I am proud of being a Chinese from the Mainland, and I am joyful that I have become a child of the Lord. My past ideology is merely God's own arrangement and preparation.

I was born in the Big Leap Era in a revolutionary cadre's family which I was very proud of. Although I didn't have to go through any hardships in my childhood, my young heart was loaded with the image of a suffering China through all of the movies, books, and class educational exhibitions. I used to feel badly that I had no opportunity to become a revolutionary fighter. I felt worse that I was not among those little Red Army soldiers who went through the Long March. And worst of all that I was not a youth in the May 4^th Movement, who went to seek the truth and spread Marxism for the Chinese revolutionary cause.

Growing up with the Cultural Revolution, I was determined to become an heir of the Proletarian revolutionary cause. My bedroom was full of posters of The Red Women's Army. The main wall, with a picture of Chairman Mao hung in the center, became an altar for worship. The two side walls held two huge watercolor paintings named "The Party is the Sun and I am the Flower" and "Growing Up". These two paintings reflected upon each other and constantly prompted me to think, both in school and in family, of how to grow up, how to become a flower, and how to become an heir of the revolutionary cause.

After several years of living in the rural areas, society seemed to have changed and the opportunity of receiving higher education came to me. So I began to yearn for knowledge, respect science and ponder about human life. At that time I felt the impact of pathetic literature such as Waves, intellectual literature such as Difficult Times, and meditating literature such as Oh Humans, all of which brought echoes in my heart. I was traumatized and thoroughly confused. I began to feel lonely, bitter and disoriented as if I had just made a fool of myself. With bitter tears, I often pitied myself as well as those who did not respect experience nor scrutinize life. At that time I did not know God, but I truly hoped that somebody would emerge in my life who, with truthfulness and authority, would lead me in the path of life. But in this vast and changing world how could I find such a person. Then came a series of discussions about the significance of life in the Chinese Youth publication, initiated by a young man who used the pen-name Pan Xiao. His question "why does our path become narrower and narrower?" probably represented my entire generation. Like many others, I eagerly followed the development of the discussions, only to find it all ended with more hopelessness and disappointment.

Then I became interested in ancient figures: Qu Yuan's hopelessness, Li Bai's self-indulgence, Tao Yuan-ming's utopia and Zheng Ban-qiao's muddleheadedness, all of which became symbols of truthfulness and goodness in my heart. I immersed myself in literature. And in books I cried, I laughed, I meditated and I escaped. I asked myself if I was being overly sentimental, if I was building an unreal world and trying to escape reality. At that time, the only thing meaningful to me was reading and more reading, as I desired spiritual enrichment and had no interest in worldly matters.

Spiritual enrichment, however, remained spiritual. Vanity eventually caught up with me. Following the period of ignorance and blindness came the trap of educational degrees and social aspirations. I took the college entrance exam in 1977 and ended up in a communication major at a vocational school. Two years later I graduated without a college diploma and soon became a TV repair person in an ordinary department store. I didn't like that at all. College degrees and social status started to gain importance. I had to put forth my best efforts to fight for survival in a society where the capable became powerless and the incapable became powerful. Finally I took and passed the entrance exam for the theory class of the Special School (the School of the Communist Party). Right after I graduated from there, I was sent to the Theoretical Department in the Propaganda Division of the city government. Thus I was fortunate enough to step onto the speaker's platform for Marxist theory.

So I gained a diploma and social status; and more important, I gained recognition and respect. My ambitions did not stop there however. I was still in search of a way to eternity. I was told that we were supposed to scrutinize ourselves and choose to live a true life through one of three ways: red, black or yellow. The way of the red was to gain political power. I might be capable of doing this and had opportunities to do so, but I was not interested. The way of the black was to become a knowledgeable scholar covered with black robes, but college degrees were no longer attractive to me. The way of the yellow was the way of gold, but I didn't have any business acumen and probably wouldn't get anywhere with that either. Besides, whichever way I picked was merely a means of life as opposed to the goal of life. Alas, I could do no better than to sigh in total confusion and keep searching in the dark.

In November 1989 I came to America as a housewife and a student's spouse. Now new confusion and new crises almost drove me to despair due to language problems and the degrading of my social status. As a wife, a mother, a waitress, an assistant waitress, an observer, or a thinker, I had attempted to adopt the most positive viewpoint toward life. But I only found myself getting more puzzled. Not only did I feel alienated, insecure and unsuccessful, but from my relatives came scorn, contempt and persecution. What was constantly under attack was my mentality, integrity, grace and intellectuality. I started to devote myself to qigong. The exercise led me to experience the harmony between mankind and plants, and the harmony between mankind, heaven and earth. I was able to feel the joy from a cleansed heart, from self-intoxication, from transcendence and from mother nature. I found temporary relief and even thought I had found the secret and truth of life. But qigong did not really take my burdens away, nor was I able to get what I asked for from qigong.

Finally, God's Word guided me toward Jesus through the Chinese church and Bible study gatherings at Penn State University. Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." I started to know the Lord, believe in the Lord and rely on the Lord. "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life." Those powerful and authoritative words were implanted in my heart. Wasn't this the right way to life, the absolute truth and the eternal life that I had been struggling to obtain? Wasn't it true that our own self-assurance, man-made truth, lack of standard and lack of foundation was the direct cause for all the chaos in the world, society and family? All are sinners; all had too much love for themselves but not enough for others. Jesus said, "You don't know what is in your heart", nor how to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." At last I understood why human beings desire to worship but do not know whom to worship, why there are so many transgressions and aimlessness among them, why they were so cold-blooded and desperate, and why they were so anxious and disoriented. I was no longer wandering and depressed because I had found the way of life and the foundation of life. I was no longer anxious about my health, my living and my uncertain future because the invisible Almighty to whom the absolute truth belongs cleanses me from all sins; He supervises me, protects me, strengthens me, lightens my burden, and helps me restore a peaceful and joyful spirit. The Lord Jesus said, "Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear." "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns." "See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin." "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

Indeed, when I completely believed and completely consecrated myself, I finally got and am continuing to get what I asked for. Because of my new attitude toward life, those who do not know me well say I am a natural born optimist. Because of my peaceful and joyful temperament, those who still wander before God say that I have found favor in God's eyes. I used to have terrible backaches, for which I failed to find a cure from qigong. But now my backache is gone. I have but one mission: asking other people to receive this living water of life and the fruit of the Holy Spirit. I want to tell them that there is only one way toward eternity. Our disorientation and sufferings are caused by our lack of direction and lack of way out. We cannot afford to wander into a dead end or to get stuck in a maze or surrender to a dilemma. We need the way, the truth and the life, which everybody can obtain through the Lord Jesus Christ. We no longer live in regret, and we no longer appear as fools. In following the Lord, our own individual characteristics and talents can fully bloom, for whatever we have comes from God, who promises that "whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance." Everybody ought to come and experience this wonderful life, whose richness does not depend on our interest level much like literature and music do. Nor is this a religion that regulates one's temperament or provides an escape from the world. Instead, this is a way of rebirth and a way that relates to our own life. Regardless of one's age, sex, social status or educational background, the invitation today is: "knock, and the door will be opened to you."

*****

The author came from Yunnan Province and now lives on the east coast.