Running to His Arms

By Grace

Uncle Ye at the dinner table

I was reared in a simplistic and traditional environment, and grew up to be a simplistic intellectual, rarely questioning the knowledge and education I had received. I firmly believed that gods were simply the superstitions of the illiterate. My understanding of Christianity came from books or movies. Not only did I know very little about it, I never even bothered to try to understand. In my childhood I read the story of Copernicus, who claimed, on the basis of his astronomical observations and research, that the sun was the center of the Milky Way. At that time, authorities of the Roman Catholic Church believed that the earth was the center. They persecuted Copernicus and banned his research publications. This story gave me a negative feeling against Roman Catholic as well as against Protestant Christianity (at that time I couldn't distinguish between them). I believed that religion was always in conflict with science and was a significant obstacle to the development of science. Human reason, however, can never govern the spontaneous flow of human feelings.

Once when I was a child, I was lying in bed one night; darkness had fallen and everything around me was still. Suddenly I was struck by fearful thoughts of death. If I were to die, I would completely disappear from this world; nobody would care for me any more, nobody would know me any more. I would not be able to see my parents, my brother and my friends. How terrible it would be! I didn't dare to think any further. Do souls really live on when people die? Nobody seemed to know. How I longed that someone could come back to this world from death to tell us what had happened after he died! This terrible thought secretly haunted my young mind. But then I went on to live the life of a happy child and a hard-working adolescent and didn't seem to have room for these kinds of wild thoughts.

In the early eighties, China began to adopt its open-door policy; China's door was finally open to foreign countries. My father worked in the business of foreign trade and he was responsible for supervising a number of projects involving expensive technological imports. He often traveled abroad. Every time he came back from a foreign country, he would admit that other countries were better than ours. Once when he came home he told us that there was a copy of the Bible in every hotel room he had stayed in. I wondered why these countries paid so much attention to the Bible. Another time he visited the Statue of Liberty in New York and the tour guide told him that the Statue of Liberty held a torch in one hand and the Bible in the other, symbolizing that it was God who was the real source of freedom. Again I wondered why the United States, so full of freedom, democracy, wealth and prosperity, also believed in God?

As China's open-door policy progressed, we started to entertain more and more overseas visitors. One day, one of my father's former high school classmates came back from Canada to visit his mother in Guangzhou. Both Uncle Ye and his mother were Christians. My parents invited them to dinner in our home. Before the meal they said a prayer. I found this quite amusing and had to fight back my giggles. Although I can't quite remember what they had to say at the dinner table, their humility made a deep impression on my mind.

The foreign teachers at the Foreign Trade Institute

My truer understanding of Christianity began in my years at college. Influenced by China's open-door policy, I became a college student at the Guangzhou Foreign Trade Institute. Foreign teachers were hired to teach us English conversation and listening skills. In my third year there, our class became the first experimental class in the Institute. Apart from politics, we were to use English teaching materials for all our classes and all our teachers were Americans. As a result, we studied Western Economics, Western Accounting, Introduction to Western Law and Western Marketing, all in English. And thanks to the American teachers, I began to be interested in Christianity.

Curiosity was the right word to describe my feelings when I first started to interact with foreigners. Their teaching methods were lively as they ran different kinds of games and group activities in class so that we would not feel intimidated about listening to and speaking English. This was very different from our traditional way of learning. I soon discovered that these foreign teachers were open-minded, sincere and kind-hearted. I liked them very much. Then one day I was astonished to hear that they were all Christians. How could that be? I had always been under the impression that all Christians were silly, stubborn, ignorant, superstitious people. Because of these teachers, I was no longer biased against Christianity.

In my third and fourth years at college, I had more opportunities to speak with my American teachers, and our topics of conversation turned naturally to deeper things. I specially liked one teacher, who was able to help students think for themselves and who often asked quite profound questions in class. Once I asked him,"I understand you are all Christians?" "Yes, we are," he replied. I went on to ask, "You must have been a Christian from childhood, much as we have believed in Communism since we were children?" He said, "Not really. I didn't become a believer until I was a student at college. And I didn't become a believer just like that. It was after careful research and deep thought."

Once more, his answer really shocked me! Even though I had got over my bias against Christians and Christianity, I still believed that Christianity was merely an uninteresting part of Western culture, and that Westerners believed in Christianity when they were young, much as we believed in Communism when we were young. Having heard his answer, however, I was no longer so sure of myself. Furthermore, I began to be curious about Christianity. What exactly was Christianity anyway? The fact that this respectable teacher of mine came to believe in it after careful research and thought seemed to indicate that there had to be convincing reasons behind it. But what were they?

Another day, I read in The Reader's Digest that the Bible was the best-selling book in the whole world. This also surprised me. If Christianity is the result of superstition and ignorance, then how come the Bible is a best-seller in the modern world of advanced science and prosperous civilization?

My first free Bible

So I came to America with a curiosity and questions about Christianity. Graduating from college in 1990, I became a graduate student in the MBA program of the Arizona State University at Tucson. Soon after the school year started, I saw a little bookstore close to the Campus and there on a table stood an eye-catching sign: "International Bibles in your own language." I went over and filled out a simple information card in exchange for my first free Chinese Bible. Soon afterwards the International Student Fellowship, the group that gave me the free Bible, called and invited me to their Bible study. I almost said "No", due to the academic, economic and everyday stress I was under. Then I found out that Joy, who kept calling me and even came to visit me once, was an indirect friend of my American teacher in the Guangzhou Foreign Trade Institute. Moved by their concern, I accepted the invitation.

Sitting there in their Bible study meetings, I never imagined that I would one day become a Christian myself. I went out of curiosity more than anything else. I believed it would not be reasonable for me to blindly reject nor blindly accept something before I knew something about it. I could at least take a neutral position and try to understand Christianity; I felt I was lucky to have this opportunity of learning to understand Christianity. It was a fact that Western society and culture had been heavily influenced by Christianity and, as I had come to the West, it was fitting for me to know something about Christianity and the Bible so as to learn about Western society and culture. Now that someone was willing to spend the time to help me study the Bible for free, wasn't it to my advantage? So I began to read the Bible.

It took me two years to go through the Bible. The entire Bible, from the Old Testament to the New Testament, taught me a lot of things that were completely new to me. I learned that evolutionism, which I had accepted since childhood, was no more than a hypothesis. A different theory about the origins of the human species was Creationism. I learned that all men had sinned and all were sinners. We were all slaves of envy, arrogance and selfishness. I learned that we were separated from God because of our sins. I also learned that the history of the people of Israel recorded in the Bible reflected God's plan of salvation.

During these two years, I asked many, many questions. I tried very hard to embrace every new concept with an open heart. However, my reasonings and my prejudices often misled me into wrong paths. For example, I believed that God might exist, but I remained doubtful because I was not able to see Him. Another example: my reasoning made me agree with the theory of sinful nature in the Bible, but I was not able to be convinced that I personally was a sinner.

My painful experience as a summer intern

In summer of 1992, I had a chance to work as an intern in a company in Houston, Texas. It was a chemical company run by Taiwanese people and my job was at their headquarters in Houston. There were Americans as well as people from Taiwan and Hong Kong on the staff. Over those weeks, I witnessed many conflicts: between American colleagues, between Chinese colleagues, between American and Chinese colleagues. Caught up in these company conflicts and the cruel realities of competitiveness, I quickly went under and lost my self-confidence. I had always lived in the idealistic belief that I could reach any goal as long as I worked hard enough. But harsh reality was destroying my long-held idealism. Was working hard really enough? As I stepped into society for the first time in my life, I realized I was supposed to cope with a reality that was far more complicated and cruel than I had been prepared for. How was I supposed to survive in this American society? My field of study was management, but how in the world was I, an innocent Oriental woman, supposed to manage American people in American society? I couldn't even imagine the consequences. I felt lost in my fears about the future and could see no way out...

Then a different kind of fear struck me with even greater force. During those days, for the first time in my life I truly realized that I was a sinner. Nightmares haunted me almost every day. I saw myself engulfed in total darkness and, like a reflection in the mirror, I saw my own true self. What I saw there was nothing but selfishness, greed, malice, hypocricy and arrogance. Over and over again this darkness threatened to push me into a deep pit. I was helpless and I could stand the nightmare no longer. I couldn't cry out but I clearly knew I was in darkness. I was completely desperate. I struggled vainly in a darkness where I could neither find God nor find a way out. I knew I couldn't save myself and I could only cry for help.

I began to call my family and friends, telling them of the darkness and sufferings my soul was going through. I told them how selfish, ugly and hopeless I was. I don't remember how much I spent on long distance phone calls. They all reacted with astonishment, trying to comfort me, but none of them really understood what I was talking about. Every comforting word I heard pierced me even harder and worried me even more. How come there was not a single person in the whole world, including my parents, who could understand my heart and hear what I was saying? I really was a bad and ugly person; why did they keep saying I was all right?

I fell into deeper despair and sufferings. I stopped calling for help; I knew it was useless as there was nobody who could rescue me anyway. I lost interest in doing anything because there was nothing that could solve the problem of my soul. I thought of suicide so that my family and my friends would not have to worry about me any more, but I did not have the courage. Every day I wandered around listlessly. I was envious of the happy faces of others, because I had lost my own ability to laugh.

"Congratulations!"

After I completed my summer internship and went back to Tucson to resume my college study, Huang, one of my classmates, was surprised at my abnormal behavior and called to show his concern. Over the phone I told him of my inner struggles, my depression and despair. He listened quietly right through to the end before he calmly said to me, "Congratulations!"

This took me completely by surprise. He had not only understood what I said, he had congratulated me! He congratulated me because I was finally able to recognize my own ugly and sinful self. Indeed, my arrogant pride in my seemingly righteous self was completely gone and I had recognised that I was a sinner. He told me over the phone that God had said, "When he comes, he will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment." (John 16:8) Huang continued to speak to me using many verses from the Bible. How precious God's words were! Every single one of them fell on my heart like morning dew falling on my thirsty soul.

Huang went on to ask me, "If you feel you are helpless and you believe nobody in the world can save you, why don't you try to get help from God?" At that time, I was like somebody stuck in the mud, willing to grasp at whatever I could lay my hands on. So I agreed. That evening, I became humble for the first time; I kneeled down and prayed to the Lord with eagerness and sincerity: "Oh Lord! If you are real, please help me and save me."

One week went by and gradually I was sensing peace in my heart. Huang called me almost every evening to care for me and guide me. Every time he called, God's words encouraged me so that once again I saw hope and grasped the meaning of life. I said to myself: "I want to accept Jesus Christ as my personal Savior. I want to become God's child."

When I went running into the open arms of the Heavenly Father who had been calling me for so long, for the first time in my life I tasted the peace and joy that come with reconciliation with God and the sweetness that comes from the ministry of the Holy Spirit. It was a peace and a joy beyond expectation, a sweetness beyond human words. I was like a swift bird joyfully telling the world of God's unlimited grace, like a springing brook, eagerly proclaiming to all the source of my joy. I learned from my own unforgettable experience that I would have been no more had it not been for the Lord. My whole life belonged to Him.

My thanks go to Uncle Ye and his mother who prayed at the dinner table. My thanks go to my American teachers who worked away quietly in China and whose lives had attracted me and roused my curiosity about Christianity. My thanks also go to Ton, my Bible teacher, who led me through more than two years of Bible study and who, when I was still ignorant about God, kept encouraging me to become a serious and upright believer. From his simple and happy life I was able to see that the real values in life cannot be equated with material abundance, but with spiritual abundance. I also thank Brother Huang who called to congratulate me when I was in deep despair and directed me to a way of hope. I thank those Christians who, when I was being stubborn and stiff-necked, still patiently tolerated me with love and prayed for me. I specially thank my savior Jesus Christ who touched my life. "He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." (Psalm 23:3-4)

"Amazing Grace, how sweet it is. My sins are forgiven. I was lost but I have now returned; I was blind but now can see." I sincerely wish you also may experience God's grace, and this is my earnest prayer. May the Lord who changed my life also change you!

The author came from Canton. She earned an MBA from the University of Arizona and now she works in Phoenix.