I have lived in America for almost ten years, but have only recently become a Christian after some hard mental struggles.

Encounter With The Sunlight

During the first half of last year, I finished my research project at the university and was looking for a new job. That was the start of all the changes that would soon take place. Frankly, it was not a good year for job hunting in the U.S. I sent out more than 100 resumes to no avail. My wife and I were getting anxious. Then, it just happened that my wife was invited to a Chinese Bible study group on our campus. At first, she had no intention of going, but after having been invited several weeks in a row, she finally gave in for the sake of saving face. To her surprise, she enjoyed it so much that she kept on going every week. The "Brothers" and "Sisters" in that Bible study group prayed for my job search. The night before I went to a job interview in K city, a couple of Christian friends made an effort to come to my house and pray for me. I was not a believer, but I figured that I had nothing to lose, so I didn't oppose the idea. Surprisingly, something rather amazing happened to me the next day on the way to my interview.

K city was about 200 miles away from my home. I started off in the early morning by myself. As I was driving onto the straight highway, I suddenly saw a burst of sunlight. There was a bright light on the road, on the car, and even inside the car. It lasted for about five minutes. I was astonished. I had been driving for over eight years, and often had to drive facing the sun, but never before had I seen a sight like this. Suddenly, I remembered one of the prayers they had prayed for me the night before. "Lord, may you bless this man's family and shine upon their path ahead." I was deeply moved. Spontaneously, I whispered a prayer right there, "God, is it true that you have revealed yourself to me? If it is, please bless me and make my interview a success. If I am hired, I will believe in you."

The interview went well. After a difficult elimination process, I got the job in K city, just as I had prayed. Furthermore, my wife also found a good job. You would think that I would believe in God after all this. But my foolish, hardened heart changed quickly, and I didn't keep my promise to God.

My Thoughts

After settling down in K City, my wife and children regularly attended a Chinese Bible study group near the University. Every night that it was held, I would drop them off at the church, and then go to work in my lab until it was time to pick them up. Sometimes I happened to arrive before the Bible study was over. Out of courtesy, I would sit down and listen. I noticed that they were discussing the Bible word by word. Years back, we had used the same method to study the works of Chairman Mao. I felt quite strange about the whole thing. Then I was also annoyed to hear them say that all men are sinners. I had always worked diligently, treated others honestly, and gone out of my way to help others. As a result, I had always been respected by others. I honestly asked myself, "What sin have I committed?"

Although I resisted their Christian faith, from time to time I would quietly pray for my problems at work and in my life. After each prayer, all the problems seemed to be resolved. Time after time, I couldn't help feeling the existence of a supernatural power that was secretly helping me. I wanted to know more about Christianity and kept on asking questions, but I was rarely satisfied with the answers I received. One person said, "I came to believe in God through my personal experience and feelings." Another said, "You should believe in Him first. Once you believe, you'll feel the existence of God." I was quite turned off by the idea of believing in God before I had any proof. This reminded me of what Lin Piao (protégé of Chairman Mao) once said during the Cultural Revolution, "As for Chairman Mao's instructions, you should carry out the ones you understand and also those you don't. For in doing so, you will come to understand." I wholeheartedly heeded his instructions during those years, only to learn later that I had been completely deceived. How could I ever again "believe in" something that I did not clearly understand? Frustrated by my many difficult questions, some friends joked "If you ever believe in God, the whole world will believe." Although I occasionally attended the Bible study, I was very dubious.

One day, we were studying the Gospel of Mark, Chapter 9 in which a man was begging Jesus to heal his son. Jesus said to him, "Everything is possible for him who believes." Immediately, the boy's father exclaimed, "I believe; help me overcome my unbelief." In the discussion that followed, I was deeply moved by the honesty and sincerity of the father in this story.

For the first time, I openly shared my thoughts in the meeting, "My unbelief has been the result of my unique background. I am an intellectual, one who has been through the Cultural Revolution. I am keen on thinking and adore hard work." Seeing the surprised look on their faces, I decided to explain everything as I understood it: "According to the Theory of Knowledge," I began, "people in primitive societies had little understanding of natural phenomena. They started worshipping the thunder, lighting, flood and fire out of fear. As society and human knowledge of nature progressed, the concept of God was gradually dropped. Theism is the product of limited knowledge, but as knowledge advanced, atheism was the natural result." I was trying to show them how ridiculous and embarrassing it would be for a highly educated Ph.D. like me to believe in "superstition" and to worship God.

When the Cultural Revolution started in 1966, I was a student at Beijing University. With my university at the center of events, I was an eyewitness and a full participant of the turmoil that occurred during that period. As it turned out, I found myself kidnapped and beaten by the rival faction currently in power. I was exiled to Inner Mongolia, then to Henan Province, where I labored in the countryside, at various mines and organizations. I was only able to resume my academic career in 1978. By then, the country was ridden with wounds, and so was I, emotionally and physically.

After suffering all this hardship for worshipping Mao Tze-Tung, I determined that I would never blindly worship anyone in the world again, unless it was something I could truly believe in. Then, I would make it the pillar of my spirit. I had my own career; I could use what I had learned to contribute to society, and to help others. I was quite content. Therefore, I did not feel I needed anything else to make me complete. To me, religion was just a crutch for uneducated old ladies and losers. Experience had taught me that I had to strive hard myself; nothing else was reliable.

Unconcerned with my arrogance and pride, the leader of the fellowship, a professor at a medical school, said in a very modest manner, "Your doubt is understandable. When we first believed in the Lord, we had similar problems. The only way to solve these problems is to study more. Only when you have a better understanding of the Bible and Christianity can you decide whether these things are true. It's never too late."

His words made sense. From then on, in addition to attending the weekly Bible study, I started borrowing books from the fellowship, and purchasing reference books from Christian book stores in Pennsylvania and California, hoping to obtain answers from those books. Once I started reading, I was immediately drawn to the words. Those books brought me into a new and vast territory. The amazing descriptions of the spiritual world were made real to me. I was absorbing them like a hungry soul, reading late into the evening every night. The clouds of doubt slowly diminished, and my heart began to feel lighter.

Accidental Discovery

I used to think that science and religion were mutually exclusive. However, when I found out that 92% of the 300 greatest scientists of the last century, including Newton, Ohm, Farady, Mendel, and Pasteur whom I greatly admired, all believed in God, I was shocked. I was also humbled by the fact that today many famous scientists, astronauts and Nobel prize winners are also Christians. Because I had always respected the attitude of careful investigation and reasoning, I asked myself, "Is my attitude toward Christianity scientific enough?"

Although I had never studied the Bible myself, I had been saying with certainty that Christianity was foolish and ignorant and that the Bible was unscientific. I realized now how illogical and ignorant my own thinking had been. In the past I had been proud to call myself an atheist. But now I realized that a true atheist is one who has personally decided that he cannot believe in God only after a systematic study and comparison of Theism and Atheism. I had never done such a study myself. I had just accepted whatever the governmental propaganda taught me. My problem was not that I didn't believe in God, but rather that I didn't even know that there is a God.

I had not read the Bible. I had never even read through the index once. In the Bible studies, whenever the leader asked us to turn to a certain passage in the Bible, I was very nervous, because I had no idea where things were. It was embarrassing for me to ask others. I fumbled the book back and forth, and never could find the right place. In the end someone had to help me locate it, which was disconcerting. But now, I decided to make a serious study of the Bible.

Whether Or Not There Is A God

I am a strong-willed person, and think that I'm right most of the time. However, I am quick to acknowledge my mistakes and never try to cover them up. I approached the first important issue: whether or not there is a God. The answer is readily available just by looking around the universe. Take the earth for example. If the earth were smaller, there would not have been any atmosphere. If the earth were bigger, the atmosphere would have been filled with hydrogen gas. If the distance between the earth and the sun varied even a tiny bit, the earth would have been either too hot or too cold for life to exist. The moon has served a peculiar function; its existence contributed to the formation of continents and oceans on earth. The angle of the axis of the earth provides our four seasons. all these things are designed very precisely and beautifully. It would be hard to believe that they all happened accidentally. There must be a wise Creator who carefully designed and purposefully created all this.

Water is another example. Due to its many unique qualities, water serves a vital function for all living things. Without water, there would be no life. Every other substance except water expands when hot and shrinks when cold. But water expands at temperatures lower than 40c. That is why ice floats on water. Otherwise, all the seas, rivers, lakes and swamps would be frozen solid, and no water creatures would survive. The only reasonable explanation for this unique quality of water is that it was designed by a wise Creator.

The photosynthesis of green plants not only provides food for animals on earth; it also releases oxygen for animals. On the other hand, the carbon dioxide that is breathed out by animals happens to be a necessary element needed in photosynthesis. What a perfect match! We are awed at the complex harmony and the wonder of living organisms. It is difficult to believe that life came about accidentally from inorganic substance and then evolved in its own way. Although we have advanced molecular biological knowledge, it is still impossible, and will be impossible for a very long time, to create a living cell in test tube. Even if someday we can create life in the laboratory, it must be a product of delicate design, careful control and hard work. Even if we were able to fabricate life one day, it would serve as a proof of creation, not evolution.

I used to think that natural laws are without beginning and end and that they cause the universe to exist. All my questions and doubts stopped at that point. The natural order was my "God". No question has ever been asked about the origin of these laws. But if natural order is like all other laws, it must be established, carried out, and function under an authority. Laws have no thoughts or will of their own. They are not the Creator, they were created. Why then are there natural laws? Where do they come from? By what force are they governed? Under the bondage of atheism, people consciously or unconsciously avoid such questions, because searching into these questions will shake the foundation of atheism and logically come to the conclusion of creation.

Spiritual World

With the improvements in emergency life-saving equipment, the chance of surviving Near Death Syndrome (NDS) among heart attack patients has increased. Dr. Maurice Rawling, a leading scientist in American cardiology, has had many opportunities to listen to the stories told by patients who have had an NDS experience. Nearly all patients described an experience of their soul leaving their physical bodies and seeing their long deceased loved ones. Some of the souls went to a beautiful garden; others went to a dark place. These testimonies greatly shook Dr. Rawling. He deliberately collected more information on the issue and compiled his research in a book entitled "What Death is All About". Last Christmas, after coming back from church, I was reading this book. The background and status of the author, and all the first-hand information he mentioned enabled me to fully believe the stories. All my life I have heard many stories about souls and spirits. Why shouldn't I believe? The experiences of my relatives seemed so real; they had no reason to make up those stories. But if I did believe, it would contradict my own atheistic belief. I found an easy way out: "believe what you choose to believe." I tried to avoid the matter altogether. Now, facing Rawling's book, I had no choice but to face the fact of an existing spiritual world. If some will go to heaven, others will go to hell. I felt very uneasy.

At that time, a friend from North Carolina called me long distance and shared her faith in God. The previous year when her father was gravely ill, she was very sad not being able to go back to China to see him, so she prayed continually and asked God to allow her to see her father for the last time. Later she saw her father in her dream. Several days later her father passed away. When she described over the phone to her mother how her father looked, her mother was astonished since what she had described about her father was a perfect match with reality. God had indeed heard her prayer and granted her wish. Suddenly, a real and living God seemed to be standing right before me. I had a respect and fear of Him that I never had before. When I prayed that night, I got down on my knees.

Beyond Science

Ever since I realized that there is a God, the relationship between science and religion has been easier to grasp. I used to think that science was number one, that it was most reliable, and that anything that could not be proven by science was unreliable. Now I understand that scientific methods have their limits. Science is a grand road leading to the discovery of truth about the physical world. But the non-physical world is beyond the reach of science. I used to think that the scientific discoveries based on objective facts were reliable, but things like God or others that require faith were questionable. Now I realize there is nothing in life that does not require faith. In scientific research, we have to start with the hypothesis that the universe is governed by certain laws, but it also takes faith to accept this hypothesis.

When I understood how much the Christian Reformation influenced the Western Renaissance, the Industrial Revolution and modern science, I regretfully realized how biased I had been to think that Christianity and science were exclusive of each other. God created the universe and all its laws; scientific studies only discover these laws. From this point of view, God's creation is in harmony with scientific research. When Newton commented on his own achievements, he said that he was merely "tracing God's thinking", "to think as God". In contrast to Almighty God, human ability to comprehend is inferior. We can only understand a very small part of the laws that God reveals. In addition, scientific study can only explain the laws, but it will never be able to explain how they are there, and how the laws are created and maintained. Therefore, God's creation is far beyond science.

Dr. Robert Jastrow, the founder of NASA. wrote something that is philosophical and refreshing. He wrote, "For a scientist who lives by the power of rationality, the end of his story will be like a nightmare. He has been climbing the mountain of the unknown, and is just about to reach the peak, when to his surprise, he is met by a group of theologians who have already been there for centuries."

The sixty-six books in the Bible were written by over forty authors, including kings, prophets, fishermen and a tax collector. Although their writings span more than a thousand years, the Bible still presents an integrated message from cover to cover. The historical facts of the character and miracles of Jesus, and his resurrection clearly indicate that He is the son of God. Dr. Canon Westcott at Cambridge University said "In fact, with the large amount of evidence available, we may say that no other single event in history has had more proofs than the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Unless you have preconceived it to be false, there is nothing which can make us think that the resurrection lacks evidence." Our God has visited earth to reveal His righteousness, holiness, love and power to men. With his own words, he has taught men about his kingdom. A crucial difference between Christianity and other religions is that Christian belief is founded on objective facts.

Significant Changes

Half a year after accepting the Lord, my heart had undergone significant changes. Prior to my conversion, externally my emotional life appeared to be positive and cheerful. But deep inside, I knew better. Thirty years before, when I had visited the Beijing Astronomical Observatory for the first time, I was deeply touched by the vast universe. The planet earth is like a drop of water in a great ocean. Human beings are so insignificant; I felt I was nearly equal to nothing. I was captured by a kind of hopeless emptiness and sense of loss that I had never experienced before. I will never forget that feeling. Life is so short. It scared me after reaching my thirty's. It was easy to say that it is just the order of nature to be born and to die. But because I thought that death is just like a candle going out, I was depressed to think about my body either being cremated or buried underground where it would decay. My heart felt heavy and empty.

I worked hard. On the one hand, I was trying to realize more of the value of life; on the other hand, I was too busy to think about death. I was energetic and worked during the day. But when night fell, the emptiness of the unknown kept me awake. This emptiness could not be filled with money, position, achievement or family. I wept whenever I read poems of life. "Life is just a dream, the stories of the ups and downs of many dynasties become merely idle talk in a fishing village." And when I read the "Song of Sighing" in the book "Dream of a Red Chamber", or heard some nostalgic songs, my heart was deeply moved.

Since believing in the Lord, I know where man has come from and where he will go, and I understand the truth about life. Although I am so insignificantly small like a tiny grain of sand, God values me and has chosen me to be His child. Once the life is connected with God the Creator, it becomes everlasting. My heart is filled with satisfaction that cannot be fully described in words. Emptiness and confusion are swept away altogether. Having eternal hope, I am no longer afraid. I can face death with courage.

I have always believed that there is one most crucial moment in each person's life. If you take the right steps, your life will be glorious. Otherwise you will have missed your chance. Based upon this belief, I tried to improve my own ethical and moral knowledge, to enhance my ability to distinguish right from wrong, and to be more aware and more capable of making a living. I joined a few friends who shared a similar belief in order to help one another reach the right decision in time of need. Up until last year, I still encouraged my friends with words like "Life is tough and long; let's be truthful and help each other". This was indicative of my desire; it also revealed my sense of insecurity. Of course it's better to fight in a team than alone. Now that I have come to know the Lord for several months, my motto in life has been "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths" (Proverbs 5:6). This has become the experience of millions of Christians. With the presence of a living, almighty and loving God, I no longer need to worry about my future. I have peace in my heart.

Another Change

Another change in me, after believing in the Lord, is that my thoughts have gradually been liberated from worldly desires. I used to believe that a happy person was one who felt content. I was not greedy for money and other material goods, but I was greedy about a career and achievement. I longed to be accepted by society and hoped they would realize my value. I saw myself as an upright person, but I still harbored hatred, envy and selfishness. I liked to help others, but only those who would say "Thank you." If someone thought that he deserved my help, or repaid my kindness with evil, I would be greatly upset and would leave him forever. My faith has brought a spiritual light to me. The material world has become dim and unattractive. Now my eyes can see farther; my heart is broader; and all my worries have faded while joy and peace increase.

In mainland China, we were constantly required to have our point of view corrected. If one did not grasp the key point, then he would not be effective. Today, my view-point has totally changed, from the view of an earthly citizen to that of a citizen of kingdom of God. I used to stand on earth alone and look up at the universe. I felt lost and sighed about man's insignificance. But today I stand beside my Lord and look down at the universe. Everything is so beautiful. How I praise His power! In the past, I fought hard against the temptations of the world. I suffered from anxiety and frustration. Today, I belong to the true God, and walk on the right road, and grow in the light of wisdom. I have begun to taste the sweetness of joy and peace.

Looking back at my spiritual journey, I realize how stupid and stubborn I had been, and how loving and mighty God was and is. I am full of gratitude and awe towards the Heavenly Father who has saved the world. I honestly hope that all the friends who might have similar background and experience, but don't yet believe in God, will not have to follow my long difficult path. Instead, cast away all your bias, open your hearts, objectively study Christianity. Then make your decision. I believe that anyone who has a will to find out the truth about life and eternity will be able to get a perfect answer from the Holy Bible.

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Dr. Feng came from Beijing and is now a medical scientist in Wisconsin State