That day my cousin was weeping. She was weeping for me. I stared at the autumn bamboo leaves outside the windows. I could hardly balance myself as my brain was completely blank. Not long ago we were talking about getting married and now he confronted me without shame and there were a pair of women's shoes next to his bed¡K

"Anyway, men like that should be punished!" My cousin and I were condemning his conscience. Nevertheless, how helpless we were! The court does not judge conscience, nor do public opinions make any difference. Who is going to care for things as common as this? As my sincerity and my love were deeply abused, how could I tolerate such wickedness invading my life? And yet I was at a loss what to do.

From that day on, hatred was planted into my heart. Every night I was awakened from a nightmare in which the Devil was standing next to me and I felt deadly cold. In darkness, a wounded dove was hiding in the corner of the wall trembling. I didn't know where I was and what time meant to me. Oh when was the shivering youth going to pass away? What did I do wrong to deserve this kind of punishment? I became desperate and two packets of cigarettes were hardly enough to benumb my nerves.

My eyes met the sorrowful eyes of my parents and my family who loved me more than anybody else in the world. Then I told myself: I can't fall. I started to draw pictures like crazy. My pictures were full of shining colors and rich flowers, yet they betrayed my inner solitude and loneliness. I participated in a lot of art shows but I was yet to find the Utopia I desired.

Traffic was heavy on the street and I could never figure out why these people were so busy or where they were heading. One day I walked into the office of one of my friends and she asked why it took so long to get there. I replied sadly: "All misfortunes seem to have fallen on me. I caught the wrong bus going in the opposite direction. Another bus had a mechanical breakdown." She wasn't surprised. The City of Beijing was like a huge lot for training drivers. Problems such as these were routine occurrences. "May God help you!" she said. "Who is God? The Buddha in the temple? God is dead!" Venting my anger, I didn't believe any gods out there would help me. Fixing her eyes on my brownish fingers due to too much smoking and wrinkles that weren't supposed to be there at my age, she pointed at my heart and said with power: "God is in your heart. He still lives. He is the Lord!"

Suddenly I felt a ray of joy entering my heart. "God really exists, but why are there so much wickedness? Why does the Devil seem to appear everywhere?" My friend couldn't find anything to say, so she promised she would find the answer for me. So I left her office, still carrying the little bit of joy with me. In the next few days all things seemed to be in my way. I was amazed but I didn't know whether the ray of joy had anything to do with my luck.

Later on, I was brought to a young missionary who just came back from abroad. He told me his testimony and the salvation of the Cross of Jesus. He seemed to be full of sunlight. Oh how I longed for this beautiful sunlight in my dark days. Is this the work of Jesus who grants truth, justice, peace and joy? Oh I want it! I want a life full of love! I knelt down and decided to follow the way of truth.

Since then I have come to know that I am also a sinner and all human transgressions recorded in the Bible can be found in me. But the Lord's holy love can be found in me too. He does not abandon me but He died for me (and for every one of us) on the Cross. If He hadn't done that, our sins would have haunted us all our lives till we go to hell. The Lord cleanses us with His precious blood, frees us from the bondage of sins and leads us into the eternal temple.

When I walked into church for the first time, I was greatly surprised: it was not nearly as magnificent as I had thought. Empty walls surrounded a few folded chairs. It was a full house, however. People were everywhere in the hallway, in the kitchen and outside the entrance. It was a cold winter day, but we were very warm as we sang hymns with one voice. I stepped into a happy and healthy life. I got rid of smoking which had accompanied me for ten years because I now found a new life and I have adapted to the new life.

Last year, the Lord's grace once again fell on me when I married a young German Christian. I also found a Chinese church in Flankfur. We anxiously listen to the Lord's words like a baby sucking its mother's milk. Our spiritual life continues to grow. The church is the Lord's temple. It is also our home.

The author came from Beijing. Now she works as an artist in Flankfur, Germany.