Rebuilding My Home

By Ping

In September 1994, I finally obtained my visa after five tries. With a heavy heart, I waved goodbye to my son, my parents and my sister and boarded the airplane to Detroit, U.S.A. Once in the airplane I began to calm down and, my thoughts in turmoil, gazed out at the endless expanse of cloud outside the window. I was supposed to be re-uniting with my husband in America, but why did I feel as if I was both leaving home and losing my home?

We had married six years ago, and before our marriage we had had a lot of fun together. At that time I was a young lecturer in college. Tall and energetic, I participated in all kinds of activities. A group of us young folks often got together, dancing and skiing and having a great time. He was the most caring and dependable of them all. What attracted me even more was the warmheartedness of his parents. Our life after marriage, however, became boring. We had personality conflicts which quickly resulted in endless quarrels. After our child was born I spent all my energy and love on him. Then when our son was two years old my husband went abroad. Over the next three years, in spite of the difficulties of the times, I raised the child almost single-handedly. Although my mother-in-law helped, I still felt exhausted from having to work both at my teaching job and on caring for him. Raising a child was difficult, but I also tasted the joys of love. From childhood, I had been so used to the compliments and love of my teachers and coaches that I was very proud of myself, even in front of my husband. Now that I was going to meet him again, I sincerely hoped that I would be able to start really caring for him and to make up for the hard time I had given him before. I was also hoping that I would be able get back into studies, and that my son could join us here soon so that we could rebuild our home in America!

He met me at the Detroit airport, our first meeting in three years. I was getting ready to tell him what I had been through, but his first words were completely unexpected. "How come you look so old?" he asked. I was very conscious of how much I had changed, but I was still startled to hear such unsympathetic words from him. My heart went cold. Over the next few days I began to realize what different worlds we had both been living in. He was a Ph.D. candidate; I was nothing. When he was home we often quarreled. He criticized me for my broken English and my inability to drive. I was completely humiliated in front of him. Unnable to stand all his accusations, I would counter-attack, then we would both end up feeling hurt. When he was not at home, I often found tears trickling down my cheeks as I did the household chores. Sometimes I left the door wide open, as if I was about to run away from my dark prison. But outside the door I could only see a couple of huge dumpsters and strange scary faces. I quickly slammed the door shut and continued to spend my days in fear, tears, humiliation and anger. My home had become a prison to me and I had nowhere to go. After eight months had gone by I was nearly out of my mind. Every day our conflicts intensified. Then one day when things were particularly bad I left home. I had not dared to leave home, but this place was no home to me!

I left home with nothing

I had no home, no working skills, no money, no independent identity, no English, no means of transportation, nowhere to go, and I did not know where I was heading. One of my former college classmates found a restaurant job for me in a different state. A few weeks before I had had occasion to get to know a few Christians and on the day before I boarded the Greyhound bus, one of my Christian friends called me. She was concerned for me and asked if I would like to pray with her over the phone. This was the first time I heard the name of Jesus Christ; it was also my first prayer.

I worked in the restaurant for two months before going back to Detroit where I could go to school. I still had nowhere to live. So my Christian friend arranged that I should stay with her. She taught me English. Every day after breakfast she read the Bible to me, and every Sunday she took me to church. She also prayed for me whenever I had a job interview. I didn't understand anything about Christianity and had no interest in it either. I felt it was a waste of time anyway. But I was very interested in the people in the church. I felt they were full of peace and joy and the church community was like a warm family.

A month later, my Christian friend found a job for me. It was a live-in job and I was supposed to care for an old American lady. The job required that I could drive a car. So my friend gave me intensive training and her husband helped too. It was already ten o'clock when he came home from his weekly prayer meeting, but he immediately took me out in his car and we hit the road, not getting back till midnight. The next morning he got up at six as usual to go to work. That evening as I lay in bed I asked myself, "Why do these Christians love me so much?" Some people said that they had nothing better to do. But if I had had nothing better to do, I still wouldn't have treated a stranger like one of my family members!

I switched my live-in jobs several times. I still had no place I could call home, and I made a real effort to get used to the lifestyle and work in different families. Time and again, however, I found myself leaving a family, all by myself and carrying my one piece of luggage to drive my old granddaddy car on to another family I knew nothing about. My heart would overflow with tears.

Toward the end of 1995, my mother-in-law came to America bringing my son with her. We longed to live together, but I was under tremendous financial pressure and I didn't even have a home for him. My mother-in-law didn't want us to get too close so I had to separate from him. I was so full of pain, of memories, grievances and anger that my heart ached and my ears tingled.

I managed to obtain a student visa, so I went back to school while still keeping on with my job. During summer vacation a Christian brother offered to help me read the Bible covering one chapter every day. I agreed. So during the day I worked and at night I read the Gospels. That summer I finished all the Gospels. I learned a lot about faith, salvation and eternity, yet I still couldn't understand a single word. But since I was seeking a home and love, I did understand the love in these books. I understood God's love and I realized that Christians loved because they had God's love, otherwise they would not have had that kind of love. For the first time in my life I was experiencing unconditional love in these Christians. And from the Gospels I learned to listen to God's word. I began to love people, even my enemies. From that time on I did not complain so much and I felt much better. When I divorced my husband at the end of 1996, I had not the slightest hatred in my heart.

Have you ever loved?

On May 16, 1997, I went to an evangelistic musical program at the church. The program's theme was Where can we find true love? I was deeply moved by the music. When they were singing the last song Come Home, the projector showed a picture of Jesus cradling the lost sheep in His wounded hands.. I felt I was one of those sheep and I couldn't help weeping. The Lord Jesus had found me through His love and He had prepared a lovely home for me. I wanted to go home! When the pastor issued a call at the end, I raised my hand and accepted the Lord.

At the end of June of that year, Rev. Tang led an evangelistic outreach in Detroit. The theme was Rebuilding our souls. He said that our body was made from the dust of the earth, its chemical components no different from mud's, but our souls came from God's breath of life. When we believed in the Lord and our spirit awakened, we received God's eternal life so that we adopted God's world outlook as opposed to the outlook of the world. It suddenly dawned on me that I should examine myself from a new angle. Sitting there I asked myself, "Have you ever loved?" I had always thought I was the victim of my husband's carelessness and contempt because I believed he was supposed to love me. Now as the Holy Spirit shed his light on me I realized I had never loved anyone; I had been the one who hurt others. I also asked myself: "Have you ever expressed gratitude to your mother-in-law who helped you raise your child all those years?" For the first time in my life, I realized I was a sinner. Tears kept flowing down my cheeks and I was full of remorse. Then a Christian sister who sat behind me took me to the front and we prayed to God to ask for His forgiveness. Then came the miracle. When I confessed my sins, hate left me and in came the love of God.

When I got home I wrote a letter to my mother-in-law offering my apologies and gratitude. I wrote to them every month despite the fact that they never wrote to me. I also called them and asked about my child. Not long ago I even called my ex-husband and congratulated him on his new marriage. I did all this, not with reluctance, but out of God's love. I did it with peace and joy of heart.

I was baptized on November 1, 1997. Completely buried in the water, I bade farewell to my old selfishness and arrogance. Rising from the water, I determined to live in the resurrected life of Jesus. I was full of joy because I was able to take off my old dirty clothes and put on the clean white robe that the Lord Jesus was bestowing on me.

The following few months have witnessed a tremendous transformation in my life. First, my inner wound has been completely healed and I no longer feel its pain. The wound I had suffered in the past was so heart-breaking that it had become like an infectious disease I didn't have the courage to confront; I didn't even want to mention it to other people. The love I had received from other people made me feel warm, but it failed to cure me completely. But when I confess my sin to the Lord, his love sanctifies my inner self so that I am completely cured. Now I have no more pain and I have been restored to spiritual health and liberty.

Secondly, I experience peace, joy and love from the Lord Jesus. Believing in the Lord Jesus makes me feel so real that I am able to concentrate on my study and on my work. My self-confidence has also returned. Not only can I accept myself as I am, but I begin to like other people as well. Not only do I feel happy in myself, I am also willing to care for others. As I think less of myself, I also experience the joy of a rich life.

Thirdly, my world outlook has changed. I used to focus so much on my personal abilities and accomplishments that I often felt threatened by other people's achievements and felt humiliated when others were better than me. My prayers were also limited to asking God for materialistic favors such as my job, tuition and car. Now, however, I enjoy my relation with God more than anything else.

In the past I was not capable of enjoying true family love and warmth because I was stuck in selfishness and arrogance. Now I am learning to rebuild myself and to treat other people properly, as well as I would myself. I don't know what lies ahead, but as long as I live under the Lord's care, I know I will have a home and I will have love.

The author came from Beijing. She now studies computer in Michigan, U.S.A.