My dear son J,

Just two months ago, we were so grateful to hear that you have found a new job and also transferred to Rutgers University to be a part time student. Isn't that the dream of an overseas student come true? Many students dream about having a steady income and being able to continue their studies. Yet in two short months, I have heard you complaining. You complain about your boss pushing his work on you, complain that he receives more salary than he deserves. Your complaints have replaced the thanksgiving you should have given to God.

Yet all these complaints sound so familiar to me. I have said to myself, "Didn't I say those same things over and over again in my life?" My endless desires and endless complaints have accompanied me for fifty years. Before I became a Christian, I was oppressed in China and my complaints were justifiable. But in 1983, I was baptized and had just finished my term as a visiting scholar overseas. Returning home, I should have had many things to testify of. I could have said that God was such a gracious God that he answered all my prayers. He gave me the title of Associate Professor, opportunities to publish my books, and my material possessions and fame were increasing daily. Did I thank God? No! For the runway of life is very much like a stage for a magic show. It is an endless, straight line. But just when you think you are about to reach your goal, it springs ahead and teases you in the distance. Furthermore, it looks so pretty and tempting from afar, yet upon approaching, you hear only the buzz of flies. No wonder we complain!

The worst of all is the reward. After all our hard work, we expect to enjoy the pride of success. The tighter we hold on to the so called "reward", the faster it melts through our fingers and not even one drop remains to quench our thirst.

When your father and I stood in this foreign land empty-handed, all the titles that I fought for and was proud of appeared to be so meaningless. I started to understand what was said in Ecclesiastes, "Meaningless, meaningless, utterly meaningless. Everything is meaningless ... I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind. " ( Eccl. 1: 2,14 )

I started to hold grudges against God. I questioned, "Where is the God who was once so close to me and gave me abundant grace?" Back in that small church in New York, I seemingly was able to touch Him. Why has He cast me aside? Why would He not give me more grace so that I could testify for Him? However, as I took a closer look at my relationship with God, I realized it was much like a business relation. I was exchanging my "testimonies" for God's grace. If I did not receive what I prayed for, then I complained and withdrew from Him.

I am glad God did not let me dwell in bitterness and indifference too long. One day in my devotions, God caused me to see the distinction between grace and trials. The difference only exists in our human thinking. From God's perspective, He has only one purpose, to mold us into a useful vessel -- a vessel filled with love that can glorify His name.

Remember little Auntie T? Last year she went through major surgery and her weight went down to eighty pounds. She was my mentor in the New York church. She loved God dearly and led many people to God. At that time, she worked at Columbia University and her husband worked in a company in New Jersey. Two of her children were in medical school and the youngest daughter was in high school. They were so happy and richly blessed.

Shortly after my return to China, her husband was diagnosed with gastric cancer in its last stages. They were told that Chinese medicine would provide better treatment. So both of them headed for Beijing. Two months later, she carried her husband's ashes home.

I could not comprehend why a loving God would lay such a heavy burden on her weak shoulders. But she had the answer. God carried her through all the trials and difficulties and helped her to know what kind of vessel he was molding her into. She is now working as a volunteer in a hospital in Taiwan. She comforts and shares the Gospel with the cancer patients and their relatives. Many people have been led to Christ through her. Two years ago, I saw her again. She was all alone by herself in Taiwan. Everyday she works among the moaning and groaning of the patients, but she looked younger than the last time I saw her. She thanked God for all the trials as well as the blessings, for they are all God's grace, molding her into a useful vessel.

Remember the bamboo's story in "Streams In The Desert"? A tall and beautiful bamboo was cut down by its master. He lopped off all the branches and leaves that the bamboo was so proud of. He also gouged out all the knots inside that formed the sections. From the perspective of the bamboo, its life was full of trials. Yet when the living water was able to flow through the emptied sections to irrigate the fields, abundant results were produced.

We human beings are so greedy and blind. Sometimes we cannot even recognize obvious blessings set before our eyes, let alone see through the not-so-obvious spiritual blessings in our trials I have come to realize the vanity of life after journeying for fifty years. At times though, I am still reluctant to change my course and get back on His path, for it requires forsaking myself and living for God alone. I am just not used to it.

Lately however, I have noticed some young Christians in our church who were baptized only a year or even just half a year ago. They earnestly seek to equip themselves to serve God. I was deeply convicted. Having been a Christian for eleven years, I realize how much I have fallen short of and been indebted to God.

I have decided to change my course and run for God alone. When I ran on my own course, I was running in an endless straight path. When I run for Him, I run in a circle centering around Him. Jesus admonished us, "So the last will be first and the first will be last." ( Matt 20: 16 ) I have wasted most of my life. How I long for you and your brother to learn from my failure and devote your best time and energy to serve and worship God.

Let me conclude with Paul's words for our encouragement, "Forgetting what is behind and straining for what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ( Philippians 3:13 )

*****

The author came from Shanghai. She was formerly a professor of Chinese Literature and is now a visiting professor at Princeton University.