It is often asked that why people from Mainland China are so slow and stubborn in believing in the Lord? Indeed so. The reason may have something to do with our educational background and the environment in which we grew up. Mainland China is very different from Hong Kong and Taiwan, although they are all considered godless areas. China has always been a godless country since 1949, and the atheist propaganda is adamantly denies the existence of God.

In our youth when our world outlook was just being formed, we received a program of political education including the Communist ideology, the revolutionary heroism, Marxism and Leninism, Mao's works, materialistic dialectics, historical materialism, combined with evolutionary history of human society, China's modern history and the history of the Chinese Communist Party, Marxist philosophy, political economics, scientific communism, and so on. It was this kind of lengthy and high-volume brainwashing that made us subconsciously accept a complete set of teachings, causing profound impact on our way of thinking and the formation of our world outlook. For quite some time I myself innocently believed that the Communist Party and socialism were the only saviors of China. Through the evolutionary education we received, we naturally believed that human beings were evolved from apes, and we undoubtedly imbibed the materialistic view point that labor created mankind as well as the natural world. We definitely did not believe that God created the earth. The whole generation of Chinese who grew up in this environment were not only certain that we shouldered the historical responsibility to transform society, China and the whole world, but we naturally positioned ourselves as the masters of these transformations. This certainly included the concept of mastering our own fate. As a result, no matter when or where, if there was a slight mention of the concept of God creating the universe and human beings, we would immediately build up a defense deep in our heart.

Our negative feeling about religion had its own origins. From our study of modern Chinese history, we came to the conclusion that Christianity came into China together with the imperialist battleships as well as all the unfair treaties forcefully imposed on us. It was the spiritual opium that was intended to break down people's fighting spirit, and it was the means the imperialist superpowers would use to enslave the Chinese people. Countless books and biographies exposed the ugly inside of many foreign religious organizations before 1949. These organizations did evil against the Chinese people. They used human bodies to conduct bacteria experiments and they mistreated children. We deeply believed that religion was hypocritical. What it claimed as love, peace and kindness meant nothing but cheating and falsehood. In the fifties and sixties, the Italian novel Gadfly became popular in China. The novel made readers feel disgusted with the Catholic father's hypocrisy and see the darkness of religion.

Later, like many others of my age, I experienced the ten-year Cultural Revolution and other political movements, including being forced to settle down in rural areas. So many times had we been tossed around that we finally woke up with disbelief. While we threw away all of the former ideologies, we also became unwilling to believe in anything else. Indeed, we found it hard to imagine that another kind of belief could still be attractive to us. How could we, who had just freed ourselves from a kind of ideological bondage, get ourselves bound up all over again in a different harness? Absolutely not! We would rather live by our own conscience. We believed we could live a righteous and joyful life without any kind of belief. Furthermore, the teachings and world outlooks of dialectic materialism had become part of us and did not die away as our ideologies had. Objectively, these teachings became obstacles to our adopting another belief. Therefore, I despised any religious activities. I assumed that those who went to church were lazy people. I believed that we were supposed to grasp our own fate by fighting through life's hardships, setbacks and difficulties with courage and perseverance. It might be justifiable for dying patients or ailing elders to seek comfort from religion and to ask help from a spiritual savior. For young people however, such was almost a shameful act of degeneration. As a result, no matter what happened to myself or my family, I intended never to get involved in religion.

How did I, with a strong negative sentiment against religion, with no knowledge of God and with no desire to escape from reality into any religious protection, manage to make a turn-around and eventually become a Christian? There were three reasons.

1. The Lord's grace.
1. Objectively I started to have the need deep inside myself although I was not subjectively conscious of it.
1. All the love and help and guidance from many brothers and sisters.

Through external environment and various situations, God rid me of my pride by making me recognize human fragility, limitation and unpredictability. I began to realize that human beings alone cannot bear various pressure and blows. Not only are they unable to live a righteous life, but they cannot even reach true everlasting joy. God made me reevaluate the significance of life and the meaning of living. This reevaluation became an important part of my transformation.

I came to America in 1985 to visit my husband who was studying here. It was completely beyond my expectation that life on the other side of the Pacific could generate such an impact upon my spiritual world and manage to bring me from the clouds all the way down to earth.

I was an obstetrician in China. The medical profession was highly respected. In my first few years in America, I was without a work permit. I had no choice but to work as a housekeeper, a baby-sitter and a special nurse for post-operative patients or for paralyzed elderly patients. Such was the change from a life style of high social status, receiving respect and service from others, to the lowly position of serving others for a living. Although we had had more than enough brainwashing regarding "revolutionary work being about division of labor but not about social classes", I still felt very bad, thanks to the influence of the deeply rooted Chinese culture and tradition which were thousands of years old.

Several years had gone by since I forsook my beloved profession. It seemed that all my former classmates, colleagues and friends had achieved quite a bit and I started to grow restless. Those who came abroad as visiting scholars published articles or attended research conferences; those who were sent to developing countries as members of medical teams also made significant accomplishments in those countries; those who stayed in China were either promoted or awarded for their contribution to medical research; those who came to America at about the same time as I did but who could legally work not only started to make some serious money but also gained knowledge and working experience. Everybody else seemed to be making progress and to have a great future. What did I have instead? For various reasons (my husband was still in school; my child was still small; I still had language problem, etc.), there was no chance for me to make a difference, and I was greatly depressed. Among my former classmates, colleagues, managers and friends who cared about me, all expressed great sympathy for my situation. I was in extremely low spirits and saw in the future nothing but hopelessness and darkness.

My husband's research fund application was not without glitches, and we constantly lived in financial instability and insecurity. If he should lose his funding, he would have to deal with all sorts of problems including switching to a different advisor, altering his research field, or even going to a different school. Not only would he have to start all over again and waste time, but it would directly affect our living. All these problems brought me anxiety and impatient concern.

Loneliness overwhelmed me because, being psychologically unbalanced, I stopped all correspondence with my old friends and was reluctant to make new friends. I had hoped to receive some comfort and care from my family life, but my husband was so busy doing his study and work that dinner time was almost the only chance for me to speak with him. I was extremely lonely as my husband almost never came home before midnight.

I had treasured memories of working together with my colleagues and friends in China. I had also treasured the memories of my past accomplishments. Whenever I thought about reality or the future, I felt I was wasting my life and making meaningless sacrifices. In place of peace and joy, my heart was filled with grief, anxiety, worry and impatience. I was tired. I had a hard time falling asleep at night and I had to take large doses of sleeping pills. Very often I stared at the ceiling and asked myself: What does America give to me? Why am I here? What do human beings live for? The value of a person's life should not depend upon employment or what kind of job this person had. But why was I so pessimistic and depressed, as if my life had lost some of its value in being a housewife. Suppose the value of life and the significance of life were not determined by an external force, what then was the deciding factor? I had been deemed an open-minded person; I had many good qualities; I studied diligently and resolutely; I was responsible and was willing to extend a helping hand. What had happened to all my integrity? External environment had transformed me into a totally different person. How terrible! I had attempted to recuperate and be joyful. Why did I fail to do this? Could I really be my own master? I started to doubt myself. I seemed to be falling into a bottomless pit from which I tried to free myself, but I was surrounded by hopelessness, helplessness and weakness.

God's love reached out to me. He saw how I had suffered and He heard my heart cry of wanting to free myself from darkness. God's time had come to save me. Through many of my Christian friends, I started to feel the love of God and I slowly turned toward Him. Early 1990, my mother came to America. She said she was one of Jesus' lost sheep (she had been baptized in the Anglican church of the United Southwest University in 1947). Now she devoted herself to seeking the Lord wholeheartedly. My mother's visit immediately exposed us to the Gospel and to Christian friends (I think this was God's doing). First of all, we were fortunate enough to get to know many brothers and sisters. Despite their differences in church denominations, ages, occupations and backgrounds, they all shared one thing -- an honest and loving heart. They brought Jesus to us through various means, sending us books, giving us booklets, recommending good reading, calling to help us read the Bible, inviting us to family gatherings and picnics, giving testimonies for God, discussing faith during lunch breaks, and paying us visits. Although I did not believe any of the miraculous and sometimes bizarre Bible stories, I was impressed by the super-human love these people demonstrated. It was this kind of love that melted my icy heart like a spring breeze. My egocentric and solitary world started to open up. I felt that these people were harmless and they were worth getting to know. And for the sake of politeness, I would occasionally listen to what they said.

One day, we unintentionally watched a TV program called Between Heaven and Man. The convincing message of the program roused my interest by applying Biblical principles to everyday life. Then one day an elder of a church came to visit us. The elder described how he had become a Christian. He also answered a lot of our questions. I was greatly impressed by the fundamental transformation of his whole self after he became a Christian. The elder's visit a crucial occasion for me to hear the Gospel. For the first time in my life, I learned about our sinful nature and heard that the wages of sin was death. For the first time in my life, I heard about the salvation of the cross and its significance in my personal life. Jesus died for the world. He also died for me and made sin offerings for me. He executed God's salvation plan and made it possible for me to restore my relationship with God. If only I believed in the Lord, Jesus' blood would cleanse me. I had never heard of such a thing, nor had I ever thought about it. I was deeply moved by God's plan of salvation which was completely beyond human comprehension. If all of this were true, then the love of God was indeed the most noble, the most holy and the most far-reaching of all.

I started to wonder why so many well-educated people believed in Jesus. Christianity must surely have some reasonable aspects. Why couldn't I put aside my prejudice and adopt an objective attitude to learn more about it? I recalled that there was a big difference between the kind of capitalist society we had heard about in China and the kind of capitalist society we had experienced in America. Obviously our viewpoint could be directly influenced or limited by our social environment, educational background and individual experience.

God made me clearly see His salvation through three things:

1. Reading (using 10 to 15 minutes lunch break or 10 to 15 minutes before going to bed; very effective after a while);
1. Listening to cassette tapes giving scientific testimonies;
1. Keeping on going to church every Sunday and trying to participate in Bible studies.

In six or seven months, I felt I had learned a lot. Among all of these activities, reading stood out as extremely important in my efforts to clear ideological obstacles, to enrich my intellectual understanding of Christianity and to make sure what we believe. God revealed to me a learning principle: whether I was reading, seeing or listening, I absorbed as much as I could of what I was able understand, and temporarily put aside what I was not able to (as opposed to commenting or criticizing). Keeping on doing this enabled me to understand more.

Eventually my viewpoint changed:

1. Understanding the existence of God. Concerning the origin of the universe as well as mankind, I was willing to agree with the more appealing logic of creation. I completely abandoned my atheist standpoint.
1. Concerning sin, what is meant by the sinful nature of human beings. God's measurement of sin is different from what we understood sin to be. I clearly realized that I was a sinner.
1. Seperating Christian truth from human evils and their consequences. I gradually abandoned my negative feeling about Christianity. I also understood the fundamental cause of human sufferings in the world and the reason God allows these sufferings to exist. Biographies of many missionaries in the past and in modern times shared those missionaries' lives of full devotion and consecration to the truth. These writings enabled me to look at historical events from a different angle and helped me cast aside my negative feelings.

Furthermore, reading enabled me to start finding answers to the following questions:

• The reliability of the Bible; whether the Bible was the inspiration of God.
• The difference between Christianity and other religions.
• The impact of Christianity upon human civilization and social development and how Christianity relates to science.

Not until this time did I clearly perceive the existence of God from the bottom of my heart. I knew the Lord was not only the Creator of the universe, the master of the present world, but also the judge of the future. Christianity made sense. But I never admitted this to anyone, nor did I have any communication with God. At this stage God seemed still too far away for me.

Ultimately an attempt to communicate with God enabled me to experience God. This experience was the most important breakthrough and turning point in my transformation to a new life. When God directly played a role in my life, He did not appear far away any more.

It was summer of 1990, when my husband and I faced financial problems because both of our research sponsors failed to keep up with the research funding. I wanted to find a weekend job in the research lab of Stanford hospital. The manager of the research lab did not want to hire any more Chinese, as there were already quite a few doctors from China working there. Several Chinese doctors went to apply and all were turned down for various reasons. It was a Friday. I had an interview appointment at one o'clock. I clearly knew I was no better than those who had been turned down and my chance of success was slim. At that time I was full of anxiety and worry. Inquiries from those who cared about me made me feel worse. The interview time was quickly approaching. My anxiety level shot up and I was not able to calm down.

I ran out the door to the fountain and started to pray for help. First I confessed to the Lord my past resistance and unwillingness to acknowledge God even after I knew of His existence. I prayed to the Lord, the Almighty beyond any temporal and spatial boundaries, to help me calm down. If He could prove His existence that way, then I would be willing to take Him as my personal Savior. I was praying all right, but I did not expect to see any difference as I was not yet a Christian, and I was not sure if God would listen to me. Then all of a sudden, my entire body experienced a calmness and relaxation that had never happened to me before. My anxieties and worries were completely gone. I had never known such peace of mind which even carried a bit of joy. My aching neck and heavy shoulders were completely relaxed as if I had just removed a heavy load from my shoulders. Such experience came to me so quickly that I was indeed shocked. Then I became joyful for I knew that God had listened to the prayer from me the sinner. But once more I became doubtful. Was this real or was it some kind of fantasy? I had been concentrating on the interview all the time. There was nobody coming to help me overcome my anxieties, nor was there a good reason to believe this was my own endeavor. The thoroughness of this peace of mind was beyond any human explanation. I finally decided that this calmness had to come from God. My heart was filled with a wonderful feeling beyond description. I went to the interview with a peaceful attitude. Despite the fact that the manager deliberately asked me hard questions, I was able to answer all of them appropriately. The interview was on Friday afternoon. Then the following Monday I got a call from them and I was hired! I was filled with joy and thanksgiving. From the bottom of my heart I knew that it was the Lord who gave me that job. My joyful feeling lasted for several days.

Then I stopped praying and I stopped reading the Bible. And slowly all my worry, frustration and anxiety returned. The following Sunday I went to church. The entire assembly was singing the song Be with the Lord for One Hour, which went: "Be with the Lord for one hour; my inner self get transformed. From frustration to new energy, I remove my heavy load and rest in the Lord." Like a seedling in time of heavy drought, my heart was moistened by rain and dew, and it would never go back to the desert again. Now I was unwilling to give up the peace of mind that belonged to me; I was determined to be with the Lord not for one hour or one day, but for the rest of my life. A strong desire grew in my mind: I wanted Jesus to be the master of my life. At an evangelical gathering on July 22, 1990, the Lord led me to raise my hand and announce to the public of my decision. On September 30 of the same year, I was baptized.

Three Years as a ChristianĦXJesus Is the Treasure of My Life

In these three years of walking with the Lord, I have more and more clearly appreciated the significance of life, the goal of living in this world and the value of self. External events such as setbacks and problems in work, study and life, and unpleasant situations with people can no longer bother me. Through daily prayer, Bible study and conversation with the Lord, I now live a calm and solid life. I have deeply experienced the wonder of God's salvation. I want to tell everyone that Jesus is indeed the treasure of our life.

1. He brings me joy, peace and hope.

Ever since I accepted Jesus as my Lord through my faith capped with the Lord's grace, the Holy Spirit and the new life God grants to me have never left me even though I am still not without transgressions. Nothing can compare with the feeling of security I have through communion with the master of the universe. This is by no means self-intoxication because every day I feel the Lord's truth, His love, His care about me and my family and His faithfulness. Although I still meet conflicts and difficulties in my work, study and life, I preserve my peace of mind through praying and relying on the Lord. Sometimes when problems occur, I don't seem to have solutions; but hope always remains because I believe the Lord will lead me forward. I no longer live in loneliness, anxiety, depression and impatience. There are still many unknowns in the future, but as the song says, "I know who holds tomorrow, and I know Who holds my hand." What need is there to worry?

2. He helps me overcome sins and be a free person

In the past I often found myself stuck in the hopeless and self-contradictory state Paul described: "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." I was enslaved by sin, especially by the sins in my mind that are hard to uncover. I was not able to set myself free and I was deeply troubled. Now that I believe in the Lord, whenever there are sins in my mind, such as selfishness, jealousy, pride, hate, disobedience, lack of forgiveness, criticizing others and so on, I remember the words of the Bible: "Everyone who sins is a slave to sin" (John. 8:34); "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" (John 8:36). I will pray attentively and appeal to the Lord to keep sins away from me, to cleanse me with the blood of Jesus, to free my spirit, to keep me from being enslaved to sin, to keep me from falling short of the glory of God, and to give me freedom. Whenever I pray like this, I won't be disturbed by sin and I will be truly set free. I realize that change for the good is inevitable as long as we truly and absolutely obey the guidance of the Holy Spirit. What will surely follow next will be joy and peace, the best reward to be had.

*****

The author came from Beijing, and is now working in the Stanford Medical Center in California.