My life was very smooth before I came to know the Lord. I had no problem passing my college entrance examination in China. Without much difficulty, I came to the States for graduate studies, found a job, and settled down. All of these goals were achieved in the best possible way. However, as I passed all these landmarks, I had a sense of emptiness that was beyond description. For some reason I always questioned the meaning of life. I kept asking myself, "Is this all that life is about?" Deep within, there was an unknown power pushing me to search for something beyond my material possessions. It seemed as if I would not be complete unless I laid hold of it. 

As I set up another goal and devoted myself to achieve it, I would be relieved temporarily from that feeling of emptiness. However, as soon as the goal was reached, after a brief exhilarating moment, the sense of emptiness would creep right back. When I was in love, I thought my love would make me complete. But of course I was wrong.  

I loved to read. Though my field was engineering, I read books in many different subjects. I found reading and reasoning would lead me into a state of high concentration and active thinking. I thought that perhaps this would lead me to a meaningful life. After many years of reading, I knew something about almost every subject in the realm of knowledge. My curiosity was satisfied, but my emptiness was not.

I also loved European classical music. Every great composer would bring me to a different wonderful realm that transcended my daily reality. Nevertheless, these special states of mind were impossible to be maintained in one’s daily life. When the music stopped, the world remained the same, even maybe more pale. 

Something Called Ideals  

When I was young, through the education I received there existed something called "ideal" which was able to give meaning to life. Though my young and tender heart could not comprehend the content of "ideal", the noble thought and satisfying feeling that came with it was easily experienced. After I grew up, my reason refused to identify with that childhood ideal. Yet strangely, sometimes when I listened to that childhood music, the music would stir up an indescribable longing deep in my heart. I also knew that no matter how badly one needed faith because of one’s emotional need, a hastily accepted substitute for genuine faith would not satisfy for long. 

Although still in my twenties, I already felt disillusioned with life. I had done all I could, but the whimsical blessed life still seemed as distant as when I first started. If life is analogous to a war, I had won almost all the battles, but I felt step by step, I was losing the war. Gradually I became lethargic and life grew more and more dull. Sometimes I felt that suicide might not be a bad choice.  

It Just Didn’t Fit!  

In the past, out of curiosity I had attended church. Though I was somewhat touched by the atmosphere of some churches, over all they just did not fit my needs. Pastor's sermons sounded neither spiritual nor logical to me. I just could not figure out how an abstract concept like "Jesus is the Son of God" could solve my real problems. My knowledge in philosophy made me very critical towards Christianity. I regarded it as obsolete and a barrier for progress in human development. 

 Then one of my good friend became a Christian. When she noticed that I was down-hearted, she started to share the Christian faith with me. At that time I could find a million reasons to refute what she said. Two years later after I accepted the Lord and was baptized into Him, I found out that she had been praying for me all along. Though at the time I did not know she was praying for me, yet within a few months’ time a series of incidents happened that made me wonder whether there was something in Christianity that I did not know about.  

At that time I purchased some CD’s by Bach. In the beginning I only felt that his music was very beautiful and melodious. Later I started to sense from the music some indescribable human experience that I never had. Seemingly I had come into contact with a gigantic fountain of life that was beyond me. The water was sweet and when it flowed over my heart I felt loved and comforted. This kind of love was different from all other love in the world. It was unconditional, absolutely trust-worthy and willing to accept me and my whole being. When this love flowed into me with the music, I felt a bright and holy power lifting me up to a glorious and perfect existence. That was a kind of existence that I never knew before. At that moment I could not help but kneel down and in tears whisper, "God, how great thou art!" Actually, I did not actually believe in the existence of God at that time. It was just my natural response as if I were like a dancer who cannot help but dance to the tune of a beautiful piece of music. 

Though I could not explain it clearly, I knew this music had a qualitative difference from the other music I had heard before. In the past, through music, I was brought into another realm that was different from my daily life. Nevertheless, it was still within the realm of my human experience. They confirmed my life and allowed me to express my life. The thing that I came across in Bach’s music was a different life that was beyond my human experience. Once I was touched by this life, the old, arrogant self suddenly appeared so unsure, gloomy and impoverished. However, I did not feel disheartened. Though the life was so different from mine, it could enter into my life and allow me to share in its vastness, brightness and fullness. It did not tempt me to turn away from the world but filled me with new strength to face the world. Its effect did not stop when the music concluded. Every time when I experienced it, seemingly some part of me was permanently changed. In a few months, I felt very different. I felt a sense of security, of being nourished. The dark and gloomy surroundings seemingly were also becoming brighter.  

Along with these special experiences was something that I never thought about before. Whenever I knelt down to praise God, a problem that I encountered in daily life would flash through my mind in a different way. As soon as I saw it, the correct solution would pop right up into my mind. I did not think about the problem when I listened to the music. The inspiration came so suddenly that I knew it was not from me. I knew my own thinking -- this had its special "fragrance". Almost always this inspiration would contradict my own thinking. When I grasped the inspiration, I immediately realized the thinking process that I had been using unconsciously and its limitations. Apparently this inspiration did come from beyond the realm of my life. Every time I encountered it, my life was enlarged a little. 

A Different Life  

At the beginning even I myself did not believe all that had happened. I would not dare let other people know about it because this was so different from the person they knew. Gradually I realized that what I have experienced was something beyond the realms of any human systems. No matter how I looked at it, the transformation of my life in those  few months was an undeniable fact. 

What caused Bach to write such kind of music? I realized that all the music that touched me the most had to do with Jesus’ birth, crucifixion, and resurrection. This caused me to ponder whether there was something in Christianity that I did not know before. I thought about going back to church again, but my previous experience held me back. However the desire to know more about Christianity grew stronger and stronger. Finally, with the encouragement of my friend who prayed for me, I went to church again.  

My Reaction Towards The Sermons  

I remember clearly that the sermon of that day was about Abraham’s faith. For the sake of following God’s revelation, he was willing even to sacrifice his only son who was born to him when he was one hundred years old. Previously I would have concluded right away that Christianity was indeed obsolete and harmful to mankind. But because of my experiences in the preceding few months, I had a different reaction. I did not think that Abraham was blindly following God. Instead, I realized that there must have been something great which he found in God that was even better than his own beloved son. Abraham must have experienced something that was better than his own reasoning. What was the role of God in Abraham’s life? This question compelled me to go to church again the following week. I have not stopped going to church to this day.  

There were always lots of things that I could not accept in the sermon. On the other hand, there were always some glistening things that attracted me to go back again. I did not like the hymns in the church at the beginning. Compared to Bach’s music, they were so dull. Gradually though, from those simple melodies I discovered the same breath of life that came down from heaven, just as I had experienced with Bach’s music. It did not matter what kind of music it was. It was the life that gave rise to the soul of the music Later, the hymns greatly helped in my walk with the Lord. My experience of studying the scriptures was similar to listening to the sermons. After a period of time of attending church and studying the Bible, my experience in the Lord was greatly enriched and deepened.  

Recognizing My Own Bondage 

During this period of time, again and again I saw the perfect nature of God’s life and my own limitations. Many times I was struck by His enlightenment and said to myself, "I never knew that there was such a good approach", "Little do we know there is such a response!" or "I never knew it could feel this good!" At the same time I saw the folly and uselessness in the way I had directed myself before. I came to see imperfections in every area of my life. They were like chains shackling and weighing me down. They made my life miserable and meaningless. They were like tyrants living inside me. Gradually, I understood what the Bible meant when it said every man is a sinner -- these tyrants were sin. The limitations in our lives exist in our genes. They are passed down from our common ancestor, Adam, and were part of the fetus while we were still in our mother’s womb. Before we were born, we were already contaminated with sin. Sin caused our lives to wilt and led to bad behaviors in our lives. Sin hid itself in the inner core of our reasoning so that it would not be revealed in our self-examination. It rendered our reasoning ineffective to get rid of it. Only God’s revelation, like a flash of lightning, could illuminate the sin that lurked in the darkness of my life. It also showed me the way to freedom -- God’s life. The Bible told me that this life of God was first combined with the life of man in Jesus, who is the Son of God and Son of Man. Through Jesus Christ, this life can enter into our lives also. The power of this life enabled Jesus to break through the bondage of the grave and rise from the dead. Today, with God’s life in our lives we will be able to overcome the shortcomings which were brought by sin in our natural lives, and to fulfill the potential God has given us. We can be set free!  

In the past I refused to admit that I was a sinner. Nevertheless, I was bound by sin. Now I recognize my sinfulness, but I am not depressed, for the things that the Lord gives me are always better than what I had. This is how God unshackled me. Every time a piece of the chain was broken, I experienced a new freedom. God is like a loving teacher, Step by step, He has guided me to get in touch with a new world and a new self. He has taught me to live a new life, a life that is filled with joy and strength.  

One day I realized that for a long time, I had not asked myself the question, "What good is it to live like this?" I had begun to live such a fulfilling life that I stopped searching for that something which would make my life complete. In my daily life, I gradually felt more zeal and energy for life. Pascal said, "There is a hollow in men’s hearts, its shape is God." Man has tried to fill this hollow with wealth, fame, romantic love, ideal, excitement.... Yet, whether noble or lowly, wise or foolish, no earthly thing could really fill it up. Only when the life of God enters into our hearts will we discover in amazement, that the hollow is filled perfectly and eternally for the first time. 

The strength of the new life, carrying with it the sense of light, wisdom and love, started from Bach’s music, permeating every area of my life. Wherever it touched, the dying life was nourished. Gradually, my emptiness was filled and the sense of meaningless dissolved. What came next was a joy and peace that is beyond description. It was something I had caught glimpses of in my "ideal" before, but now I revel in it daily. It is majestic, yet it can be found even in the little things of our daily lives and makes our lives meaningful. It is not a set of philosophies teaching us how to live our lives. It did not bring the fantasy of a utopia, but rather a daily renewal of my life. It did not originate from me, and it is not a psychological effect. It is totally different from all my past experiences, and cannot be explained by my scientific knowledge. It has brought me the truest, most profound changes in my life.  

A year later on Christmas Eve, I heard Bach’s Christmas Oratorio from a classical music station in Los Angeles. It was the first time I ever heard this piece of music. The whole piece lasted three hours, and the ending was particularly touching. In the end, the broadcaster said, "Jesus had broken your bondage. Death, devil, sin and hell can no longer hold you. At God’s right hand, man has found his place." Every word was like a footnote of my experiences in the past year. Once again, I was shown the fountain of life that produced the beautiful music written by Bach. At that moment, with tears streaming down my face, I knelt down. I laid my hand on my Bible and for the first time, I said to God, "Oh God, I am willing to become a Christian." 

Mr. Moo See comes from Shanghai and is a Ph.D. candidate in Medical Science at UCLA