I Had No Need of Religion  

I had never thought about becoming a Christian when I was in China. As a professor teaching and researching philosophies for many years, I considered myself clear about the meaning and value of life. I adopted the following Chinese saying as my motto in life: 'The meaning of life is to establish good morals, to pronounce words of wisdom and to accomplish good merit.' I was very busy and occupied. There was no emptiness in me that needed to be filled by any religion, let alone Christianity! I regarded it a waste of time to contemplate the abstract idea of God. Besides, I did not like the idea of being hemmed in by religious doctrines and regulations. Only once, out of curiosity, I visited a shabby little church in 1979 while I was still in college. 

During my years of teaching Marxism and modern western philosophies, I was of course, more or less exposed to Christianity. I appreciated some of Jesus' teachings concerning morals. To me, his teaching, like the teaching of Confucius, was among the greatest philosophies in human history. Sometimes I even quoted his words in the same way that I quoted Confucius, Sakyamuni Buddha, or Mohammed, in my class for Communist leaders. I was showing off how learned and courageous I was. I tried many times to read through the New Testament from cover to cover. Invariably I failed, because I could not believe the miracles recorded there. I regarded them as ridiculous superstition, believed only by primitive or non-educated tribal peoples who did not know science at all.

My Hurting Patriotic Ego

In the fall of 1991, I came to the United States. The whole environment would not allow me to avoid the issue of religion any longer. I met many people who believed in God. Among them, many had masters degrees and many were doctors and professors of the natural sciences. Not only were they serious in their belief, but they earnestly preached to me. "Is there a God?" "Is the resurrection of Jesus Christ a historical truth?" Questions like these started to bother me. 

But the influence of my cultural background pushed me to reject Christianity. I did not want to become a Christian. Why? Because Christianity was a "foreign" religion, and anything with a western origin was regarded as obtrusive and exclusive. 

I had been indoctrinated by the government: "The Imperialists knocked open China's door with guns and boats. Then the missionaries followed, preaching the Gospel. The privilege of preaching the Gospel was guaranteed and written in black and white on the ‘Unequal Treaties’ that China made with western countries. The missionaries were at the forefront of imperialistic invasion. They were carrying out a cultural invasion under the protection of powerful western aggressors." I had wholly accepted these official "scientific historical conclusions" because of my hurting patriotic ego. It never crossed my mind that these conclusions might not truly be scientific. How could the Gospel be connected with guns? How could killing and loving be related? My reasoning surrendered to my feelings when these questions arose and were scrutinized by my hurting patriotic ego. I just could not be objective when the humiliation of China in the recent hundred years was so fresh on my mind. 

Since the May Fourth Movement started, "westernized Chinese culture" had become the dominant ideology. By 1949, the propaganda of "follow the Russians" and "cut off the cord with tradition completely" was in fashion. Later, in the economical reformation movement, people started to "embrace the blue civilization". I was very concerned about all of this. I recognized that China could not refuse the western civilization which was backed up by modern technology, and neither could China reject the western culture which was under the banners of democracy and liberty. But the Chinese could choose to reject Christianity.  The problem was: Christianity is one of the major roots of western civilization. How could we embrace western culture and not Christianity? 

The Decline of Western Culture

 In the United States of America, I have witnessed the decline of the western culture. Observing all the social problems, such as drug abuse, the easy access to guns and firearms, racial conflicts, the disintegration of the family unit, the pervasiveness of pornography, and violence in the mass media, I could hardly believe that this was a country claiming to believe in Christianity. I said to myself, if American culture is truly a Christian culture, then all these ugly phenomena must be part of Christianity. If faith in Christianity could not save America, how could it save China?

On top of this, I found American Christians to be very exclusive. They seemed to regard what they believed as the absolute truth and were eager to attack whatever was different from their belief. Seldom did I see them 'walk their talk'. On the other hand, I was disappointed also with Chinese Christians whom I met. In most of the discussions we had, they talked about Jesus, Adam, Abraham, Moses, David, and Paul. Very seldom would they mention Confucius or famous Chinese kings and philosophers in history. Even if they were mentioned, it was more criticism than appreciation. I doubted if they ever had any training in Chinese literature, though they might have read the Bible from cover to cover several times. I wondered, "When a Chinese becomes a Christian, does his thinking and behavior also change into western molds? 

Fortunately, in the States I had the freedom to read many religious books which were banned in China. These books not only increased my knowledge but also changed my impression of western missionaries. As I read the autobiography of English missionary, Hudson Taylor, I was greatly touched by his noble character, his genuine faith, and most of all, his sincere and sacrificial love for the Chinese. 

During the Boxer Rebellion in 1900, fifty-nine missionaries from the China Inland Mission (which was founded by Mr. Taylor) were martyred, and twenty-one children were killed. They suffered a total loss of their property and personal belongings, but no one complained. No one could find any letters or writings from the victims, their families, or their friends which contained thoughts of bitterness, revenge, or desire for compensation. Mr. Taylor insisted on not asking for any compensation, even though the Chinese government was willing to offer it, if asked. I was so touched that I could comprehend what he meant when he said, "Should I have a thousand pounds, China can claim them all; should I have a thousand lives, I would not spare one but give them all to China." Not only did he lay down his life for China, he also laid his beloved wife and children on the altar for China. 

 Thus my foolish mind was illuminated by Hudson Taylor's immortal spirit. I bowed my arrogant head and recognized the other side of historical fact: that athough many missionaries came to China with their own sense of superiority and might have done wrong, there were indeed many missionaries who, like Hudson Taylor, out of their love of God, truly loved China. Maybe the way they evangelized was of western style, but the book they carried in their hands was the most precious book of God, the Bible. They were not our enemies; they were our friends. They were not the tools of the imperialist invaders; they were the servants of God. 

I have to confess that although I am Chinese, I have not loved China as much as Hudson Taylor did, and I would not lay down my life for her. I did not have the kind of faith that Hudson Taylor had that would be willing to forsake everything even for my own country. 

I still could not answer why the missionaries would come to China along with those cannons. The reality is that the big guns and boats indeed knocked open China's door and woke her up from a thousand years of self-complacency. She was forced to learn from the west, and to take her first steps in building modern technology. On the other hand, I also saw the suppressed historical fact that indeed, the missionaries had liberated the Chinese from several rituals. For instance, Chinese girls were set free from binding their feet due to the efforts of western missionaries; the Bible was translated into vernacular Chinese, which assisted the reformation of Chinese classical language into vernacular Chinese.

My Conclusion 

I started to re-examine the myth of regarding Christianity as a "foreign religion" among the Chinese. The word "foreign" carries with it a negative connotation. Why did we single out Christianity as "foreign", while Islam, which originated from the Middle East, was not? How about Buddhism from India, which has almost been regarded as a native religion by the Chinese? Why did the emperor of the Tang Dynasty send monks to India to retrieve the Buddhist Sutra instead of rejecting it as "foreign"? Then, it dawned on me that China was strong and powerful at that time. She had the ability to take up the challenge of new thoughts and values. She absorbed their strength, melted the new into the old, and produced a richer culture. However, in the last hundred years, China has been badly defeated by foreign powers over and over again. Her national image has been repeatedly devastated and her people have been greatly hurt. Christianity came at this moment of Chinese humiliation and bitterness. It is understandable why Chinese would reject all these "foreign" things (except for material goods).  

After being set free from the historical myths I once believed, I was able to reconsider the exclusiveness of Christianity. From my understanding, other religions such as Buddhism and Islam are exclusive in their doctrines also. I concluded that the exclusivity is an absolute for any truth. If I believe that there is only one God, then I must accept no other but him. Gradually, I came to understand that God transcends all cultures. Though Christianity originated in the Middle East, it encompassed Hebrew, Greek, Roman and European cultures. God is the God of all mankind. He does not belong to any single culture. Christianity will thrive in any culture, whether it is eastern or western. People, regardless of the color of their skin -- white, black or yellow -- are given the privilege of worshipping Him in spirit.  

That night, when I cried out from the bottom of my heart, "My dear Heavenly Father!", my eyes caught a glimpse of the kingdom of God. His kingdom is now in my heart.

I, the prodigal son, have been found by Jesus! 

*****

Mr.Fan was formerly a teacher of Marxism in China. He is currently preparing to study in a theological seminary.