Most of us have worries or burdens; as the saying goes: "Every family has its own book of hard chanting". Of course, we also have happiness -- a delicious meal, a good time in a beautiful setting, intimate friendship, wealth and fame, etc. all make us beam. However,we also know that this kind of happiness is quite temporary, even momentary. We are often overshadowed by a sense of concern as to what is it all about -- why are we here on earth? What is the meaning of our existence? Why do we even care to find out the meaning of life?

At that time, the hot topic on campus was Sartre's existentialism. Existentialism emphasizes self-worth -- through personal efforts and struggles, one can prove one's existence and realize self-worth. At first, existentialism quite agreed to my taste, but later it brought despair. For most of us, including myself, there was very little chance to prove ourselves in the communist system; and this meant there was very little value of our lives, and very little meaning of our existence. Why are we even here on earth? At the same time, I was also attracted to "humanism" and the "universal love" I read about in world literature. You can imagine the confusion in my thinking at the time.

My major in college was chemistry; so I know that there are the laws of chemistry, the laws of physics, and the laws of various sciences. I wish there were also laws for human existence in the universe. I sometimes cried out: God, help me! Tell me why I am here in this world. Who am I? At that time, the God I cried out to was to me the truth of the universe, though I did not know the truth.

It was hard not to be influenced by Sartre's extentialism once you were introduced to it; it was almost like an infectious disease, and I was no exception. So I set out to prove myself. At the time I was very curious about democracy, and science and the technology of the west, so I decided to pursue graduate study as the first step to prove myself. My husband and I were both accepted by Ohio State University at the same time, so we both went to Columbus, Ohio in 1986 to begin doctoral studies.

After we both received our doctoral degrees, we did two years of post-doctoral research at Cornell University. Then my husband found a position as assistant professor at the University of Kentucky; and I also found a good job at the Medical Center at the same university. By that time, we had been married for eight years and had a two-year-old son. It appeared that after many years of hard work and struggles, we finally had accomplished something. Yet I discovered that each time I had achieved something or got what I really wanted, I became down and depressed for some time. Is this all? Is this all that I pursued? So what!

I realized that I constantly needed new challenges in order to keep my spirit up and feel alive; and it became a vicious cycle. Actually I knew what the problem was. One day I told my husband that the day I could totally forget myself and forsake my ego would be the day that I would be totally happy and at peace.

I felt it was time that I did some serious thinking again. I started to read the book "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck. This book helped me very much. It says that we are here to learn, and that religion is really a world view. Dr. Peck, after many years of study, considers Christianity to be closest to truth. So I became very curious about Christianity. However, most of my colleagues did not believe in God, and I, being new in town, did not know other people or any church. One day I found the address and telephone of a Chinese Christian church in the library, yet no one answered the phone when I called twice.

That night, Aaron was very happy to be home and went to bed early. I was exhausted from the twenty plus hour trip and did not talk much to my husband before I fell asleep. At about 3am I was wakened up by a strange sound coming from my husband. I shook him. No response! Then I realized that he had no pulse and no heart beat. I started doubting my own senses. Then, I suddenly thought of his father's sudden death during sleep in his forties. I called 911 and did mouth to mouth resuscitation before the ambulance arrived. My son was sound asleep in the next room. I cried to God: "Please don't let anything bad happen to my husband. He's only thirty-one-years old. He is a good person. I beg you!" After the ambulance took my husband, I called a colleague Steve to drive me to the hospital, for I knew I was not in any shape to drive. We -- Steve, my son and I waited in the Emergency waiting room.

At last, the doctor came out with the bad news - he had died. I turned to Steve slowly and told him: "Life is meaningless!" I, then, turned to God and asked him: "I prayed to you. Why did you not do anything, but just let him die!" Nevertheless, I had to continue to live, because I had the responsibility of raising our son. Family and friends all wanted me to live. Since I had no other choice but to continue to live, I had to wake up from the nightmare and resume anew my search for the meaning of life, or it was difficult to get through the day and the night. I began to see clearly that I was not the master of my own destiny. High above there was a super power who controlled the universe. Was that God- God of the universe? Was God the one for whom I had been searching?

For several months I jumped up from bed every night at the slightest sound, and tried to feel my husband's pulse, even though he was not there. I was plagued by insomnia. Then gradually I struggled through the grieving period - from denial to beginning to accept reality, and to recovery. During recovery, I had violent mood swings, a very painful experience. However, during those days, tremendous loving support came from all directions, including the church. I felt that it was very strange - God allowed tragedy to occur, yet He still cared about me at the same time. I asked professor Wang Shao-Jen of Asbury Seminary many questions, and received satisfactory answers to most of them. He helped me understand Creationism, and discussed with me the shortcomings and the unresolved issues of Evolution. He also clarified many common misconceptions concerning sin and the sinful nature. Sin or the sinful nature means our rebellion or turning our back against God, much like what our ancestors Adam and Eve did. We often confuse sin with crime (acts done in violation of human laws). One day Professor Wang asked me if I would like to accept Jesus Christ as my savior, and I said yes, even though I still had many questions. But I felt that it was like in mathematics, one has to accept certain formulas in advance in order to start calculations.

But, I still had a number of questions. The sisters and brothers in the church often liked to talk about joy; I was very appalled at that. How could someone who had lost a loved one be joyful? And, when someone asked me when I was going to be baptized, I was very uncomfortable also. It was like asking me to marry someone I did not really know well. However, deep down I knew the real reason for my ambivalence was that I was afraid of establishing a relationship with God; I was afraid to relinquish control of my life, especially my spiritual life - the freedom to be whatever I wanted to be in my inner self. I lingered in this state of mind for a long time. I did not grow much except in being able to find Bible verses faster. There was still a wide chasm between God and me. How was I to cross it? I continued to search.

One day, I met a brother and told him that I just saw the movie "Shadowlands", and that I liked it. So he gave me the book "Mere Christianity" by C. S. Lewis to read. "Shadowlands" was a story about C. S. Lewis. I was totally absorbed by the book from the start. The book begins with "The Law of Human Nature" and ends with "The New Man". One night in late June, 1996 as I was reading chapter 8 "The Great Sin", I was struck. C. S. Lewis wrote: "There is one vice of which no man in the world is free; which everyone in the world loathes when he sees it in someone else; and of which hardly any people, except Christians, ever imagine that they are guilty themselves. I have heard people admit that they are bad-tempered, or that they cannot keep their heads about girls or drink, or even that they are cowards. I do not think I have ever heard anyone who was not a Christian accuse himself of this vice. And at the same time I have very seldom met anyone, who was not a Christian, who showed the slightest mercy to it in others. There is no fault which makes a man more unpopular, and no fault which we are more unconscious of in ourselves. And the more we have it in ourselves, the more we dislike it in others. The vice I am talking of is Pride or Self-Conceit: and the virtue opposite to it, in Christian morals, is called Humility..... When I was talking about sexual morality, I warned you that the center of Christian morals did not lie there. Well, now, we have come to the center, .... the essential vice, the utmost evil, is Pride. Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere fleabites in comparison: it was through pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind..........Pride is competitive by its nature: that is why it goes on and on." Here I would like to mention what I said earlier about Sartre's Existentialism being like a vicious infectious disease, very few are immune to its effect, because it panders to our pride and self-conceit. C S. Lewis continued to write: "If I am a proud man, then, as long as there is one man in the whole world more powerful, or richer, or cleverer than I, he is my rival and my enemy........It is Pride which has been the chief cause of misery in every nation and every family since the world began. Other vices may sometimes bring people together: you may find good fellowship and jokes and friendliness among drunken people or unchaste people. But Pride always means enmity -- not only enmity between man and man, but enmity to God. In God you come up against something which is in every respect immeasurably superior to yourself. Unless you know him as that -- and, therefore, know yourself as nothing in comparison -- you do not know God at all. As long as you are proud you cannot know God."

That night those words by C. S. Lewis were like lightening penetrating my heart; in a flash, all my sins were exposed under the daylight. Tears streamed down uncontrollably. I could only ask for God's forgiveness. And then quietly my old self began to melt away and disappear; my heart began to fill with peace and tranquillity I had not experienced before. I knew that Christ had taken and washed away my sins; and that the Holy Spirit had come to live in my heart. All of sudden, I truly understood John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son. Whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life", and "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." --John 14:6

The reason that we often get frustrated and suffer because we expect things to go our way and our world to remain the way we would like it to be; yet the world changes every minute according to its own laws. I know, because of our sinful nature, the road before me will not be smooth, but I am not afraid anymore. I am thankful that I did not sleep all day and did not just give up when things went against my expectations, or become cynical and uncaring. In other words, if I did not persevere in my search for the truth, I don't believe that I would be where I am today.

God, or we would be forever a slave of career, money, power, and a variety of human desires; even a slave of our children. Though one may be totally absorbed and immersed in one's good fortune, you and I know how temporary those things will be.

Today, I can say the meaning of my life and the reason for my existence are:

1. To know God. 2. To understand God. 3. To have a relationship with God. Other religions also teach the first two, but to have all three, one has to go through Jesus Christ of the Gospel.

*****

Abridged from page 34-36, February 1997 issue of Overseas Campus Magazine.