In June 1991, I was baptized and became a Christian. From an atheist to a Christian who knows the Lord and determines to follow Jesus, I have roughly gone through the following three phases:

Skeptical about Atheism

The first phase began with my skepticism about atheism and my little knowledge about God. In the past, materialism had been my favorite. Perhaps due to the education I had received in China since childhood, I did not believe there was a divine being controlling the world as well as mankind. I believed that pursuing something outside of our bodies or someone outside of our world was a symptom of lack of self confidence, a symptom of lack of courage and a symptom of superstition. If we were so hopeless about this world, who could have guaranteed a better next world?

Gradually I began to be skeptical about atheism because I became aware of the existence of a supernatural force. Such consciousness came from two sources. The first was my life experience. I was a self-sponsored Chinese overseas student in Japan. In the first two years of my study I had run into various difficulties including hunger and I had lived a near homeless life. However, whenever I arrived at wits end, there always seemed to be a supernatural force that guided me back on track. Whenever I stumbled on the path of life, I always seemed to feel a hand that helped me march forward. I had once been very proud of myself when I qualified to study in the best known Japanese university. But then the invisible hand forced me to give up worldly praise and envy, and instead it led me to a career path that I had been unwilling to take and yet today it turns out it is the best for me. I had once described such force as an invisible hand, and I tried to share my experience with my closest friends. Unfortunately, those who listened accused me of ungratefulness. Although they believed my brain was still functioning, these friends of mine had given me a lot of help when I was undergoing hardship. Apparently they were a bit annoyed that I appreciated the invisible hand much more than their help. I had to admit that I failed to express myself well in my communication with them.

The Existence of Supernatural Force

My consciousness about the existence of a supernatural force came from a second source and that was my study in biology. In both the macroscopic world and the microscopic world, life is indeed a wonderful phenomenon with its purposeful, systematic and self-regulated behavior. There are various analytical theories about life’s inescapable phenomenon, but in my opinion none of them sounds as convincing as the one that attributes the wonder of life to the work of a supernatural force. Indeed, it needs more faith and courage to attribute nature’s wonder to nature itself than to a supernatural force.

The accumulation of experience and knowledge made me skeptical about atheism and dissatisfied with modern scientific theories about nature. Nevertheless, I was also doubtful about the intangible supernatural force. Was it just a fantasy? Did God really exist? None of the existing philosophical or psychological theories was able to give me a satisfactory answer.

Intellectual Phase

It was not until I approached the church and the Bible did I started to gain intellectual understanding of God. This was also my second phase in search of God, the intellectual phase.

My first visit to church was completely unintentional. And when I first read the Bible, I was dissatisfied at the description of God’s creation in Genesis. I raised skeptical questions and I started to read some books about theology. I kept reminding myself that faith was real and faith was a major event in human life. I had first attempted to find clues about the existence of God from scientific or historical writings outside the Bible. I found a few testimonies about how scientists studied the Bible and how they became Christians. I also discovered how some of the Bible’s prophesies were fulfilled in history. None of my discoveries brought absolute proof. Nonetheless, I accepted a basic point of view: if God really created us, then we could not possibly study God in the way we study nature, nor would we be able to manipulate God by any intellectual means. As a pastor once said: "Science is not the judge; the Bible is not the defendant. It is not right to make scientific judgment about the Bible." Modern scientific advancement and intellectual development enable us to gain profound knowledge and explanation of truth. But after all, truth came into existence before science did.

Another issue puzzled me. Christianity was merely one kind of religion. Was it really what I should pick? In other words, which religion could lead me toward understanding the invisible supernatural force? I had also studied Buddhism and Taoism, and I did not feel turned off by either of them. But after comparing all of them, I decided to choose Christianity, because Christianity was not about self-cultivation, but it was the way that would lead toward God the Creator.

I started to gain intellectual knowledge about God, but I was still lacking faith in the Lord. I realized it was quite a challenge for me to abandon my own design and goal for life and to submit to God. I had only wanted to unload my troubles on God, and yet I had still wanted to be my own master. I seemed to have been wandering outside the entrance of a palace full of treasure to which I was irresistibly attracted. If only I could obtain a little piece of the treasure, I would start to win worldly honor and to successfully carry on my own plan of life. But the master in the palace said, "You can pick whatever you like from here, but from now on you must do what I tell you to do and walk in the way I lay out for you." I asked, "But what about myself? The reason I wanted to pick a piece of treasure is that I wanted to fulfill my plan and to reach my personal goal." I hesitated. Some time later, I participated in some Bible study meetings. A pastor also gave me a book called The Lord’s Disciple. Through these means, the master of the palace said to me, "You are my work of creation. Your goal of life is to honor the Lord. It is I who choose you, not you me. It is you who needs me, not I you. If you can lean on me and listen to my teachings, you will obtain wealth that others cannot even approach. But honor belongs to me." Finally I made my decision to accept and follow the Lord Jesus Christ. This is also my third phase of knowing God, in that I managed to combine intellectualism with faith before faith was truly established.

The author came from Beijing. He graduated from the Chemistry Research Institute of Japan’s National Tokyo University. He currently works in Japan.