OCM Vol23 Page12 Is Physical Punishment Necessary

Recently a few friends of mine gathered together to share their experience on how to discipline their children. To my surprise, all of them believed that the most effective way to discipline was to beat them, as the old saying goes "No sticks, no disciplined kids". More than just saying so, they all seemed to be very experienced doing so. Among them was a lady who was yet to be a mother but she already tried to convince everybody with examples that physical punishment was a necessity.

Nevertheless, I believe that physical punishment, especially frequent or severe punishment, has at least two disastrous consequences: (1) Kids tend to become eccentric and timid. They often lack courage to try new things because they are afraid of making mistakes. Once I had a student who always shook his head no matter how I encouraged him. Then one of my colleagues told me that his parents didn't do a good job raising him up and that they constantly beat on him if he made mistakes. (2) Kids tend to become abusive, for beating signifies to the children that violence is the means of victory. Can you guarantee that your children will not abuse others as you do to them? Are you sure they will not seize anything they like with violence? How do you let your kids know violence is bad while you keep on beating them at the same time?

Is physical punishment a necessity? Absolutely not! I never beat my son but he is a reasonably good boy. My son is a second grader with excellent grades. He came to America three years ago when he didn't know any English. But he is now his teacher's good little helper in class. Even his teacher is amazed at his progress. In a parents' conference, his teacher told us that my son helped American-born classmates read and spell. At home, he helps doing a little household chores such as tidying his own room and dumping garbage. Friends ask how I train him and how he manages to clean up his own room. Some parents make monetary or other materialistic promises to their children in exchange of their participation in household chores. I tell my son in a different way: "You are a member in the family and you have the responsibility to help." Some suspect that my son does not need physical punishment because he is born of submissive and obedient temperament. He is obedient all right, but he is far from being submissive. Among my parents and my husband's parents, our relatives and our family friends, he is known as a child of strong personality. I brought him to America when he was four. We intended for him to quickly learn the English language so we immediately sent him to a preschool. His teacher told us in a parents' conference: "Your son is very talented but his personality is too strong. Once a few children gathered together to try to construct an airplane with lego blocks. Your son knew how to make a decent plane and he expected everybody to listen to him or he would just cry (as he couldn't express himself well enough in English). He also cried real loud so that teachers could hear him." We didn't really criticize him because of this let alone physical punishment. On the one hand we continually prayed for him, and on the other we tried to grasp various opportunities to talk to him. A few years later his second-grade teacher made this comment about him: "Chen Han maintains a very good relationship with his classmates. He has a lot of friends in class and everybody likes him very much." His classmates also said, "John (my son's English name) is cool."

Not that we do not discipline (or punish) our child, but we believe in no-violence punishment. For instance, we bought him lots of tapes and glues for him when he was a first grader because he was interested in making his own toys with various materials (His works used to make their way to the school's Art Exhibition). One day, however, I discovered he had applied tapes everywhere at home, tables, walls, chairs and door knobs. I told him not to do that and I required him to clean up the mess. A few days later, the same thing happened again. Worse, when I was vacuuming, I found that the tapes even made their way to the floor and it took me a while to clean it up. I was very angry and I said to him: "Mummy has told you more than once not to do tapes this way, right? Because you wasted tapes that way and made a mess at home, I am not going to buy tapes for you for a significant period of time." In the next month or so, I really did stick to my words. At first my son tried to use glue to make up for tape shortage and I pretended I didn't see it. Later on, my son could not stand it any more. He said to me: "Mummy, next week it is going to be my turn to share something important in class, and I am thinking to make either a mailbox or a school bus." I replied: "Good idea." Then he said: "But I need tapes." I said: "You tell me why I don't buy tapes for you." He said: "I wasted a lot of tapes and made a mess at home." I said: "I'm glad you knew it. I only wanted you to take the lesson." Having said that, I brought him out and bought tapes for him. Since then, this kind of mischief has never happened again.

Some people believe that we are obligated to make them know when they are wrong. I agree, but the question is how we make them know. Once I met a couple who pinched their two-year-old child's ear so hard that the kid screamed in pain. I don't know how much this child has paid attention to his parents' words. Perhaps some will argue: "Kids are mine. Scolding or beating, I can do whatever I like. I punish them because I don't want them to become bad kids." Good intention, but inappropriate methodology. The Bible says that kids are "a heritage from the Lord" (Ps. 127:3). Indeed kids belong to their parents, but they belong to the Lord all the more.

I have to admit that children can do something that make their parents lose temper. In order to avoid punishing your kids with anger, I suggest you ask your husband, or your wife or any other adults at home, to handle the incident before you do. If you cannot find any immediate help, you can always say to the kids: "Mummy (or Daddy) is now really angry, but I still don't want to beat you. I'll talk to you later." Wait till you believe you are calm enough and then go talk to them.

I had been a middle school teacher for ten years in China. After I came to America I switched my career to child development, which gave me a lot of opportunities to get in touch with small children. Last school year, I received practical training in two different kindergartens. In the two classes with children about the same ages, one teacher tended to educate kids positively and the other could be described with her own slogan as "Do not be afraid to punish kids". Comparing the two classes, I found that the class that received more punishment generated far more conflicts between kids than the other class. I believe that teaching methodology has to vary according to different children, different environment and different time factors, but for this particular class with lots of conflicts and punishment, I believe there is a vicious cycle as excessive punishment has caused side effects.

Therefore, if you are a Christian and if you believe in physical punishment, then please stop doing that from now on. Do pray for your kids, and if your kids are old enough, teach them how to pray too. In addition, pray for yourself and ask the Lord to grand you wisdom in educating your kids. The Lord will take care of them because children belong to the Lord to start with. If you are not a Christian and if you believe in physical punishment, then please, for the sake of your own kids, try to pray to the Lord, the one and only between heaven and earth, and ask for His help. The Lord is faithful and He will certainly help you.

*****

Abridged from page 12-13, June 1997 issue of Overseas Campus Magazine.

The author comes from FuJian Province and is now studying Child Development in the State University of Idaho in Boise, Idaho.