I Used To Be A Feminist

By Lu Ai-ying

Fifty years ago on a quiet night in late fall, in a farmer's hut in a remote mountain village, a baby girl was born. That baby was me - and today I am gray-haired. My mother told me I was the third girl-baby in the family and that my father nearly gave me away, but he didn't after all. I was raised like a boy. I wore boy's clothes and a boy's hair style. Whenever I went into the public toilet, the girls would scream and run to the teachers shouting that a boy was invading the girls' room... As I grew up, I started to realize how odd I looked. The girls typically wore colorful hairstyles and had pretty clothes and shoes, whereas I remained bald-headed and bare-footed, with a dirty face to match. It was only when I began to protest and even threatened to quit school that my parents agreed to restore my female identity. Even so it was too late. I had already developed a tough and aggressive personality like a boy's.

My childhood went by quickly, and then very soon, too, my student days came to an end and I had to start to make a living. This was the era dominated by the waving of red flags and exalting of model workers. The slogan Women can carry half the sky was blazoned everywhere. I was elected as a model for half the sky! Before I knew it, I had been pushed onto the political center stage, acting the part of a militant feminist. I was very active among government officials and business people. Arrogance, over-confidence and aggressiveness characterised me wherever I went and I was caught up in an excess of vanity. No matter what happened, I could never settle for being anything less than the best. During those days, I came into direct conflict with a colleague who was of the same rank as me. We played politics against each other day and night and finally I won. I was elected a model worker at the provincial level. I felt great! On the day of the celebration ceremony, my adversary came to me wearing a big smile and gave me a very expensive gift. As she walked away, however, she muttered, "Let's just wait and see!"

Before the heat of celebration had cooled down, in mid-August 1989 the State Department issued an anti-corruption memo. All government officials were to go through thorough anti-corruption screenings. Here was a great opportunity for my rival. She immediately went to the provincial capital city and accused me because I owned a private house. A special investigation group was immediately formed and I was suspended from all political duties. In one day, the former popular feminist became a suspect under investigation and a person nobody dared to approach. It was not until one year later that the special investigation group came to the conclusion that I was innocent. All my political power was restored, but I had been greatly hurt... I made up my mind to get revenge.

Then something dreadful happened. My husband returned from America in poor health and the doctors diagnosed cancer! The news hit me like a thunder-bolt. My husband requested that I would personally care for him during his medical treatment. We spent all our savings but we still could not save his life. He died on August 16, 1995. Before he departed from this world, he wept and said something he had never said before: He asked that rather than being the strong feminist involved in political power struggles, that I should go to America to visit our daughter. With great sadness I promised to do as he wished.

I returned from the cemetery, conscious that I would never see my husband again. My loving and caring husband! For the first time in my life, I felt weak and aware that I was no longer able to make myself strong. So I did what my husband had wished me to do. I accepted my daughter's invitation, obtained my passport and visa, and submitted my retirement application. I went to the cemetery and bade farewell to my husband. Then, broken-hearted, I flew to America.

Oh, America! How broad your sky and your land! But apart from my daughter and my son-in-law, I knew nobody. Like a tiny boat afloat on the deep ocean, I spent my days in fear, loneliness, depression and nostalgia, and with a sense of deep alienation All these feelings completely obliterated my strong feminism. Every day I washed my face with tears. Oh, how miserable I was! who was there to understand me? Oh, how lonely I was! who could keep me company? Later I moved to Michigan along with my daughter and her family. A Christian man employed me to care for his 90-year-old mother. On the evening of the first weekend, he took me to church and I was made very welcome. I knew Christians were all very good people, so with some curiosity I began observing their behavior. The church people really cared for me and I was deeply impressed by their integrity. They were very sincere, unselfish, willing to help and show comfort. I had lost my husband's love, but in the church I gained another kind of love, an everlasting love.

One day as I was cleaning the library room, I was attracted to a Bible; it dazzled my eyes like shafts of sunlight. I picked it up, sat down on the couch and began to read. From that day on, the Bible became my constant companion. At first I couldn't understand a single word of it, but I gradually gained in understanding. The verses about the woman of noble character in Proverbs Chapter 32 were like mirrors through which I saw my dirty self. I began to re-evaluate my actions over the past dozens of years. Then finally on April 3, 1997, with a joyful heart I stepped out on to the pathway of eternal life. I was determined to take up my cross, to wipe dry my tears and to walk with the Lord toward my eternal heavenly home. Today, I am happy and joyful the whole day long. I read the Bible and pray with thanksgiving every day. There is a song which always echoes in my heart:

I am no longer a lonely boat drifting before the wind;

My Lord - Jesus Christ - steers me on the right course.

Wind, thunderstorm, snow storm and frost, have all afflicted me;

My Lord - Jesus Christ - He cares for me and heals me.

The author came from Mainland China. She now lives in Michigan.