Occasionally I was asked what I had thought of Christian belief. My usual comments were: "God didn't make us. We made him. The so-called god is merely something people made according to their own need. Religious phenomenon always comes and goes in line with human civilization." Often times I debated with Christians and we often ended up in hot arguments. And they always came to me afterwards to apologize for their ill manner. Later on, I got tired of it and decided not to debate any further, saying: "I respect your belief in God, and I hope you will also respect my belief in Marxism and Leninism. Let's just not interfere with each other." Three times had I attended the Gospel Class in church, and I had also been to various meetings like the Gospel Camp, Retreat, Evangelic Gatherings, and so on. None of them helped me a bit. Sometimes I was impressed and saw some light in the Gospel. But I was never moved. I remained a piece of hard stone.

My stubbornness was due in part to my own personality. It also had something to do with my past experience.

I grew up in Mainland China. I benefited a lot from the Communist Party. I joined the army and participated in the Korean War at the age of 16. At 18, I became a Party member and an army officer. At 30, I retired from the army and became a local cadre. I was an award-winning army officer; I was a model Party member; I was a conscientious cadre with clear record and I did quite a few good things for local folks; I was a good husband and a good father, willing to do all sorts of domestic chores, and capable of doing too. I was very proud of myself. I didn't believe in any savior. I believed in myself.

At the same time I was constantly under the education of atheism. I went through army schooling as well as Party schooling. I had read extensively about Marx, Lenin and Mao. My head was so full of the world outlooks of Marxism, Leninism and Mao's thoughts that there was no chance for me to accept any theological principles and the Gospel.

Many factors contributed to my change of mind. My marriage crisis was one of the key factors.

For a while I was in a subtle situation at home. At first we were tied at two apiece in terms of Christian belief: the old couple vs. the young couple. Following my wife's acceptance of the Lord came the imbalance of three to one. Everything still seemed quite harmonious; my daughter and my son-in-law treated me reasonably well. Because of our religious difference, however, we couldn't quite come together. I was like a green card holder, having the right to stay but missing citizenship. I didn't feel like I was a true member of the family. I felt a bit alienated.

My wife did asked for my approval when she accepted the Lord. I never disagreed, but I had my reservations. After she gave her testimony at one of the Fellowship gatherings, she demanded a statement from me. I replied, half-jokingly: "How mighty God's power is! He finally robs me of my other half." I was amazed that my joke one day became reality.

My wife and I had been getting along really well. Thirty-eight years had passed since we got married and we had never seriously quarreled. I loved her and respected her. I had never expected any serious problems between the two of us.

After my wife accepted the Lord, one day we went out for a walk. She suddenly said to me: "Did you feel we are farther and farther apart recently? We don't have as much common language as before. From now on, I hope you stop boasting to others about how well we can get along. I'm afraid people will laugh at us." I asked: "Why?" She said: "Don't underestimate those couples. They may have disagreement among them from time to time. At least they share the same belief and they can come to the Lord together. As for us, we may have less disagreement between us. But it is obvious we have contradictions and differences on the fundamental subject of belief. What do you have to boast about?" I felt a bit sorry and kept silent. For quite a while, she said again: "We may have to part each other soon." I hurried: "What? Are you talking about divorce?" She replied: "Not really. But sooner or later I am heading toward heaven to see God. But for you? You are heading toward Marx. Isn't it true that we will have to pick our own path?" I wanted to laugh but I couldn't.

I remembered once she said to my daughter: "If there is a next life, I will marry your daddy again." Now it seemed this was impossible because we even had difficulties for this life. That night I couldn't sleep. I thought a lot. Seeing her recent behavior, I realized that she cared about my daily life more than ever but she didn't seem to talk to me as much. It was true that we didn't have as much common language. I started to see a crisis between us.

That night I couldn't sleep again. I said to myself that I abandoned everything forty years ago for the cause of Marxism. I abandoned my schooling and went to the army. Today, was I going to abandon everything I possess for the cause of the empty ideology again? It was not only unworthy but it was stupid.

I remembered the day my wife was baptized, and I joked to her: "You got so many relatives and friends in China. And you even brought quite a few of them into the Party. Now what have you got to explain all this to them?" To my surprise, what I said hurt her and she almost burst into tears: "What have I not got to explain all this to them? I don't really care what they have to say. But I do care what you have to say." I remembered our wedding ceremony, in which I swore I would protect her for the rest of my life; I wanted to make sure she would not get hurt and she would be happy always. But now my stubbornness and arrogance hurt her. Remorse overpowered me.

I continued my thinking, then suddenly I remembered the topic of one of the Sunday sermons by Pastor Xu: I want to go home. I felt like he was talking to me. I was excited and I said to myself: "Don't hesitate. Don't be stubborn. It's time I went home. I want to go home! I want to go to the heavenly home that expects me. I also want to go to my little home that is waiting for me."

The next day, I said to my wife with joy: "I get it. I want to believe in the Lord." She shouted with joy: "Really? How wonderful!"

That evening we talked a lot. I told her everything I had in mind. She was extremely happy. In recent years I had never seen her so happy and so excited. She kept saying: "How wonderful! How wonderful!" Then she dashed toward me and kissed me over and over again. I could no longer hold off my tears.

At the Fellowship's celebration for the new year, I raised my hand and accepted the Lord. Many fellowship workers ran to me and shook hands with me. Those who used to debate with me all wept with joy. They prayed for me. I felt we were all of the same family and I wept again. I truly felt that I came home. It was our heavenly Father's home; it was the large home of the church; it was the little home of mine.