I was born in 1962 to a local political official's family. My father had served in the Red Army for many years. Because of his seniority and his outstanding contributions while serving in the Army, people highly respected him. I remember that I was a very popular baby. People would look for opportunities to take me out to play.

Soon afterwards, the Culture Revolution erupted. Since we lived in the countryside, the movement did not affect us much. Though there were waves of persecution, we were safe due to my parents' good personality and reputation. The four children of our family were always used as models by school teachers. I do not remember filling out a single application form to become a party member -- from elementary school's Little Red Army, to Jr. high school's Red Guards and high school's Communist Youth Party. I was naturally included in the Party. My schoolmates admired me and I enjoyed the prestige.

Later I passed the college entrance exam without any problem. As I grew older, I started to develop my own independent thinking. Gradually I realized my smooth sailing through life was not only because of my favorable family background, but because of my compliance with the expectations of society. With such a realization, I started to rebel. During my four years in college I did not participate in any political activities, but devoted all my spare time to literature and sports. Even so, my Party leader still tried several times to recruit me. However at this stage the application process was not as easy as it used to be. All applicants were required to fill out their own forms, write monthly ideology reports, and participate in various political seminars. I dragged my feet and by graduation time I was still not a Communist Party member.

One day the divisional secretary of the Party for my department told me that the department was considering offering me a job in school after graduation. But since I was not a party member, the nomination might be rejected. He suggested that I apply for membership right away before the nomination took place. I turned down his suggestion, but oddly enough, was still offered a job and even assigned as the group secretary of the Party in my department. Needless to say, everybody admired me. Right after I graduated, I married a famous young artist in China. At this point, people not only admired me, but envied me. I was adored by my parents and surrounded by my husband's love and care. I did not have to worry about anything because everything was done for me.

Soon after we were married, my husband was invited by an art gallery to hold an exhibition of his work in the United States where he later settled down. I started to lose my sense of security. Then before long, my father passed away. It was a severe blow to me. I began to ask, " Where did loving-kindness and caring go? Why is it that the things people desire most cannot be held on to forever?" Gradually I lost my composure and became more and more irritable.

Four years later, right before Christmas of 1990, I immigrated to the States to join my husband. Soon we found out that a huge gap had developed between us during our long separation. I had naively hoped he would understand my feelings and live the way I was used to. He, however, was hoping the same thing. Things just were not working out. In frustration, I decided to go back to school for some mental relief. There I came to know a Christian friend. She told me about Jesus Christ and led me to think about God, but I still did not really know who Jesus Christ was. I wanted to go to church to find out, yet when I told my husband about my desire, he said, "Believe in what god? I am your god. Believe in me and that's enough! "

To avoid conflict in our family over the issue of what to believe in, I started to keep my distance from this Christian friend. Even so, the problem between us worsened as the days went by. On August 21, 1991, we had a big fight. At the peak of my rage I stormed out of the house, thinking that my husband would not let his wife wander through the streets in the middle of the night. But I was wrong! Half an hour passed and there was still no sign of my husband. I was totally devastated. In my desperation I felt there was no more reason to live. Numbly I walked towards Lake Michigan ...

As I look back, I know now that God had been watching over me. Not only did He send someone to stop me that night, but He also sent many Christian friends to help me afterwards. With their help, I stood up and took courage to live again.

After my divorce, I took a class in Fundamental Christianity at our church. From the class, I started to come to know God, the Almighty Father who created the heavens and the earth. I finally truly understood that all have sinned and fallen short the glory of God. I started to face myself and repented of my sins. The Holy Spirit touched me and on Oct. 6, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. Now I know He loves me. Though friends and relatives will sometimes leave me, He will be with me forever.

In the following year I was baptized. I firmly believe that He sent his only begotten Son to die on the cross for our sins and that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. The Bible tells us, "To all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God." ( John 1:12 ) This indeed is a privilege that is worthy of highest esteem.

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The author is now working in a restaurant and preparing for further study.