Dancing In the Light

By Xiao Zi

Inside the small room I was standing in total darkness. Outside the sun was shining brightly and a beam of light filtered into the room through a crack between the door and the doorframe. There were dust particles dancing in its brightness. But apart from this one beam of light all else was total darkness...

I moved over a little to let the light to fall into my eyes. All at once everything else I had been looking at disappeared. I could see neither the small room nor the beam of light. Instead, through the crack between the door and the doorframe, I saw green leaves waving gently on a tree outside the door. Behind the green leaves, far beyond them, was the sun. What a difference it makes when you face straight into the light instead of observing it from a distance...

From Meditations in a Small Room, by C. S. Lewis.

I used to be that person standing in the dark room. God's Word could only enter my room through the narrow crack between the door and the doorframe.

I was quietly aware of the beam of light. I could see the dust particles dancing.

When I was a very small child, my preschool teacher taught us The Internationale:

There is no world savior; we rely neither on gods nor kings...

In those days I was a bright little girl and a good theatrical performer. My teacher really liked the scornful look on my face when we sang that song.

Then I grew up into a student in thick glasses lugging a heavy school bag. Again and again I would finish off my exam paper with the classical conclusion: Religion is the spiritual opium of the people.

I grew up some more and became a college student. Stepping out of my ivory tower I walked into a world which seemed chaotic. I remember once a few of us wearing trendy clothes went on an outing with our foreign teacher. Lying on the lawn, the teacher pointed a Coke bottle at us and said:

"Don't believe in any religion. Christians are the most hypocritical of the lot. They put Saint Paul's picture on their desks and then turn it upside down while they make love."

Every weekend, I went to the movie theater with my boyfriend. The movies were full of screams and sighs; all priests were wicked and all Christians were stupid.

I put up colored lights in my dark room; they were red and green, graceful and elegant. The light beam coming in through the crack between the door and the doorframe was pale and weak.

I was attracted by my own shadow, by the flickering light of candles.

Waking up

Life is nothing but a dream. When the curtain falls, all that follows is a lonely bitter smile that like a persistent evening shower brings nothing with it and simply washes away a lot of the makeup.

Finally the colored lights died and my world went back to total darkness.

The pale light could only expose the specks of dirt on the floor.

I was hurrying along the corridor of the academic building when he stopped me:

"You're looking a bit down," he said to me.

I was silent. People continued to stream past us.

"Try praying. He will hear you," he said earnestly.

"Thanks for your kind thought. But I don't believe in all that," I rejected his suggestion and drew back into the crowd.

How much darkness could that beam of light overcome?

I was lying on my cold bed in a drunken stupor. My heart was broken and my nerves torn to shreds. I cried out in despair:

"Oh Lord! Do you really exist? Do you really exist? Answer me! If you refuse to answer me, then I will perish in this darkness!"

I was unconscious for three days and three nights. Then I woke up and walked over to the balcony. There was the familiar world below me.

In spite of the noisy traffic and the crowds, I had a sense of deep peace.

Then I heard a voice:

"Come and follow me. You will be healed."

Hesitatingly, I stepped out into the beam of light.

The dust was gone. In that world of light there were birds singing, and beautiful flowers bloomed.

True details

I was sitting in the corner of a room at the church, listening sceptically to testimonies of several young Christian women.

"Everything happened according to God's plan! It was just wonderful!" They seemed really excited.

I could take no more.

"I believe that God exists as a part of a great world religion," I interrupted, "But isn't it going a bit far to say that God is present in every detail of your life?"

They stared blankly at me and I felt irritated.

Isn't a world without light pretty much the same as a dark room?

After the church service I got ready to return to the campus. But I was running late and before I got to the station the last bus had already left. I did not have enough money on me for a cab. So I boarded another bus that was going to a small township a couple of miles from the campus. On arrival I intended to walk the two miles, but I felt a bit scared since I would have to walk all alone. Anxiously I said a prayer. On raising my head, I discovered that the bus had changed its route and had delivered me right to the campus!

As there was only the one passenger on the bus, the driver had decided to go to a restaurant near the campus for a snack.

On another evening a friend and I went hiking in the hills and got lost in the woods. It was dark and we could not figure out where to go. We sat down and prayed before groping our way out. Finally we were able to get out of the woods.

The next day we went up into the hills again and found the spot where we had got lost. A piece of clothing we had lost was hanging on a tree. Only a few yards away was a sheer cliff.

Dancing in the light

So finally I finally opened one window after another and one room after another. With no hindrances, the light was able to come pouring in.

That little light beam is gone now, because now my whole room is filled with light.

The light is gentle, like water. If you are willing to open up, it will come flowing in.

The light is beautiful like a song. It brings with it liberty; you may sing, you may dance.

The light is good.

Walk out into the light!

The author came from Shanghai. After earning a Master's degree in English literature, she worked as an English professor in college. Now she lives in England as a full-time mother.