I used to be an ardent believer of Communism, and was very attached emotionally to the Communist Party. My mother died when I was very young and an honest Communist couple adopted me. They had four children of their own, yet they used to let me have the first pick of any good food and clothing. However due to poverty and illness, they passed away in their forties.

I was a good kid in school and studied very hard. I was educated under the "revolutionary ideologies", and read the works of Marx, Lenin and Mao thoroughly. I was an award-winning student. I also went to work in the countryside for three years to experience hardship. That experience strengthened my will-power and perseverance, and I was determined to be promoted as a "reliable successor of the proletariat revolutionary cause". Little did I realize that I would one day put my faith in Christianity! At that time, I thought religion was only for those who were feeble-minded or tired of life.

It all started in the year 1979 when Yan-Jie Li, a professor of moral education, came to my university to give a speech on Communism. He mentioned that one day he met a disreputable looking young man wearing a cross on a chain around his neck. Li approached him and asked if he understood what the cross stood for. The young man had no idea whatsoever.

Li briefly explained to him what Christianity is, recited the books of the Bible and finished with the Lord's prayer. He then challenged him in an authoritative tone, "Why not believe in the more scientific thought of Communism rather than wearing something you know nothing about?" The young man took off the cross immediately. At that point in Li's speech, I stood up and applauded for the professor.

A few days later a classmate from Shanghai secretly handed me a palm-sized book. When I opened it and saw the title "New Testament", my curiosity was aroused. However, to cover my eagerness, I mumbled, "Since none of us believe this stuff anyway, we can criticize it while we read." So on weekends, at night, five of my roommates and I took turns reading the New Testament.

We had lots of fun reading it. One roommate imitated Professor Yan-Jie Li reciting the Lord's Prayer, but he accidentally finished with "May your will be done in heaven, as well as it is on earth". We all broke into laughter.

To my surprise, however, the "critical reading" gradually captivated me. On one hand, I told my roommates, "How absurd to be slapped on the left cheek and then offer your right cheek to be slapped as well". On the other hand, I started thinking about some of the teachings. The Bible exhorts us to do good in secret because the Heavenly Father observes everything. Compared with this, I was ashamed to realize that my own "Revolutionary Diary" which had already been published, was very hypocritical.

In 1979 the Chinese Communist Party was making amends for the wrongs done during Mao's reign. I was startled by the huge number of citizens who had been framed. We were now realizing the devastation that was brought about by all the political movements that had been carried out under the pretext of "class struggle." The blame for this tragedy could not be placed on the "personal mistakes" of individual leaders, or the works of the Gang-of-Four. Rather, it was the result of Communist ideology. I started to doubt Mao's thought, and in the depth of my heart I heard a voice telling me to believe in Jesus Christ.

I felt very uneasy about such a voice. It was hard for me to give up my "scientific" belief in Communism. Having spent ten of my best years studying Communism, I would have been able to make a comfortable living by teaching it. Another obstacle was that I was still emotionally obligated to my Communist step-parents. Furthermore, I did not understand Jesus Christ at all; how could I carry the cross and follow Him?

Three years later when I graduated from university, my roommates and I still didn't believe in God. But for me the struggle was still going on. Out of my stubbornness, I thought that by reading the Bible I had supplemented my knowledge for doing "ideological work". However, some of the powerful words in the Bible had become carved in my heart.

Things went fairly well in my first job and I was promoted quickly. During that period I was able to spend more time thinking. The more I thought, the more restless I became, and the more restless I became, the more I thought. As a Communist Youth League leader, I spent a lot of time thinking and talking about beliefs. Many times the words of the Bible came to my mind, and in a marvelous way, God removed my mental blocks one by one.

One day the Communist Party secretary had a talk with me. He thought I was qualified in every way to become a Communist member. Since the Party was recruiting aggressively among college graduates, he felt I should jump at the opportunity to ensure a brighter future. I was moved by his concern and honesty, and decided to first give the Bible one last try. If I still could not understand it, I would become a "smart and good person" from the standpoint of the world, by joining the Party.

I had a good mind for reading, but for days while reading the Bible, I was stuck on one problem, "Why do Christians worship Jesus, the one who was afflicted and abused the most?" Mao would not have tolerated such abuse. In the past, a person could go to jail just for calling Mao "Old Mao". God should be greater than Mao, shouldn't He? So Jesus shouldn't have allowed the slightest disloyalty, not to mention insults and mistreatment. On the other hand, if Jesus were God and yet He was insulted, wouldn't His disciples, being mere men, have to suffer even more? I could not sleep well with such thoughts.

In the past, I was taught that "class struggle" is of primary importance in Marxism and Leninism. It was "preached every year, every month and every day" as instructed by Mao. I used to teach politics to high school students and farmers. Instead of merely parroting textbooks like others did, I would decorate the phrase "class struggle" with a string of adjectives. "It's a cut-throat struggle between two classes, two schools of thought, two courses. In a nutshell, it is a life and death struggle". I spoke with such eloquence that sometimes the audience responded with slogan shouting matches. What an atmosphere! My teacher praised my speeches as dynamic, lively and effective.

As I was thinking about this past experience, I suddenly understood. I opened the Bible and read John 3:16 with interest. I realized that God loves us and wants to give us eternal life, and that through Christ's "death" we could live. A god who could grant life must be a true God. This God was so full of love that I should worship Him. The concept of "Love thy enemy" suddenly became truth. This was really the most scientific religion--He delivered us from all evil, and guides us into a life that will have eternal value.

At that moment, I realized that Mao's obsession to persecute others was based on his "life and death struggle" philosophy. To him, friends and enemies alike were all on his death roll. Ironically, I still believed Mao's thought to be the most scientific, and found it hard to part with. I was like a person who spent his fortune buying a longevity medicine but got poison instead. At first the buyer did not realize it, but when he found out that he had been cheated, he became furious and hurt. He cried a little. What else could he do? He certainly could not swallow it. He could not return it either since the seller was a street bully with a knife in his hand. Afraid of being laughed at, he wondered how he could possibly cover up the shame. Could he even resell it against his conscience and make some money out of it? In the past I had thought I was so smart, but now I finally realized how stupid and vulnerable I was. I had almost become the person who sold the poison. I should throw away the potion far from me, and tell others not to touch it.

At that thought, I found myself soaked with cold sweat as though I had just awakened from a nightmare. Recalling the past twenty-five years, I was filled with mixed emotions. All my previous experiences had helped me know God, but now I decided to forget the past and make a new start in life.

I was reminded of a story in Victor Hugo's "Les Miserables". Jean Valjean was put behind bars several times for stealing bread and he suffered greatly in the jail. After serving his term, he was let out and lived on the street. One day he fainted and a poor clergyman took him home and fed him. When Valjean woke up, he stole his host's only silver candlestick. Not long after that, a few policemen caught him selling the candlestick and they brought him back to the clergyman. To Valjean's surprise, the clergymen said "My brother, why didn't you tell these gentlemen that I had given it to you as a gift?" Hearing that, the policemen apologized and freed Valjean. That night Valjean went to the woods. He dug a deep hole and buried the "gift". He then decided to turn over a new leaf.

It occurred to me that I should follow suit and become a new person with a new life. Although I still did not quite understand the words of God, there were no more obstacles to prevent me from accepting God. I recited the Lord's prayer and asked Him to accept me.

Several days later I met an older lady at a bus stop and we chatted like old friends. All of a sudden she asked me if I was a Christian. I was caught off guard and answered "Yes, I believe in Christianity". She lived near the foot of Fragrant Hill, not far from my home. I went to visit her and met a dozen Brothers and Sisters there and we praised the Lord together.

It appears that I am a self-taught Christian since I have met no missionaries nor have I been to a church. However, I feel that God has been directing me every moment of my life. He has been looking for lost ones like me and leading me into a kingdom of happiness. As the book of Romans describes it, God has clearly revealed himself to mankind and no one can have any excuse for not knowing of His existence. (Romans 1:20)

Soon afterwards, I also came across some amazing things that helped me understand salvation. One of them was a legend in my hometown.

One day the heavenly soldiers descended on earth and planned to terminate the whole population because they had sinned against God. A woman who was on the run with her children was stopped by a heavenly soldier who was about to kill her, (In Sichuan dialect, it is referred to as "having one's skull hacked"). The head soldier stopped him. He wanted to inform her of the charges against her lest she would feel she was being falsely accused. "You are carrying this six or seven year-old boy on your back while holding this two or three year-old girl by hand. I bet you are either favoring the boy, or mistreating this poor step-girl."

The woman replied: "The boy is the only survivor of my neighbor, and this girl is my own. She is more fortunate than this orphan boy. I'm compelled to favor the boy." Hearing this, the heavenly soldier was deeply moved and freed her. However, the woman refused to leave. Upon inquiry, she replied "What if I went back and met other soldiers who didn't know me? I would still be killed!" The head soldier then pulled out a handful of grass by the road and said, "Hang this on your door. When my soldiers see this, they'll know that there are good people living inside. They will pass your door without doing harm."

The woman hurried into a village and knocked on every door to inform people of this. Before long, all the doors in the village had a handful of grass hung upon it. The grass is now called Changpu and Aicao. Every year since then, at the Dragon-Boat Festival, you will see a handful of grass on each door in my hometown. People do so to keep illness and bad luck away as well as honoring the kind-hearted legendary woman. (Some even bathe in water boiled with the grass, hoping to cure skin ulcers.)

No wonder many people in my hometown have a strong conscience and treat their neighbors like their relatives. As an adopted son, I was never mistreated; I was considered to be a blessing from God to the kind-hearted people. No wonder my adopted parents starved themselves for my sake. That was indeed the manifestation of the love of Christ in which one person died to save another's life.

I firmly believe that God established His covenant not only with the Jewish people, but also with the Chinese. In the past, the Chinese worshipped "Heaven" (which in reality should have been Jehovah). But because of sin, people started worshipping idols and turned their backs on God. I want to follow the example of that legendary woman and tell my kinsmen (including the Communists) about the good news of salvation and the blessings from Christ's sacrifice. After all, we are all part of the human race which the Lord Jesus wants to save. I hope God's love will be revealed and His will carried out in my hometown. I hope that China will never again go through such sufferings. It is my prayer that God will allow me to testify to others and to glorify His name.

Hua Ming-Jian came from Beijing and is now studying in Pittsburgh University, Pennsylvania.