human nature.

I'd rather be a little dog

I grew skeptical about the significance of human existence. I adopted some of the 19^th-century German philosophies: "Life itself wanders between bitterness and boredom. If it departs from boredom, it comes close to bitterness. But if it walks away from bitterness, then it approaches boredom." "In addition to the endless selfishness within human nature, there is also hate, anger, envy, rage, malice, and pleasure at the expense of others' misfortune." "As long as we exist, we cannot choose not to exist. As long as we live, we cannot choose not to live. So our life really has no way out. If a dying person can make a last wish, his best hope is that he never be reincarnated."

Actually I was not the only one following these philosophies. Once I asked a young Japanese woman I knew in Ithaca in the East what she would like to be in the next world, and without hesitating she replied, "I'd like to be a little dog. That would be a lot easier than being a human."

At that time I particularly liked this song of Qi Qin: "I am a wolf from the North; I stand in the middle of the endless wilderness. The fierce north wind swirls around me, and its whirling dust envelopes me. I can only bite my cold lips, and respond with a couple of howls..."

Reality seemed to make me lose my sense of identity. I seemed to have become a mere spectator of life. My heart had turned cold and I was disillusioned about life. I no longer seemed to care about anything because I had decided that nothing in this world was of any value. Human beings were like travelers and our lives were a process rather than a consequence. Dream was probably a better word to describe it. Nevertheless, while I thought I had gained a complete understanding of life, and was willing to simply passively wait till its end, I was still unhappy. I often felt disoriented, weary and aimless.

Hate subsides

I came to America in April 1999. Once I was with some friends of mine, and for the first time I heard a Christian mentioning my name in his prayer. He was asking God to fill my life with blessing. Although I did not care much about "God", my heart warmed a little that someone cared about me like this. When I went to church for the first time, as I listened to the hymns and messages my heart was inexplicably touched, as if somebody had started to pluck the strings of a dusty guitar. But I hesitated, because I had always considered myself an atheist. I felt that it was ridiculous to believe in an intangible god.

And I continued to hesitate. On the one hand, I enjoyed going to church and I liked to hear the words of God from the Bible. But on the other hand, I was skeptical about His existence. At this time I was also feeling frustrated at my inability to adjust to my new life in America. One night I was lying in bed at midnight, unable to sleep. Then suddenly I said to myself, "Why don't I pray to God?" So I started to pray silently in my heart. Wonderfully, after I had prayed I felt much better and immediately fell asleep. From then on, I started to draw closer to God.

One day I was singing a hymn in church. When I came to the verse: "God heals your wounds", my tears began to fall. I prayed to God, "Oh Lord, please remove my wounds and restore to me a heart to love this world." Then for the first time in my life, my heart was filled with tranquility, peace and forgiveness. All the complaints, hatred and sorrow faded away. God had heard my prayer and with His wonderful hands He had brought me healing. Sometimes tears draw people's sympathy; at other times simply their scorn. But God never forgets or despises one single tear. The moment I called on the name of Jesus and asked Him to take my life in His hands, an amazing warmth suffused my whole body, as if once again I was bathed in my father's love.

I remembered once being at a church function, during which a sister who was going through a very difficult time demonstrated an unusual calmness. I used to greatly admire her 'life within a life' and her self-confidence. But now I realized that I too was able to respond in the same way, for there is an eternal force behind every Christian life. For a Christian, life is not a body of dead water; it is a living fountain.

No more Qi Qin

A writer once said that while our lives may be loaded down with heavy burdens, it is through the burdens that we learn to rely on God; in our weakness, we learn humility. When my heart calls on His name God makes Himself known to me and gives peace to my wounded heart. I am no longer a northern wolf who, in hate and resentfulness, can only bite his cold lips in despair. Instead I have begun to have a calm and joyful temperament, and I am able to live on as a whole person, with a new energy and active lifestyle. I finally realize that, deep in our spirit, there is an empty space that nothing can fill until it becomes the temple of God.

I remember when I first got to know my husband, I often asked him, "Why do we live? What is the meaning of life?" He found it hard to give me an answer. Then at last he said carefully, "Perhaps human life is like a bubble." I was not satisfied with this answer, but I have a different perspective now. Our life is indeed like a stream of bubbles. They may be insignificant and transient, but each one of them is unique. Some are large and some are small. Some are thin and some are thick. Some burst right away and some fly high. Some burst before they have a chance to reach sunlight and some enjoy a moment of beauty by reflecting the beautiful sunlight. God's love is like the sunlight that brings color to our lives.

"Oh Lord, my heart is never at peace till I have peace in you."

The author came from Beijing. She is now with her husband who studies in Cornell University in New York.