Is this kind of love realistic, however? How are we supposed to build our marriage so that we are one living together in love?

Tolstoy once had a famous saying: "All happy marriages are alike and all unhappy marriages are different."

These verses tell us that God created the heavens and the earth and everything on it before He created woman to help man. While describing husband and wife becoming one, the verses quoted above use three verbs: to leave, to unite, and to become one. Similar words can be found in Matthew Chapter 19 and Ephesians Chapter 5. These three verbs are indicative of the Biblical principles of marriage.

What does it mean to leave father and mother? And why?

Suppose for a moment that a married man, incapable of managing his own life and hesitant in making decisions, relies on his parents to make all kinds of plans for him. What will the consequence be?

I know of an overseas student who had been spoiled in her childhood. After she came to America, her mother continued to tell her what to eat and what to wear through long-distance phone calls. When she was about to have a boy friend, her mother commanded her who to get acquainted with and who not to get acquainted with. In effect, her mother remotely controlled her and treated her as an immature little girl. This continued into her marriage.

In Los Angeles I know of another young couple. Although the wife already earned a Ph.D. degree, she still ran back to her mother and asked for help whenever a disagreement broke out between her and her husband. Her mother often taught her tricks in dealing with her husband and the problems with her husband simply worsened. Mei Yun-qing, the heroine in the TV series The Fatal Debt, and head of the sales department of a state-run enterprise, could not help running back to her mother and cried when she heard that her husband had had a daughter when he was an educated settler in Yunnan Province. These women's reactions to domestic crises are direct results of a psychological effect in which they never really leave their parents after marriage. David Mace, a marriage counselor, once said: "There are no unhappy marriages in the world. There are immature couples."

To leave is to learn the lesson of independence. Marriage is about a mature man and a mature woman beginning to live together and to face life time issues together. Not only do they have to be physically mature, they have to be psychologically mature all the more. They must be able to show responsibility for their own acts; they must be able to overcome difficulties together and to cope with conflicts together. As adults, they must learn to act rather than to react.

Some may say that their parents have treated them really well since their childhood and they will never want to leave them after marriage. In fact, to leave is not to betray. It does not necessarily mean not to live with them either. To leave is to cut off the umbilical cord after marriage and to be mature adults with no dependency on their parents. We must obey and respect our parents more than ever after marriage. Indeed, if we become parents ourselves, we will appreciate our own parents even more. However, if we as married couples live with our own parents, we must respect our parents while learning to rely on ourselves to make our own decisions.

Parents who come to visit their children overseas must also have a similar understanding: we as parents must learn to let go. In their little family, we must understand that our children are now the host and hostess and we are the guests. Although we used to feed our kids baby food and change their diapers, our kids are now married after all and we as the older generation should step down to the position of an advisor rather than acting like the main characters. Perhaps children may have problems from time to time; but just as kids learn to walk, they will never learn without stumbling and tripping. As parents, we must observe them and give them support rather than holding them in our hands and walking for them.

To leave also means to walk away from the wounds we suffered as we grew up.

If parents often quarreled, then chances are their kids are also quarrelsome. If parents are alcoholic, then it is likely that their kids also rely on alcohol to ease their tension. But young people must leave behind any negative impact from parents. They should also make sure that all tragedies that happened to their parents should not happen to them again, nor should they make the same kind of mistakes their parents used to make. If they do not leave, then the shadow of their past will creep into their marriage and into the marriages of their children. Then you will really have a sad story to tell.

One may ask how the two with different background can manage to become united.

A successful marriage is for the man and the woman from different directions to get acquainted, to get to know each other, to love each other, to walk close to each other and to reach common understanding; then they are united at their wedding. From then on, the two of them become more like one both physically and spiritually. Together they walk the path of life; together they suffer and together they enjoy. They are indivisible and they are dependent on each other. The shape of the letter Y is indicative of their relationship.

It is pitiful, however, that reality contains many marriages like the shape of the letter X: the man and the woman from different directions fail to converge after marriage. They are unwilling to give up their old life style, their old temper and their old point of views. They fail to adapt and they have to walk their own ways. They have different dreams on the same bed.

It takes a learning process for an individual to leave his or her parents and to be united with his or her spouse. To unite indicates that one must make the commitment to become one with the other. This is a kind of willful commitment.

The relationship among a married couple is the most important inter-personal relationship of all except for their relationship with God.

Some may ask: "Can the relationship between husband and wife be more important than their relationship with parents, or with brothers and sisters, or with best friends? Indeed it is. As soon as husband and wife make their marriage covenant in front of God, they must make up their mind not to be influenced by other people or affairs, be it parents, children, money, schooling, career or life style. It is only when the couple live in unity and enjoy harmony can their relationships with their parents and children be improved. On the contrary, if the couple do not enjoy a good relationship but instead they focus too much on their own parents, then parents will become obstacles for the couple. Likewise, if a wife pours all her love to their little baby, and their little baby alone, then problems will also occur as the husband will feel alienated.

Having come abroad, many couples hurriedly arrange their parents to come to live with them. While they do this with good intention, these arrangement do not always pay off if the couple do not have a stable and durable relationship within them or they lack mutual understanding and trust, as disputes may occur between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law or between father-in-law and son-in-law and the couple may helplessly get stuck in the middle of the disputes and be accused by both sides no matter what they do. We see similar cases on occasions when couples are to provide monetary support to their parents.

Indeed there are a lot of obstacles that prevent husband and wife from becoming one. Nevertheless, what God has united is not to be separated by man. This is what the Bible tells us. With this principle in mind, we must realize that all problems between husband and wife, no matter how serious they are, are solvable after all. If we attempt to escape from the problems through separation, then we in effect give up our willful mind. This would be very unfortunate. We can rely on God's grace and power to forgive each other and to accept each other. When problems occur, we must have a common understanding and find solutions to these problems.

Becoming one flesh is a unique revelation of the Bible that differs from any other moralistic teachings. How can husband and wife become one flesh? How can the two different personalities become bone of bones and flesh of flesh? Indeed, it is possible for husband and wife to become one flesh because we are able to become one with God, in which I live in God and God lives in me.

It is a common phenomenon among Christians that tensions between husband and wife typically arise when the couple are too busy in their research, career and children to spend time praying and studying the Bible. If Christians walk away from God, then it will be a dead end for them to attempt to deal with domestic problems based on their own sentiment, habit and temperament. Every Christian must first of all become one with God. We must allow God's words and God's love to come into our heart. It is not until husband and wife "mix themselves with the truth of the Word like clay in the hands of the potter", can they really become one flesh. The closer they are to God, the closer they are to each other. It is analogous to an equilateral triangle.

It is a mistake for married couples to abandon their mutual appreciation and mutual love they so enjoyed before marriage. In fact, married couples should more willingly express their own feelings, happy or unhappy, to each other. In the process of doing this, they can hope to adjust their own interest and habit and learn to adapt each other. We must realize that wedding is but a commencement ceremony of love. Husband and wife must learn to motivate each other in their thinking, their sentiment, their opinion and their habit. Not only should the two of them have to cooperate, they can also live with their own individuality. So there is individuality in cooperation, and there is cooperation in individuality.

Charles Sell had such a saying about a married couple: When a man and a woman are making a covenant to become husband and wife in front of the holy altar, they should not expect to receive a finished house from God. Quite contrary, what they receive from God is a bunch of building materials. I sincerely wish that all Chinese scholars at home and abroad will completely destroy their old selves and will share a common vision in building their nest of love that will endure forever and ever.

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