On this Rock

By Wang Bing

Insomnia

In September 1991 I left France for Canada to continue my studies. Soon after I arrived in Montreal I went to the Christian Evangelical Church. I went there because I was told that some young people in that church had regular badminton activities. Another reason I went to the church was that I hoped I might find a girl friend there as many people had told me that young Christian women were quite special. I liked singing and I liked listening to hymns too, but I did not like to listening to sermons. I felt that sin had nothing to do with me because I didn't see myself as a sinner. Sermons made me feel so uncomfortable that I often found an excuse to slip out of the church service. At that time I was very busy with my studies because I was taking four courses in one semester - so I had a perfect excuse.

Between September 1991 and Christmas of that year, I ran into a lot of problems: besides my heavy study load, I found myself facing financial crises, passport and visa problems, and even emotional setbacks, all happening at once. I often felt depressed. During the Christmas vacation I began to rely on mahjong as an escape. I remember clearly that one evening I drank eight cups of coffee to keep myself awake playing mahjong. At first I won, but then the caffeine seemed to lose its magic and I lost all my money.

During this period I had become so tense that by the time the new semester began in January I was beginning to suffer from insomnia. At first I didn't take this very seriously and still kept on with all four courses till the end of the semester. But by then my whole body was on the point of collapse. Sometimes I was awake for three or four days in a row. My memory was deteriorating and I was suffering severe headaches. I had lost weight and my face had turned a dark gray. In the end I could no longer carry out lab research, nor pull myself together to prepare for the qualifying exam in September of 1992. I had to temporarily quit school.

During this time I went to work in a grocery store owned by one of my Taiwanese friends. The job brought me some income and it also gave me a chance for physical exercise through which I hoped to recover from the insomnia. Most people do not realize how painful it is to be deprived of sleep. One of my good friends said to me, "It is a good thing you cannot sleep; you can get a lot of things done. I can never finish what I want to do because I often fall asleep." I didn't know how to explain it to him. Later on I stopped even trying to explain because nobody would understand anyway. There was only one person who truly sympathized with me and that was the wife of the grocery store owner. She used to suffer from insomnia in Taiwan and she had even attempted suicide three times. Following her last attempt, she had been sent to a mental hospital.

It was as if I was leading a life in hell. I nearly decided to become a monk. I used to practice Buddhist and Taoist qigong. In the past I had experienced a kind of super-scientific and supernatural power, and I used to cure my own ailments through using qigong. I hoped I could free myself from my spiritual and physical sufferings by training myself to be a Buddhist monk. But in the end I didn't go down that path because I didn't want to disappoint my parents who had endured so many humiliations during the Cultural Revolution and had raised us through tears and sufferings, in the hope that we would have a bright future.

A sick person often thinks about life-related issues because wealth, academic degrees and everything else seem meaningless when you are sick.

The two pieces of news in the paper

In October 1992 I came across two pieces of news in the paper which got me really thinking. One of them appeared in Globe and Mail in October, reporting serious damage to the ozone layer above Antarctica which had developed a huge hole the size of North America. Ultraviolet rays penetrating the hole were seriously threatening plant and animal life on earth. Some animals had already been found to have cataracts. This damage was caused by the ever worsening environmental pollution of the past twenty years. The ozone layer is to the earth as skin is to our bodies. If our skin fails, all kinds of diseases can attack us. At that time I felt a sense of deep despair. Here we were carrying out scientific research but what we had accomplished had simply shortened the earth's life. Our hands were stained with the blood of our offspring.

The other piece of news was that some Korean Christians were claiming that October 28 of 1992 would be the world's last day. This piece of news aroused my strong curiosity about Christianity. I had read the Bible before and I remembered that Jesus had said that nobody knew when he was going to come again, nobody except God. So why had these believers come up with a specific date? Why were they ignoring the teachings of the Lord and trusting their religious leaders instead? Wasn't it both interesting and tragic? At that time I didn't believe in Jesus. I had read the Bible all right, but I treated it as a book of philosophy. Many researchers in physics were also into philosophy. My other reason for reading the Bible was that the Bible was the foundation of western culture, and I needed a good grasp of western culture if I was to settle down in North America. Wasn't that a good enough reason to read the Bible?

At that time I was very arrogant. I didn't have much respect for Christians, whom I regarded as a bunch of weak and pitiable individuals. For example, before I had started suffering insomnia, a Korean Ph.D. student who shared an office with me had tried to preach the Gospel to me. We often argued about philosophy, human life, the future and God. He failed to persuade me but in the end he said, "Please do believe. It is better to believe than to not believe." To this I replied, "I disagree. I'd rather be a real non-Christian than a phony Christian. Don't you know it is written in the Bible that future judgment starts with Christians?" He said he didn't know this. So I told him, "Then you should study the Bible a bit better before you come preaching to me again." So you can see how arrogant I was. But this brother went on to say something rather interesting, "You will become a Christian sooner or later." "No way!" I replied firmly. Later he heard that I had been baptized and when we met again we all had a good laugh.

I was so concerned about the ozone layer problem that I called one of my best Christian friends to initiate a discussion about it. According to my understanding, churches were supposed to care for society and participate in philanthropy. The next day my friend and I had a long talk, and this was the beginning of a new self-humbling in me. As a science student, I knew that certain catastrophic events were likely to occur and I knew that the Bible also prophesied these things would happen. But deep in my heart there was darkness and I saw my future as nothing but darkness. In my Christian friend, however, I sensed a faith and a light in regard to his future. For the first time in my life I bowed my head before God; I was willing to learn, with a receptive heart, if there was a true creator and I was willing to find out if life did have eternal value. I still remember the image of my Christian friend, humble, slow to talk and willing to listen, but his tangible and unshakable faith and deep compassion meant I could not continue to deny the reality of his God. He prepared a simple but delicious dinner for me. Before we ate, he said a very simple prayer, "Oh Lord, you know what Wang Bing is yearning for. I pray that you grant it to him."

For the next three or four days my heart was filled with joy. Whenever I looked at myself in the mirror I saw my own smiling face. I felt I was looking for a rock on which I could build my life, although I didn't really know for sure if that rock was Jesus Christ.

The mother who seeks her child

Then new problems arose. Even if God existed, which god was the true god? In the past I had practiced Buddhist qigong and I had even cured my own sicknesses. My mother was also a believer in Buddhism. Buddhism seemed closer to me than other religions. Besides, even the Jews didn't believe in Jesus. Why should we believe Jesus was the only savior? In the end, I decided to go to church to find answers to my questions.

Things were very different this time when I went back to church. While previously I had intentionally stayed away from church, now on a Sunday I tried to seize every opportunity to debate with every Christian I could find. I was not satisfied with any of the answers I got till the pastor once said to me, "Oh Mr. Wang, nobody can turn you into a Christian. But one thing is certain. If there is a Creator who created mankind and the universe, then He must have a way of communicating with mankind. The Bible says: 'For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.' (Mt. 7:8) If you pray sincerely, I guarantee you will find Him. I suggest you pray." I found his words quite logical: If God had created mankind, He would certainly have a way to communicate with them. He would certainly have love, for Einstein said, "There is no bad intention behind creation."

So I went home and began to pray. I was a stubborn person, but my prayers were sincere enough. Every morning and every evening I kneeled down. "Oh Lord, the Creator. If you really exist, please let me know about you. Let me understand if our life does have eternal meaning or if it is simply leading us on to the grave after all our labor in this world is over? If you do exist, please let me know which religion represents the truth."

I didn't pray in the name of Jesus because I didn't believe in Jesus. However, before I sincerely began to seek, He was already at work. When a child is lost, he will sooner or later find his mother. It is not that the child is good at finding his mother, but before he starts looking, his mother has already started looking for him. Before he starts crying for his mother, all his relatives, friends and even the police have already been mobilized. So sooner or later they will find the child as long as he doesn't go and hide somewhere.

The maze of fantasy

At the same time that I had begun to pray, I was also delving into Buddhist books as well as the Bible. In fact I read Buddhist books more than I read the Bible because Buddhism had had a larger impact on me than Christianity had. I was also skeptical about the Bible because I had believed in many other things in the past and they had all turned out to be different to what they had claimed to be.

But, praise the Lord! I did finally walk out of the shadow of Buddhism in spite of all the Buddhist books I had been reading. I was not an expert on Buddhism and didn't want to critique it. But from my own research and personal involvement, I realized that Buddhism was not absolute truth. Unfortunately, after Sakyamuni many other people had written Buddhist sutra and these sutra were very different from Sakyamuni with his selflessness and his rejection of idols. A theory that required constant modification could never be absolute truth. I had practiced a little bit of Buddhist, Taoist and Hindu qigong and they had all provided me with a certain power. But the biggest danger of pursuing mysterious experiences is that such experiences can turn out to be illusions. The fantasy was wonderful, but pursuing fantasy can lead us out into the wastes of the desert.

So once again I came back to the Bible and immediately Jesus' word came to me: "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:6) He was either true God or a big trickster. So I went to the library resolved to challenge him and started to investigate many Biblical prophecies and how they stood up against historical events. I also regularly studied the Bible. One day I was reading John Chapter 8, which told the story of Jesus and an accused woman who had committed adultery. I was greatly moved. The Pharisees had taken this woman to Jesus and asked Him what they should do to someone like her. According to the law the woman was supposed to be stoned to death. But Jesus said, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." At this, those who heard began to leave one by one, starting with the older ones. Then Jesus said to the woman, "Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin."

In this story I sensed a love that was not human in origin. It was a love that transcended mankind. Those from mainland China knew all too clearly that wrongdoings, especially adultery-related wrongdoings, were always clearly recorded in an individual's dossier. When it came to performance evaluations, these were commonly used as source material for endless humiliations and personal attacks. Those who had done something wrong would carry that burden for the rest of their life and there was nobody who would take the responsibility of wiping it out. These Bible verses, however, demonstrated the love and nature of Jesus and prompted me to continue reading. When I read about His life, how He treated His disciples and especially His sacrifice on the cross, I realized that He did it all in complete honesty and selflessness. I could see no falsehood or malice either in what He said or what He did. Doing one good deed is not at all difficult, but it is close to impossible for someone to continually do good things with complete honesty and selflessness.

The bee that cannot be fooled

We all want to pursue what is good, true and lovely. It is very dangerous and disillusioning to discover something which is good and lovely but which turns out to be false. A bunch of plastic flowers may look pretty and they are almost as good as real ones for decorating your home. But bees never come to them because plastic flowers do not have life. Bees cannot be fooled, or they would starve to death.

What should we do so that, like the bees, we will not be fooled?

Does the Bible tell the truth? After a period of painful struggle I finally accepted it as true. Intellectually, I was not able to completely understand and accept Jesus Christ, but deep in my heart I found it hard to reject the truth and love in Jesus' personality. If there was an eternal kingdom, only people like Jesus would be qualified to lead it. In fact people like Jesus would be the only ones who would qualify to enter it, otherwise the selfish people, if they were allowed in as well, would start fighting each other again and the kingdom would quickly turn into hell. My inner struggle was a tough experience. Although Jesus had clearly made a deep impact in my heart, I still hesitated because I was worried that I might be fooled again. I had been fooled before, and now I kept asking myself if I might get fooled again? Even so, I heard a voice deep in my heart, "This is the true way. You must walk on it. This is the one you have been looking for." I finally made up my mind: "Jesus is truly worth seeking after. I should devote my life to Him." Since then I have started to pray in His name and one after another my prayers have been answered.

I threw away all the medications

One of my most tangible experiences, after I accepted the Lord Jesus, was that on my baptism, God cured my insomnia. Interestingly, God didn't cure me for quite a while even though I had prayed much both before and after I accepted Jesus; but He did it right after I was baptized. I believed the Lord had a plan to guide me into His salvation. If He had allowed the miracle to happen to me earlier, I wouldn't have known which god had helped me in this way.

The first thing I did after I accepted Jesus was to pray about my health. I had wasted a lot of money getting medical treatment from both western medicine and Chinese medicine. On the advice of my friends, I had even gone out camping for a change of environment. But my illness continued to haunt me. So now I came to God and prayed, "Oh Jesus, if you cure my insomnia, I will certainly follow you and be a good disciple." My prayer was sincere enough, but God still delayed His answer. Once I called the contact person of a large evangelistic crusade on television and asked them to pray for me. Still nothing happened.

I asked God, "Oh Lord, why don't you cure me? Are you not the one full of compassion?" But then I came to understand that it was more important to come to know eternal things and the truth of life than simply to pursue after miracles and health. Matthew Chapter 7 mentioned that there would be people coming to the Lord Jesus in the future and calling Him Lord, "Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?" To this Jesus would clearly reply: "I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!" (Mt. 7:22-23) These words were quite a shock to me. What was most important of all? Was it to receive His grace and get my illness cured, or was it to act according to His will and inherit eternity? So I changed my prayer: "Oh Lord, if you don't cure me, that's O.K.. I want to know your way of life, and I want to know the truth. But I will appreciate it more if you cure me because my illness really does cause me a lot of pain."

It was not until August 14, 1993 that I was baptized. With a heart of complete repentance in front of everyone and before God, I confessed all my sins of watching sex movies in Paris, of hatred, disbelief, arrogance and selfishness. As I emerged from the water, the pastor laid his hand on me and prayed, while I wept. Then all of a sudden I discovered that my whole soul and body had been renewed! I returned home and, in a simple act of faith, I threw away all my medications. I started to improve every day and was able to complete my Ph.D. dissertation. If the Lord had cured me upon my first prayer, I would not have become a true Christian. I would have prayed with tears, "Oh Lord. I'm truly grateful!" Then I would have thrown my whole self, body, time and soul, back into the lab again. I might have had good health, but I would have lost eternal life.

I have often shared this saying with my friends, "Believing in the Lord is like a dumb person eating honey." He tastes the sweetness but he cannot describe it. We Christians ourselves are our testimonies.

The author graduated from the University of Lanzhou and received his M.S. degree in nuclear physics from Modern Physics Department in the Science Institute of China in 1988. Later he did research in nuclear physics in the GANIL National Lab in France. He also earned a Ph.D. degree in medical imaging technology from the University of McGill in Canada.