In my childhood, the so-called class education filled our mind with many crimes of Christianity. We were told, for example, a certain church ran a foundling hospital, where many babies were tortured to death. As a result, the word Christianity was often prefixed with terms like hypocrisy and ugliness. Topping all these was our education in atheism, which made us take it for granted that there was no God and that human beings were evolved from apes. We simply accepted all the education with no explanations, and no explanations were allowed anywhere. I remember I used to have a sense of chill and terror whenever I saw a church building.

Growing up along with myself was a sense of observation and thought about the world around me. One of my best friends had a kind-hearted, pious Christian mother. His father was classified as a rightist and was locked up for several years. My friend and his sister were all raised up by their mother alone. They not only lived a very poor life, they also had to fight through all the insults, which never managed to take their mother down, however. She was always so peaceful and calm. Although poverty never seemed to leave them, she would still offer help to those who needed it. My friend could not understand that and grumbled about it. His mother said: "You already have clothes to wear, and you will never lack anything." In those years when everybody fought for everything, it was pretty touching to see a mother of a poor family extending her helping hands to others. Following the downfall of the Gang of Four, a group of angry people rushed into the city hall buildings, grabbed the daughter of Zhang who was one of the Four and beat her real hard. When the mother of my friend was told that her son also went there, she called for him and commanded him to kneel down. Even though my friend was a mere observer during the incident, his mother still said to him: "It is true that we have had a lot of sufferings these years. You have lived in humiliations because of your father and I understand your resentment. Even so, you can't go beat them because of your father. We are not judges. God is." These words were the words of a Christian. How abundant their life is!

I was shocked. Could this be the kind of people brought up by the infamous Christianity? These people seemed to have in their heart an invisible force that nobody else had. Since then I have adopted a sense of respect to Christians. I did not feel terrified any more about Christianity. Instead I felt curious.

Those with similar background as mine must know what it means by confrontational philosophy, and that is: "It is a joy to confront the heaven; it is a joy to confront the earth; it is a joy to confront people." Behind the joy, however, were countless families that were torn apart, countless husbands and wives who were broken up, and countless human tragedies. It was indeed an era where sinful nature of human beings was thoroughly manifested. Human morality was badly twisted. There was no truth, only falsehood. There was no justice, only deals. There was no love, only hatred. Why? Why couldn't we just love each other? Why couldn't we trust each other? Where was the answer? These questions often puzzled me.

My path toward becoming a Christian might be a bit different from others. I seldom went to church in the past. I respected Christianity, but that was about it. There were times that I heard a voice in my heart talking to me: "You should go to church!" The voice was so strong that I couldn't ignore. So I went to church without being invited by anyone. In retrospect, the voice must have been that God was calling me.

I went to church all right, but I was far from being prepared to become a Christian. I was very serious about my belief. When I was in China, I never participated in any kind of organizations or groups. I believed in regular social life but I did not believe in organizations. Whatever it was that required my belief had to be very dependable. There was an old Chinese saying: "Once I obtain truth, I can die in peace." I didn't like to make a deal with any god. I despised the practice of making a wish and then making a thanksgiving offering with vegetables and fruits if the wish came true. What I searched for was true word, word that could justified us.

I started to read the Bible with lots of curiosity, a few pages a day. Gradually I felt that every word generated an impact on me. When the words God so loves the world came to me, I could no long fight back my tears. Jesus said: "I am the gate for the sheep", "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." I was deeply moved. The life of Jesus was filled with love to the world, not only to those who believed in him, but to those who did not believe in him. Even for those who crucified him he said: "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." In the entire human history, nobody could act like this. There were those who died for friends; there were those who died for family members. But who was able to die for sinners? Nobody but Jesus Christ who is the son of God. While we were still sinners, He gave up his life and cleansed us with his blood.

I found the solution to my puzzle: We acted wickedly because of our sinful nature. Before we believed in the Lord, we were all under the curse of evil. Christians like the mother of my friend are blessed by the Lord because they live the life of the Lord Jesus Christ. They know the way of eternal life and they face the world with dignity and peace. Those who do not believe in the Lord see only the transient world and so they fight for everything. I used to try to keep myself away from worldly wickedness. I failed. We will never be justified without accepting Jesus as our Lord and asking to cleanse ourselves with His blood. Isn't the Lord's way what I had been searching for?