Like many others who were educated in mainland China, I used to be a firm believer in atheism. When I first encountered terms like Jesus, God etc., I immediately labeled them as westernized superstition in the same way I labeled my mother's worship of Buddha as feudalistic superstition. I refused to know anything about Christianity, and in my stubborn heart I despised anybody who believed in God (largely due to public opinion). To me, these believers were either foolish or intellectually weak, or else they were merely blindly following the fashion of the west.

I denied the existence of God, but I sometimes wished that a supernatural force determine our fate. Such a supernatural force could well be the only pillar in our search of rewarding good and punishing evil. Besides, there was a famous saying in the Chinese culture that says "Planning comes from men; success comes from heaven". Naturally, all would like to see the fate-equivalent "heaven" to be on their side. For a long time, therefore, "Do what you can but submit to fate" constituted a large part of my world outlook.

As I grew up, "fate" seemed to have treated me fairly. Although various political movements continually impacted my family and society, my quest for knowledge was smooth sailing despite the unfavorable environment. I took the college entrance exam when I finished middle school and was enrolled in Zhongshan Medical School. It was not my own choice to study in a medical school; it was the choice of my parents. Nevertheless, once in it, I started to get interested in the field of medicine. When I graduated from medical school I chose to work in clinical surgery. Due to my interest in surgery, I continually turned down my parents' advice to study abroad.

If "fate" had not closed the door I could see, then I would not have seen a new way. As I was graduating from medical school, I participated in the school's job assignment. I thought my first preference would be granted and that was to work in the surgical department of the First Hospital of the medical school. The job assignment I received, however, greatly surprised me. I was sent to the Third Hospital of the Medical School, a young and poorly-equipped hospital close to a rural area. Even so, I accepted the assignment, as I believed I could still enroll in the Medical School's graduate program in a year or two and end up in a better hospital. At that time, taking the entrance exam for the graduate program required written approval from whoever one worked for, and for various reasons my manager in the hospital refused to sign for two years in a roll. When the door toward surgical graduate study was shut, I started to become interested in studying abroad. I now regretted my thoughtless refusal of my parents' advice.

In the process of applying to study in America, "fate" once again demonstrated the Lord's miraculous acts. When I was taking the GRE, I requested that my exam scores be forwarded to a few randomly-picked universities, as I knew very little about the American higher education system. One of the universities was B City College where one of my former classmates studied and received financial aid. After taking the GRE, I wrote letters to these universities and started to hear from them saying that foreign students were not qualified to apply for financial aid at their first academic school. B City College, however, never replied. Three months later, I was about to take the TOEFL and I was once again asked to pick a few universities to send exam scores to. As B City College didn't give me any negative reply, there still might be hope. So once again I had my TOEFL scores forwarded to B City College. In February 1987, I received a letter from B City College, stating that they had received my GRE scores and TOEFL scores, and asking why they had not received my application forms. The letter also mentioned that a previous letter stating that foreign students did not qualify for financial aid was not accurate. So I quickly asked for an application form from this school and sent it in. My application was accepted. As if to prove they really had sent me a letter early on stating that there would not be any financial aid, when I opened up the materials I received from B City College in April, the very first page was that letter. This letter miraculously disappeared for five months, which enabled me to continue to apply for this school and eventually get enrolled.

Thanks to this wonderful experience, I firmly believed that studying in B City was predestined. Therefore, despite a rule that college graduates were not allowed to study abroad until after five years of service after graduation and that I had graduated only four years before, I still sent in my application to study abroad, and my application was also miraculously approved. In spite of these various glitches, I finally arrived in America in September of 1987.

My Surgery Career Ends

Although at times I was somewhat grateful for the wonderful act of fate, I quickly attributed everything to luck and coincidence, and if anything, would credit it to my own endeavor. In the first five years in America, I rarely showed up in church except for attending my friend,s wedding. Between 1989 and 1992, a pious Christian became my roommate for three years, and a zealous Christian American lady worked in the same lab with me. Many times they had testified to me of their Savior Jesus Christ, but I remained indifferent and resistant. Nor was I willing to spend time to get to know the truth of the Bible. In retrospect, the main reason for my stubbornness was my own pride. Whatever Christians could achieve, I could too. They wanted to devote their life to the Lord, but I could do better by being my own master. Indeed, under the influence of America's mainstream media, I favored individual effort. I believed that I could build a beautiful future for myself by my own effort coupled with a bit of luck which so far had been in my favor.

God is indeed full of compassion. Those two friends of mine continually prayed for me, and God listened to their prayers. He also knew what the biggest obstacle was in my mind. He had His own timetable, and He had His own plan to transform me from pride to humility so as to receive His grace. During the five years in B City, fate seemed to continually favor me so that I was able to successfully complete my Ph.D. dissertation and pass the qualifying exams. After I graduated with a Ph.D., I quickly came to C City as I wished and began to work as a residence surgeon. At that time my self-confidence and my pride were at their peak.

Nevertheless, God showed me that the one who arranged fate was He, not anyone else. Before I started to work in the surgical department, my HBsAg and HBeAg tested positive in a routine medical checkup. Although this was the usual case in China, these test results basically meant the end of my surgery career here in America. Such a ruling was extremely shocking to me. For many years I had wished to be a surgeon, and I poured countless effort and sacrifices toward that goal. But now my wish came to a sudden end. I wept deep in my heart; I asked heaven, which was still unknown to me, why this had come about. Why was the door which had been constantly open to me shut so suddenly? I started to think, perhaps the luck I had so far trusted was not that dependable, or perhaps I could not control my fate with my own efforts after all.

When I became humble in heart, the Almighty God once again intervened. I attended a Bible study in a Chinese evangelical fellowship in C City. The gathering was very attractive to me, with its harmonious and pious atmosphere, the believers' determination to seek truth, and their helpfulness. Because I was now able to put away my own pride and no longer arbitrarily denied the existence of God, I started to see some of the unreasonable aspects of atheism and evolution which served as the basis for atheism. For example, in the organic world where only the fittest survive, why did the ape man whose evolutionary level (or survival ability) is second only to man, become extinct? Evolutionary theory claims that the emergence of life is due to stochastic combination. This theory can probably explain why some of the characteristics in life suitable for survival manage to survive, but it fails to explain why other characteristics not suitable for survival get eliminated. In our scientific research, however, we have discovered more and more facts to prove that all elements in an organism have their own function. Interestingly, whenever a new element in an organism is discovered, all scientists, including those who do not believe in God's creation, will immediately ask "What function does this element have?" What is even more inexplicable in evolutionary theory is the proof of apoptosis, commonly known as programmed cell death. In recent years many researchers have come up with proofs to show that among the genes of a multi-cell organism, there exist some genes that are specially designed to kill cells. The conveyance of these genes is very precisely regulated, and for different cells, the time of conveyance of these genes is also different. Such a system that requires perfect regulation could not possibly have become perfect by degrees through natural elimination as the evolutionary theorists have suggested, because any imperfection would cause the organism to immediately die and become extinct.

And so, having become skeptical about evolutionary theories, I began to research God's creation. Having read many historical findings about the Bible, I realized that all historical events in the Bible had foundations, and that most of the prophecies in the Bible had been fulfilled. Despite the many questions and doubts for which I did not have a good answer, the preciseness of truth, prophecies and historical facts in the Bible was more than enough to overshadow any of the anti-Bible theories. Being a person willing to accept logic and proof, I had no choice but to admit that the Bible was inspired by God and that Jesus Christ was the Son of God who came to take away the sins of the world. By reading the Bible, I also realized that everyone has undeniable sins. A Taiwanese author once wrote a book called The Ugly Chinese, in which he enumerated all kinds of ugly characteristics of the Chinese people including self-centeredness, greed and falsehood. I had thought that these characteristics only applied to the Chinese people. But now, through my own observation of American society, I discovered that these characteristics were common to all mankind, and their existence does not depend on political or economic systems. Previously, I had deemed myself as honest. But now, in front of a righteous and holy God I discovered countless impurities in myself. I clearly saw our sins uncovered in the Bible. These sins could not be overcome through a sinner's own efforts; God's power is the only solution to freeing sinners from sin. With this bit of faith therefore, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior and master of my life.

Internal Residence Doctor

At the time I accepted God's salvation, my career was going through a tremendous upheaval. As the future was still unclear, I was extremely eager to receive God's guidance. During this time I continually prayed daily. I also read a lot of books about prayer as well as other spiritual practices, through which I realized that effective prayer started from seeking God's will and obeying God's will. Through these continual prayers and communication with God, I discovered myself experiencing the wonderful work of the Holy Spirit. My life was changing. The once boring and difficult Bible became meaningful and interesting. When I read Luke Chapter 15 in which Jesus told the three parables of the lost sheep, lost coin and lost son, my heart was inexplicably touched. I shouted "Oh Father! Thank you for your love and for allowing this prodigal son to come back to you." Since then, the Master of the universe has also become my father. Being a father, He will certainly answer my prayers and prepare the best for us (Mt. 7:11). The loving God truly did respond to my prayers. My once disorderly life became meaningful and I learned to trust the promise of "The Lord is my shepherd and I shall not be in want" (Ps. 23:1). I received peace in God's love. Compared to the same time the previous year when I was full of hesitation and anxiety in looking for an internship hospital, this year I faced the same kind of choice, but now I enjoyed peace in the Lord Jesus, knowing God's promise would not come to nothing. I was very calm.

In fact my job application process wasn't smooth to start with. Until February of 1992, none of the interviews were really attractive. Then the Almighty God once again moved His wonderful hand. He caused a good friend of mine with whom I got acquainted in B City to accept a job offer unexpectedly from a company in North Carolina, and furthermore He made this friend suggest that I move to that state as well. So I decided to try the internal medicine department of Duke University, despite the fact that the job application period there was reaching an end. In a short while, I received an interview invitation from Duke University. Both on my way to Duke and during the interview, the Lord continued to show me His power. He told me, "My grace is sufficient for you." (2 Co. 12:9). And so my interview at Duke truly became a trip of faith. Finally when the interview results came in March, my faith was confirmed. I became an internal resident doctor in Duke University.

After accepting new life from the Lord Jesus, I looked back at the paths I had taken and felt that the Lord had indeed been caring for and guiding me throughout my life. I had not known Him because I lacked a humble heart. When my parents had me pick medicine as my major, when some of my friends who came to America earlier than me encouraged me to study abroad, and when the Lord of life was first introduced to me, I recall that I had despised them all. I had believed that they did not really know me and their suggestions were not suitable for me. Time after time, I was so stubborn that I refused all other possibilities in favor of my own puny reasoning. What were the consequences? When I finally impartially examined their rationales, I had to admit they were right.

The Lord loves us; He would like us all to know Him and to turn to Him. He has written His revelation in the universe which He created, and He also carved His revelation in our hearts. Raising our head to see the sky of stars or lowering our head to see the mystery of life under the microscope, we cannot help but to acknowledge the wisdom of the Creator. As the Bible says, "Since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities ˇK have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." (Rom. 1:19-20). Ever since our first ancestor sinned against God, human beings have departed from the Lord and rebelled against Him. The Lord, in order to save us, not only gave us His word but also gave us His beloved Son who died for our sins on the cross. Such is the greatest love in all the universe.

We constantly live surrounded by God's love, but we often do not feel it because feeling the Lord's wonderful grace through our "fate" requires a humble and observing heart. The book of Exodus records how God called on His servant Moses: "There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, "I will go over and see this strange sightˇXwhy the bush does not burn up." When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, "Moses! Moses!" (Ex. 3:2-4). When Moses saw an unusual phenomenon, he did not hurriedly reach any conclusion. Instead he stepped forward to see, and thus he received God's call. In the same way unusual events often occur in our daily life, but we either ignore them or simply attribute them to coincidence and we hurry on in our own way, unwilling to stop to examine these events. Thus we are not able to see the Lord even though we have many close encounters with the Lord's angel.

It is said that life is like a maze, and I agree. We inevitably step into the maze right after we are born. What we do throughout our life is to look for an exit out of the maze, also called the way toward the gate of heaven. But the crucial thing is not merely to see who stays in the maze longer (e.g. who makes greater achievement in the world), or to live a colorful life in the process of finding the way out (e.g. some believe life means self-indulgence). If you cannot find the exit, then all is in vain. There is only one exit out of the maze, and that is the Lord Jesus, who is God's Word become flesh. "I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved." (Jn. 10:9). On our way as we search for the exit, the Almighty God our Father continually guides us through various revelations, not so that we can search longer and boast about our own ability, but for the sake of letting us know that He is the only One who keeps the map of the maze. Therefore we rely on Him to help us find the exit of the maze, and that is God's salvation. The exit can only be found through knowing the Lord. As Jesus says, "I am the way and the truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (Jn. 14:6)

*****

Abridged from pg. 25-27, September 1993 issue of Overseas Campus Magazine.

The author came from Mainland China. He received a Ph.D. in pharmacology from New York State University in 1992 and he currently works at Duke University in North Carolina.