This is Part II of my "Questions to Heaven". Part I was written in memorial of my teacher, Dr. Martin, and was published in the seventh issue of Overseas Campus Magazine.  The article brought reactions from many readers who echoed their own sufferings during the Cultural Revolution (1966-1976). I am not worthy of writing about or attempting to provide a solution to the mystery of suffering, for I too have questions. I questioned God when I witnessed a faithful servant of His, Dr. Milton Wan, and his family go through all kinds of illnesses and troubles in the past decade. I asked God, "Why?" 

Dr. Wan was born in Hong Kong. People like myself who came from Mainland China, easily jump to the conclusion that people from Hong Kong or Taiwan are a lucky bunch who do not really know what suffering is. As I finished my junior high years, millions of us, the young "elites", were sent into the countryside to "do great things for the vast motherland". At that same time, Dr. Wan finished high school, completed his college education, and received a Masters degree in quantum physics. Then he went to England to study and received a Th.D. from Oxford University. Later, while working in Hong Kong, he continued to study at the Chinese University and received a Ph.D. in Chinese Philosophy. Thus he is learned in the fields of science, religion and philosophy. Few of us from Mainland China can make the same claim. Dr. Wan is a professor at the Ontario Theological Seminary in Canada. Seeing what he has gone through, I would not dare trade places with him even at the point of my worst suffering.

It was September 1985. Dr. Wan and his wife were in the hospital discussing their plans after she would be dischagrd. His wife had been admitted to the hospital for a check up when the whole family had just moved back from England and settled down in Hong Kong for a year. She was thinking about taking some vocal lessons, while he planned to take more Chinese philosophy courses as a further preparation for preaching the Gospel to Chinese scholars. Her doctor came in the middle of their discussion and announced, "Mrs. Wan, you are in the last stages of cancer. We need to operate immediately. "It happened so quickly that they did not know how to react." Dr. Wan watched his wife being pushed into the operating room. His mind went blank as he gazed at the raindrops pattering on the window, "What do I do now? What do I do now? . . ." This was his beloved wife who had passed to him the vision of preaching the Gospel to his fellow countrymen in China. Together they had learned Mandarin phonics and the simplified Chinese characters. Also, there were the two little girls at home who needed the care of their mother. Especially the youngest one, Shiaohua, who was mentally retarded. They had tried many doctors, but the diagnosis was always the same: Shiaohua would never be able to live a normal life. She would have to be taken care of for the rest of her life. She would not be able to attend regular schools. Often she had seizures and screamed because of her pain. If not watched constantly, she would easily be scalded by boiling water or might open a window thinking it was a door! Many times when Dr. Wan came home from work, he fouond his wife in tears. Now all of a sudden, all the pressures and burdens fell on his own shoulders. That night as he was making his usual preparations for the next day's lectures, suddenly everything seemed so absurd! All the things he had studied and all the rational analysis that he had learned were of no use in the present situation. "What is the purpose of teaching? What do we work for? What is the meaning of life?" he thought to himself.

This was only the beginning of a series of nightmares. After the surgery there was long and painful radiation treatment. Mrs. Wan also contracted hepatitis. The whole family was sick at the same time. One was in the hospital and the other three lying in bed at home. In the middle of the night Dr. Wan was often wakened by his daughters' crying. The younger daughter's screaming had awakened the older daughter, who also started crying. Dr. Wan tried to comfort the older one while holding the younger one, who was running a fever. He felt desperate and helpless. 

Then unexpectedly, Dr. Wan's beloved father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. In a short period of time he lost most of his normal body functions and could no longer recognize his family members. This was another severe blow to Dr.Wan because he was so close to his father.  Finally after much effort, Dr.Wan and his mother found a nursing home for his father. At the same time, there was a recurrence of his wife's cancer which had now spread to her bones.

Then one day, early in the morning, Dr. Wan was awakened by a call from the hospital. His father had fallen from the staircase and was unconscious. He rushed to the emergency room, but three hours later his father passed away without speaking a word.  That was 1987. 

1987 was one of the worst years in Dr. Wan's life. Starting in July, he took leave-without-pay to take care of his wife and daughters full-time. Everyday he spent twelve to thirteen hours in the hospital. He tried to pour all his love into his wife. He blamed himself for not having devoted more time to his family. He accused himself of causing his wife's cancer by not sharing more of the burden of taking care of Shiaohua. He even regretted that he had gone to study in England. He suspected that his daughter's poor health had been caused by the rusty water pipes in England. He tried his best to make it up to his wife and children, but it was too late! "Oh Lord, if You would give me another chance! If I could start over! Even if I have been so bad, it is too severe a punishment that my wife and my children should suffer so much!"

"Have you ever had any doubt about or been angry with God?" I asked Dr. Wan as I looked upon his gentle smile. "Of course. Otherwise, I would not be a human!" he said.

One Saturday morning the younger daughter was restless and tore up her sister's homework. A terrible fight broke out. In anger his eight-year-old asked him, "Daddy, where is Mommy? I want Mommy! Why did Mommy get sick? Why do I have this kind of a sister? When will Mommy come home? When can we go to the beach again?" Tears ran down his cheeks. He did not know what to say. He was at the verge of a total breakdown, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Hurriedly he placed his two screaming daughters in the care of a friend and prepared to go out. His friend was very concerned and reminded him not to do anything foolish. Dr. Wan replied, "No, I will not commit suicide." 

Aimlessly wandering down the streets, Dr. Wan burned with anger against God. "Where are you, God? Why are you so cruel in keeping silent? Where is your Almighty power? Where is your righteousness? Where is your love? Are you making a joke out of our lives? How are you glorified when we suffer like this?" A cold feeling rose from the bottom of his heart. "Maybe I should quit teaching in the seminary?" He had been offered a teaching position in Philosophy in another university at three times the salary. But it was not just a question of changing his career. It was the matter of whether he would continue to believe in God. Dr. Wan’s faith was now facing the most crucial test.

What is faith? Faith is not a snack after a meal. It is not moral rhetoric. Neither is it decoration for our daily life, nor is it something to fill our emptiness. Faith is the very core of life. It is the power that sustains life. In the darkest struggles of life, is faith still strong enough to sustain our living? Can faith withstand the onslaught of life's crises?

Sitting in a small, almost empty restaurant, Dr. Wan reflected on his past walk with God. Words he jotted down brought back memories that were almost forgotten. He had received thorough training in the fields of psychology and philosophy, and knew very well that there was nothing in psychology or of philosophy that could deny the reality of God. They could not invalidate any of his past experiences with God. All the love and guidance that the Lord had shown him in the past ten, fifteen years were real and not illusory. His experiences could not be wiped out by momentary doubt. Psalm 77 echoed loudly in his heart: "I remembered my songs in the night. My heart mused and my spirit inquired. ‘Will the Lord reject forever? Will He never show his favor again? Has His unfailing love vanished forever? Has His promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has He in anger withheld his compassion?' Then I thought, 'To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High. I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds. Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.’" (Ps. 77: 6-14)

Dr. Wan wept. Only by ignoring the history of the past decade of his life could he possibly deny God's love and his truthfulness. 

Dr. Wan reaffirmed the foundation of his faith. He began to have new insights regarding salvation -- the greatest thing in history that God ever accomplished for human beings. Two thousand years ago God, out of His love for His people, decided to live among finite beings. He took up human form and was born the son of a carpenter. In the end he shouldered all of mankind's sins and was crucified on the cross. In the ultimate suffering of Jesus, He showed us that He is the God who suffers with those who suffer. Man is unable to give a satisfactory explanation of suffering and death. Christian doctrine does not purposefully beautify suffering to make it bearable. The meaning of suffering cannot be found in the theological discussions of Christian doctrines, but rather in the suffering and crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Even in our deepest suffering we can meet this suffering Christ who died for us.

The question is: How do genuine past experiences support us in our present pain? God, who has been so loving and real in the past, seems so strangely quiet in the present. No matter how hard Dr. Wan prayed and sought God's face, he still could not feel His presence. God became such a stranger to him. Does God still perform miracles today?  

There was a lonely old lady in the same cancer ward as Mrs. Wan. She pleaded with Dr. Wan to pray for her because the doctors had given up hope for her. Dr. Wan reluctantly agreed, and laid his hand upon her in prayer. But deep in his heart he did not believe God would answer this prayer, because he had prayed over a hundred times in similar fashion for his wife. To everybody's surprise, especially the doctors, a miracle indeed happened. The old lady was healed and discharged from the hospital. She was very grateful to God and to Dr. Wan.

Then Dr. Wan became furious at God. "What's the matter with you, God? Doesn't my wife have a million more reasons to live? She is still young and has me and two little children who cannot survive without her. Why are you willing to heal that old lady but not her? Why do you let her suffer so much? Answer me, God!" He was so enraged that he totally lost his usual gentle manner. He could not comprehend God's intention in this incident, but he realized one thing: God is still able to perform miracles today. He waited upon the Lord, and the Lord was waiting for him. The God that Dr. Wan used to know now made him stand in awe. He needed to know God from a new perspective. Anger was his true emotion and he did not attempt to conceal it. He was not afraid to let God know his true feelings. To admit one's anger is an act of faith: "I do not understand You, but I care. I cannot ignore the God who loved me and died on the cross for me." His questioning was not to condemn God, but to express his willingness to learn anew. He believed in God, he loved God, and that was the only hope he had left after the ravages of suffering. He waited for the Lord to refute his ignorance.  

"Wait upon the Lord?" Suddenly, it dawned on him that if one could feel the presence of the Lord at all times, then there would be no need to wait on the Lord. This "waiting upon the Lord" was experienced by numerous saints in the past and they called it "the dark night of the soul". The Bible and the experience of past saints showed him the faith that he now held was a faith that had been tested. From this tested faith would come courage to face the challenges of life. God's silence is not cruel. When a little chick is about to hatch from the egg, the mother hen stands aside. The little chick tries very hard to break through the shell and it cannot feel the presence of the mother hen. The little chick must struggle through in order to survive. Once it comes through, it will once again experience warmth and protection under its mother's wings, but it will be a deeper and closer relationship.

God has His hidden reasons for keeping silent. Dr. Wan trusted that he could grow, that he could receive strength and courage that he did not possess before and thus deepen his faith. He waited for God because God was waiting for him. It was time for Dr. Wan to gain a new understanding of God and of Christ who died on the cross; time to know the ultimate meaning of human suffering. In his deepest suffering, he met the living God! From the depths of his being, faith brought forth the strongest possible message: God still lives! God is still able! God still loves! 

As Dr. Wan calmed down, he realized an often overlooked fact: Satan attacks through spiritual warfare. It dawned on him that the old serpent has always tried to deceive people and lay the blame on God. Satan's repeated attacks were intended to force Dr. Wan to give up his faith in God. As Dr. Wan realized that his faith was such a lethal threat to Satan, his real enemy, a strong sense of mission brought determination and courage to fight. He would never surrender to Satan! He rose and left that little restaurant. That courage has sustained him to this day.

One morning in September 1987, the phone rang. Five minutes before Dr. Wan arrived at the hospital, his wife gave up her struggle. From then on, Dr. Wan shouldered all the responsibilities of a single parent. In addition to taking care of his children, teaching full time, writing and preaching, he managed to finish his second doctoral degree. He did not think of himself as a tough person. He would feel lonely and sometimes cry in the middle of the night when he thought of his father and his wife. Yet he firmly believed that our lives are interwoven with joy and sadness, and that all the sufferings will pass. No matter how bad the present situation is, God still lives; God is still able; God still loves!

Two years later he remarried. His second wife, a great young lady, gave up her right to bear her own baby so that she could devote all her love to caring of their two children, especially the younger one, Shiaohua. 

On what grounds can man blame God for his suffering? Dr.Wan's testimony had a great impact on me and gave me opportunity to reflect upon my own life.  It seems that those of us who come from mainland China are prone to compare our sufferings. We compare what we and others went through during the Cultural Revolution, and either secretly congratulate ourselves, or feel bitter for being less fortunate than others. We despise those who had an easier life. We say, "You people from Hong Kong and Taiwan, what do you know about suffering?" Yes, they did not experience the Cultural Revolution, but that is not to say that they do not have their share of suffering. We focus so much on our own pain that we can never lend an ear to those who are crying. We figure we are more righteous because of what we have suffered. 

I do not think what Dr. Wan has suffered is any easier to bear than what we went through in the Cultural Revolution. One thing that made me feel ashamed is that Dr. Wan's pain and suffering enlarged his heart and caused him to have more depth and more willingness to help those who suffer. On the other hand, the sufferings of the Cultural Revolution have caused us to distrust each other, to become narrower, and to shift all blame onto others. It has distorted our being. Everyone regards each other with a suspicious eye. If I fail to achieve something, I will make sure you have a tough time getting it also!

What kind of mentality is this? If we continue to dwell on our self-pity or trash our painful experiences along with the old value systems, blindly pursuing the current fads again, we are in essence avoiding the reality of suffering. In that case, I fear our sufferings in our national calamity will have been in vain. 

When I first came to Ontario Seminary to study, I heard others referring to Dr. Wan as the "Job of this generation" (Job is known in the Bible for being the most righteous man, loved by God. He went through great suffering and did not lose his faith in God) It tears at my heart to think about what Dr. Wan’s family has gone through.

For example, Shiaohua's health continued to deteriorate. She was very unpredictable. Sometimes she would be smiling and listening to stories. Then all of a sudden, she would jump up and slap people in the face. Mom and Dad often had swollen faces as a result. One day in the middle of a music lesson, she exploded again and struck a classmate over the head with a musical instrument. The classmate was sent to the hospital. Often, her screaming in the middle of the night gave Dr. Wan and his wife little time to sleep.

Finally the doctors told them it was no longer appropriate for her to live with normal people and recommended they send her to some special facility for treatment. Because of her severe retardation, the Canadian government refused to grant her immigration status. So in the summer of 1994, Dr.Wan and his wife flew her to England where Shiaohua had been born, as her visa in Canada would expire at the end of that year. On the plane she made a big scene and upset the serving cart. Passengers complained and her parents had to apologize profusely to everyone. The whole student body was praying for them, but who could foresee that a new series of nightmares was waiting to unfold? 

The British government reneged on their promise and refused to pay Shiaohua's expensive medical bills. Not only did they try to send her back to Canada; they even suspected the Wans of bribing some officials, and accused her step-mother of abandoning her step-daughter! On several occasions policemen came and searched their residence trying to locate "the hiding step- mother". The huge hospital bill was mounting and they needed to hire a lawyer to settle the matter.

All of a sudden, they were facing humiliation and even the danger of being thrown into jail! At that time Dr. Wan was preaching in northern Europe as scheduled. Daily after his sermons, the husband and wife would cry over the phone. They racked up several hundred pounds of phone bills.

Finally they ended up bringing her back to Canada. If the Canadian government were still to refuse her an immigration visa, she would have no place to go in this whole wide world. All this just because she was born retarded! 

The Wan family's tragedy troubled me deeply. I cried. I prayed. I yelled at the Lord, "Do something, do something please, even if it means you take away his life! I just cannot witness his torture anymore!"

In my trouble, I studied the book of Job over and over again. I found out that God indeed wants us to question Him when we are in trouble. However, He may not necessarily answer us in the way that we want. In Job's case, God did not answer Job's questions directly. He did not even speak on the issue of suffering.  Instead He reiterated the magnificence of His creation.

It finally dawned on me that suffering is neither the beginning nor will it be the end of the universe. Before Creation, God had already prepared the plan of salvation. If one can put creation and salvation together, one will avoid being self-centered. He will not blow suffering out of proportion and think that God exists only to help man to escape from suffering. No! Man has never been the center of this universe. In the beginning, God's creation was good and perfect. In the end, everything will still be good and perfect. God's intent is for man to take part in His work, including suffering for man -- the cross.

This is the unfathomable wisdom of God and the greatest revelation to man. Wherever there is suffering, there is Christ also. When we cry in our suffering, we must remember that our God has shed his blood for us on the cross!

Shiaohua was finally admitted into a mental hospital in Canada. We are still praying for her immigration visa. I remember a verse that Dr.Wan gave me when I was very down: "what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel." (Philippians 1:12) Paul, because of his imprisonment, became an encouragement for those around him to preach the gospel. Dr. Wan said that Paul was the model for his life. 

As I prayed for Dr. Wan, I found that my faith had not collapsed. Instead it was strengthened by Dr. Wan's faith in the Lord. As I earnestly prayed for the Wan family, I totally forgot to ask anything for myself. Little did I know that once I cast aside my self-centeredness, I would be able to see Christ clearly.

The human race is a connected entity, and in these past few thousand years man has been weaving a huge blanket of sufferings. Together we are all tightly wrapped up in this huge blanket of sufferings and we do not need to mention the universal problems of illness, aging and death.  We live as a Body. When part of the Body hurts, the whole Body hurts. Each individual has a responsibility to use love for the whole Body to alleviate the sufferings that have come from our common sins. Through His suffering on the cross, God has sounded the call for man to be united with God! 

As I was thinking about how to put this article on paper, I heard a song, "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" on the radio. This was Dr. Martin's favorite song and it was played at his funeral service. I like the lyrics very much. They are:

When you're weary, feeling small, when tears are in your eyes, I'll dry them all; I'm on your side. When times get rough, and friends just can't be found. Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down, like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.

Indeed, Christ has descended from heaven and laid Himself down on the cross as a bridge over troubled waters for us, a bridge that will hold throughout eternity! 

*****

Ms. Guo came from Shanghai and has a Ph.D in Material Science. She is now preparing to pursue theological education.