Beauty

By Li Su-zhen

I woke up that morning and stood for a moment at the window as I normally did. It was a beautiful day. Birds were squabbling over food on the ground. As one of them seemed to have won the tussle and glared proudly at the others uttering a squawk of triumph, I couldn't help laughing. The birds had given me a good start for the day.

Leisurely I sat down at my desk and stared at my opened books. In my mind, however, were the birds I had just seen, the big gray rabbit that came often to my backyard and was now bathing in the sun, the shadow of the leaves shining under the tree, the thick lawn ruffling in the breeze. Outside the window was the high sky with its white clouds, then there were walls and roofs. The world was full of life and my mind was water-clear... A little boy came running toward me, chasing a little white dog and I waved a greeting.

"Hi! Good morning! Wow! what a cutie!" The boy flashed me a wide gap-toothed grin, picked up the little dog and strode away. I felt the freedom of the vast sky; no room there for smallness or mediocrity.

Then... she appeared. With her long hair tied up in a pony-tail, clad in a pair of jeans with a blue-green shirt loosely covering a white T-shirt, she exuded freshness, energy and brightness. Every inch of her lithe body spoke of the exuberance of youth and I thrilled at the sight of her in all her loveliness. However, before I had a chance to say: "Hey! You look so beautiful!" I found myself backing away from the window holding my breath as I watched her beautiful form disappear swiftly around the corner.

For a long time, I stood there blankly, then a great weariness crept over.me. What did it mean? What had happened? Why couldn't I greet her as I had greeted the little boy? A blurred picture in my mind now became clearer - it was the picture of another youthful figure, my own, walking along the street proudly conscious of the envious glances of older women. Now that I was an older woman myself, how was it that I was turning mean and jealous at the sight of a younger woman? I almost wanted to run after the girl and say a few nice words to her, just to show how gracious I could be. But it was a bit awkward so I decided not to bother. All of a sudden, I was not in a good mood any more; I was just left with those silent white clouds and the ruthless sky. Was it because all my good times had gone forever? Or was it because I was simply being low-minded and pessimistic?

That night I read a touching story in a magazine: It was about an old widow who everyone looked down on and who made her living by collecting garbage. During the Cultural Revolution, she bravely walked into the home of a pastor who was undergoing tremendous persecution and prayed earnestly for him. Her courageous action helped the pastor and his family to once again feel the depth and light of Christian life. They received new strength to cope in those difficult times. It was only when the pastor went much later to visit the old widow that he realized she lived in utter poverty. She was lying under a damp and chilly stairway reading her torn Bible in the dim light. The writer's description of the peace, love and joy on her face moved me deeply. I could envision her face full of dignity, beauty and holiness smiling in the dark and I could see a soft light shining over her wrinkled face and falling on her Bible. I was so mesmerised by the essential beauty of the picture that I could hardly breathe. As I finished the story I knelt down in prayer beside my bed and wept. The image of that beautiful woman refused to leave my mind. It had become a prayer without words; just a picture.

Today the picture of the beautiful young woman remains in my mind. But my sleepless nights are no longer so terrible. As I lie there in soft bedclothes and clean scented bed-linen I remember the old widow and my heart is filled with gratitude and also with a sense of shame.. Oh Lord! How can I become deserving of your love?

The author came from Hong Kong. She now lives in Canada.