Before I accepted Jesus, my life basically fell into the categories of continually setting goals for myself and continually trying to reach them. I spent my childhood in a little town in Northeast China. My parents often educated me with the spirit of working with double efforts to success. They hoped that I could fly out of the little town to realize the dream of life they failed to realize. As a result, they strictly disciplined me in every possible way. At elementary school, I was a student leader. At high school, I earned the highest scores in college entrance exams in the entire town, and such achievement appropriately punctuated my childhood with a perfect exclamation mark. Due to human errors in my college application forms, I was not able to go to a university in Beijing. So my goal was to find a job in Beijing after graduation. In my first year of college life, I made a plan for myself. I wanted my name to be made known to every single person on campus within two years. So I studied extremely hard. I participated in almost all kinds of school activities: competing in lecturing contest, hosting for stage performance, running for student union chairman, and so on. In the four years of my college education, my life was extremely rewarding and full of success. I reached all my goals as I wished. After graduation, I set out for Beijing. Every time I achieved something, I would rush to my parents and tell them about it, so that they could also share my joy and enjoy the little bit of good news in their otherwise monolithic and uneventful life in the little town. At the same time, they earned a chance to boast about their child among their friends and relatives.

Slowly, however, a kind of inexplicable loneliness came to haunt me when the excitement was over and I was left alone. And no one and no words could explain this kind of loneliness. In addition, the more I grew up the more I believed that the world was helpless. Our achievement could be measured in different ways; history could be interpreted in different ways and different conclusions could be drawn from it; and as for human beings, I also started to doubt if things like perfect personality and morality had ever existed. How astonished I was when I had a chance to see all the dirty stuff behind an apparently well-respected historical figure! And how pitiable it was that many great historical figures spent their entire life in glory only to be remorseful when death approached them. When I looked at myself, I was often shocked by my own selfishness, narrow-mindedness and lack of disciplines. Worse, I was not able to overcome these shortcomings of mine despite the fact that I was eager to pursue perfect personality and absolute truth.

The famous June 4^th Movement provided for us who graduated in that year a chance of being re-educated. We were sent to rural areas or remote islands on a short term basis. I was sent to a little village close to Beijing along with about a dozen other students. Life there was pretty tough. We lived in two vacated little rooms that looked more like storage rooms. There was no toilet. What we should endure the most was spiritual pressure. Tough environment often exposed the ugly side of human personality. Some female students tried to establish intimate relationships with the village head in order to stay away from hard labor or night shift. And they succeeded. During weekends, everybody went back to the city and reunited with their family members. Since my family was not in the city, I had no choice but to spend my weekend in the village. For lack of things to do, I often took a walk in the field. I remember I often saw a friendly little dog. Dogs often scared me. Not this time, however, for I was badly in need of friendship. Every time I saw it in the field, I would call its name and it would run toward me and make circles around me. It never barked as loud as other dogs. Rather it brought me a little bit comfort and a little bit intimacy. One day, however, I was waiting for the village bus when the dog was passing by on the other side of the street. Before I had time to think, I greeted the dog, which immediately started to run toward me. Then a big truck flew by without warning and the dog quietly left the world. Whenever I think about the little dog, I can't hold my tears and I can never wipe out my remorse and remembrance of the dog from my mind.

Village life brought me a lot of melancholy and a lot of meditations too. Material insufficiency was not frightening. What scared me was hopelessness for the country, hopelessness for the future and hopelessness for myself. My confidence level reached its bottom when I was sent to the county hospital one night for asthma.

In October 1990 I returned to Beijing. I participated in a job fair run by an import and export company; then I formally started my life in the society. I put up my spirit and worked with enthusiasm and attentiveness. Soon I was made secretary of the president's office, and two years later I was promoted manager of the import department. In the total six years of work, I had had joy and gains, and the company had provided me a lot of opportunities too with more responsibilities to come. Once again a bright future seemed to be within reach. But I submitted my resignation.

The Chinese people are extremely smart. Nonetheless, there are too many negative elements in the sediment of the five-thousand-year culture. Since ancient history, the Chinese people have constantly suffered from internal turmoil, external aggressions, political instability and power struggle, all of which have cast a shadow into the heart of the people. Not that we do not care about our motherland, but social immorality, deteriorating interpersonal relationships and lack of responsibility have significantly weakened our enthusiasm and motivations. When we finally reach a certain point where we can really do something, we are no longer what we used to be, our enthusiasm has long been replaced by the doctrine of mean, and things like conscience, fellowship and honesty have become synonymous to immaturity or inexperience.

It was in such a career path against human nature that I found life slowly losing its rich attraction. In that environment, I could choose to pursue worldly success, but at the same time I was very clear that I might have to pay for it by giving up the source of life and betraying my own conscience. I didn't have the power to change such an environment; so the best I could do was to escape it and to attempt to enrich my confused soul. One of my respected managers said to me: "People of our generation have no choice but to wait for history to make its own judgment. You are different because you still have opportunities. You should take a look at the world to choose your own future. Perhaps situation in China cannot be improved unless natural laws help complete its transformation some day. Perhaps we will not see this happening. But you certainly will see it. Not only that, but you will have the opportunity to contribute to China's history from a new angle."

So I came to America without knowing what I would be gaining nor what I would be losing. Although I was a bit cynical in China, I had never had any doubt about my self-confidence, which was pretty much all I had got. After I came to America, however, even this little bit of my possession was in jeopardy. Heavy MBA classes, impersonal human relationships, culture shock as well as an uncertain future often prompted me to ask myself: "Where are you from? And where are you going?"

God reveals to me that I am supposed to see the world and the people around me with a humble heart. In my communication with God, the dark side of my soul has been exposed time and again. God's justice teaches me to receive what I plow and what I sow and to get rid of evil thoughts and selfishness. I start to live a joyful life. My school work isn't getting easier, but I am joyful anyway. God also listens to my prayer and He leads me out of the labyrinth in His own way. I often feel like I am one of those lilies in the field, accompanying the sunshine and laughing at the storms. Although what I do often conflicts with God's words, although I often make mistakes and although my soul is willing and my body is weak, I know clearly, however, I belong to God who will never abandon me. In my life I have finally found a piece of thread that can lead me through the invisible rendezvous.

I can understand those who are still wandering at the door of Christianity. Salvation is unconditional, but it requires that you open the door to your heart. Opening the door, however, is the most difficult part especially for those who has attempted to search for some kind of belief and has become disappointed. We may also subconsciously play the card of intellectuality and try to calculate "one plus one equal to two". Intellectuality does not agree that opening the door receives salvation because it lacks logic. But it is in this world, where intellectuality dominates, where logic flourishes and where science advances, that we witness too many tragedies and too many disasters and evils. Intellectuality does not save us out of sufferings; science is busy robbing us of our spiritual power and joy. The fact that we are all after good deeds but we cannot save us from our sins indicates the truth God has always revealed to us, and that is we can never rely on our own strength to free ourselves from sins and evils. It is when we rely on God's heavenly power to cleanse our souls can we pull ourselves out of the worldly temptation and step over the bitter sea before we find our own spiritual hometown. Reality is cruel and we often forget to seriously think about the significance of life because of our busy life. But life does not wait. When we fail to determine the direction of our souls, we may have just lost another opportunity to get to know God.

I am about to return to China soon. In retrospect, it can be said that God has guided my entire life. He makes me realize my own limitation and see clearly the muddy world. Then just as I was helpless and hopeless, He washed my heart with the love of the Holy Spirit. Armed with God's words, I do not feel sad any more despite the uncertainty of my future. Jesus said: Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life. (John 4:14)

With this living water, I will be strong enough to face any dark forces when I return to our disastrous motherland.

It is said that if you receive a drop of water, you should return a spring of water. I know I have received God's grace like a spring of water; therefore I hope to return a drop of water to reflect God's glory, with which I hope to push open many spiritual doors that are otherwise closed.

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